Homelessness & poverty took away my chances of having friends, family and maybe a future
I'm not 100%. But I'm beginning to believe that I'm not ever going to have friends or family.
It's been difficult for me to articulate why as a kid I always hated that one television show Boy Meets World. But I have some words.
Because in Boy Meets World, the main character doesn't experience the kind of childhood trauma that I experienced.
He didn't have parents that went to prison before he started going to elementary school. He didn't become a ward of the state and placed into the foster care system. He didn't have to spend hours, days, being interviewed by strange adults who worked as social workers. He didn't cry wondering where his siblings were, where his parents were, where he was. He wasn't put into a foster family, with foster parents who abused him, psychologically tortured him. His parents weren't awarded custody of him again as a child only to completely annihilate any of his trust by abusing him once they had gained custody of him again. He didn't live in a part of town where police didn't arrive after a 911 call for a drive-by shooting. He didn't get raised by parents who would shout and hit him for petty things like not eating all of his food. He didn't get beat with a belt until he was crying for the rest of the night if he made bad grades or forgot to turn off the television before going to bed. He didn't have birthday parties get interrupted by a frequent borderline personality disorder episode of his mother's beating the shit out of him for asking why he didn't get the present he asked for instead of the hand me down from his older sister.
I know there was that one character who was his friend. That was supposed to be the "not everyone's life is perfect" stand-in PSA trope. Tit-for-tat though. That character had a lot of people protecting him, looking out for him. I didn't relate to him either.
Shows like that made me just have a hard time taking white people seriously. And by extension anyone that came from a functional family.
When I turned 18 I moved out. Unfortunately I didn't have the grades to move into college. But I had a friend who convinced their mom to let me live with them. Which worked out for awhile but eventually they kicked me out for smoking weed. Then I lived in my car.
I was homeless for what felt like forever. Cried a lot. Spent a lot of money on hotel rooms. I tried a few times to make a relationship with my parents on my terms but they were just too toxic. So I was alone.
Eventually I got in the rhythm of life but I always had to hide where I came from. What I came from. Fake it until you make it. And today I'm able to say I'm not homeless anymore. I haven't been for a few years now.
But I'm still poor. And being poor is very isolating.
I struggle to relate to people. I don't know if I ever will be able to relate to people. Because I have so much awareness that people only respect others who seemingly have money. When I was on the dating apps so many of the profiles I would come across would not even subtlety say things like, looking for a provider or man with a boat/house/car.
If that kid from Boy Meets World was not a fictional person, he'd be living his best life right now.
But me? I just don't think I'll ever know what living my best life will ever look like. Even if I was to finally have my fantasy come true and just find a bag of money abandoned in the woods somewhere. I don't think I'll ever be able to integrate into society because it's so painfully clear on the outside that who I am on the inside is not important to others. And I want to be loved. I'm capable of loving. But who could be capable of loving me with all that I've lived through?
And yet. I can't provide a damn thing for others. I buy used clothes from the flea. Shop at Aldi. Cook my own food. No greater education. No trade. Which I tried to get into. Community college and some trade stuff. But couldn't. So I'm just relying on these fucking restaurant jobs.
I come here to share my thoughts thinking someone else might relate. But I feel like no one does. I feel like Aladdin. Except there's never going to be a lamp, a genie, or a princess that loves me for me. I'm just going to be in that dilapidated room on the outskirts of town scratching and rummaging for scraps until I'm too old.