emotional regulation advice for teen w bipolar mom
tw mental illness
im 17f. and today was an actual mess. ppl say to not bottle ur emotions like i care but i actually shouldve because look where i am now.
my mother is mentally ill. like bipolar ocd npd bpd. she is also unmedicated and refuses to seek help and does not believe in therapy. and she didnt leave me with any mercy because im mentally ill. shes also very physically ill. eczema periodontitis fungus infections gut problems. having to grow up with her and her constant panic attacks and manic episodes and crisis situations and yelling and screaming and running away and constant complaints about her health despite not seeking proper help has made me an excellent therapist to the point i dont think i’d needto get a phd or whatever to be one. she successfully managed to make me independent when i was a kid, to the point where i now dont rely on her at all. i handle everything i possibly can myself, im taking on all my own finances, i have a job, im starting college, and im getting my license so i can get myself around and away from her. she would complain that i dont do anything, now she complains that i dont need her because im finally able to do my own laundry without her telling me to wait until her laundry day even though i have work the next day and i need to wash my clothes. or that she cant drive so she cant take me anywhere. or that i dont want her to comb my hair anymore because she drags the comb through my scalp and pulls off the five hairs i have on my head. she complains she has to do chores. i do said chores. she complains that she doesnt do choreS. this is an ongoing pattern for years. and she cannot realize she is the cause of her own distress.
today was my breaking point . i am so aware because of her of how fragile and vulnerable terrible mental health can make you. i have helped her as much as i could, to lift the burden off of her. she is older and is not accepting that she grows weaker. and she feels useless. i understand that. i am as patient as i can be. she yells at me and i stay silent but i literally cant anymore. i finished setting up my room because we moved in. she tells me to take my cds and gaming posters off the wall. okay wtv fine i do it. then she complains that i dont throw it away. then she complains about flowers my gf made me (she would be furious if she knew she was my gf cuz guess what! she is not accepting of it!) and tells me to throw them. i tell her ill throw anythjng else. she kicks me oit of my room and goes through all my stuff, makes a trash pile withoit telling me, and then complains again when i come in and say what r u doing i literlalt organized everything yesyersay. i have to beg her for 2 hours to please let me keep the flowers. i throw any other thing she wants me to. and she finally gives in and walks away. my siblings are out of state and im trapped in the house and she wants to give me trouble. she has ltkerallt ran from the house twice this week. i have to chase after her. she kicked me out the house for an hour and then calls me to say come have dinner. like what i dont want ur food. then she goes ahead and . guess what. COMPLAINS ABOUT COOKING. then complains about me eating. and complains about me not eating. what do u want from me. lkke please tell me. i try so hard to give her everything she wants but she misses the fact that im no longer her obedient pet child that i was when i was 9 years old. like no. sorry im trying to keep you alive and healthy and stress free but you are ruining it for yourself.
on top of that, my college classified me as nonresident and my tuition is insane. even though im a resident. and on top of that two classes arent part of my degree plan. even tho the advisor said it would be. okay yes its very late to register at this poijt but i was busy moving this whole summer and i had to get the meningitis vaccine which took me a whole month to find a clinic i’d get it for free because its 200 dollars i dont have. and my tuition is above what i get from fafsa, so???? obviously i need to fix that. i have to do all my stuff myself and my moms stuff and then deal with whatever stuff mt siblings need me to do. or deal with their complaints that they do so much and im too young and cant understand.
and i call my girlfriend and i literally have tk lkke. turn my camera off and mic off and tell her ill be back because i need a second. and i immediately just break down. i feel so bad because i want to talk to her but i literally have no energy in me and i love her so much but im literally dead. inside. and i cant even tell her all of this because i dont want her to worry. esp right now she has her own issues to deal with and she doesnt need my snobby snotty face in the camera.
this is the last day i can call her in a while. becuz on top of all this mess, my sister saw her and mines msgs becuz she went through my phone while i was sleeping. i had to convince her what she saw wasnt what she thought cuz shes also heavily against it. she made me go no contact with her but ive been secerely contacting her. but my sister comes back tomorrow which means i cant text or call my gf as often as i’d like. i try to text her whenever i can but its so hard sometimes cuz im busy dealing with all this family and my stuff or my sister is nearby or i just dont have the energy. i love her so much and i know she deserves so much better and i need to be better for her.
my life feels like a mess. but what if im just exaggerating and its not that serious. sorry im a mess i havent even said what im asking for.
what im asking for is. what should i do about my circumstances. how can i be a better girlfriend. how do i get out of this house as soon as i can. how can i manage my emotions better so i can function properly. i cant even afford a laptop for college right now and im trying to save up whatever i can because im gonna major in engineering and i need a laptop. since im even talking about that if anyone has cheap good laptop recs thatd be great. sorry rhis is random im kinda bawling mt eyes out.
tldr my life is a mess