u/Total-Stand933

Ive been debating on whether I should make this post or not but time goes on and I haven’t told anyone i know about my pregnancy and not planning to. I have limited amount of time to have a legal abortion and I need advice. I feel like the most awful person in the world right now,but I never wanted a son and to be fair Im terrified to death at the thought of being a boy mom,everything about it scares me-the possibility of him becoming a misogynist,of him killing me,killing or raping someone else,Im scared to birth a future criminal a porn addict a violent man an abuser an angry alcoholic a drug addict I feel like I’m in a lot of danger and I can’t help myself Im terrified to death and ever since I found out it’s a boy Ive been bawling my eyes out and suffering from insomnia. This not my first pregnancy,at 14 years old I got pregnant from a rape and I miscarried,no one ever found out and I will never tell a soul it happened but even back then,i had paranoid thoughts about it being a boy that will grow up to be like his biological “father”. I don’t feel safe and I never did,i first started having these thoughts when I was 6 and my aunt was murdered by my cousin,apparently because she refused to keep giving him money he used to buy meth or so I was told I remember thinking “ I will only have daughters” not realizing the choice wouldn’t be up to me. But now I’m not sure if I should I have any kids at all,if I can’t imagine being a mother to a son because I know for a fact I’ll be terribly scared and won’t find it in me to love him-do I deserve to be a mother at all? Im 19 and I live alone in my own apartment,I make good money. I broke up with a guy Ive been dating for 2 years,we wanted to get married and start a family in our mid 20s but I never really liked him that much and was in because I desperately needed partnership,we broke up two days before I found out I was pregnant and I still haven’t contacted him.

Little over a year ago I was 16 dating a 27 year old man, it was extremely toxic,predatory and abusive. I usually cope with the consequences by not thinking about this experience at all even though he gave me awful anxiety and ruined my health. The other day I was talking to my best friend about one of the situations that happened to me during that time and she casually tossed in the word “kidnapping” and changed my view on experience but im still not sure what name to put on it. Help me figure it out. That day i was over at our friend’s place when I found the evidence of him continuing cheating on me with a girl I knew well,i told him I won’t stand it anymore and if he wants to keep lying to me about ending things with her I don’t want to deal with him any longer,i was stressed and frustrated,had no one closer than him at that time and let him “calm me” by taking the alcohol he gave me,it was very normal for our “relationship” i could never be sober around him,especially in bed and after arguing,he gave me alcohol because nothing else could make me heal better emotionally at that time. So he kept giving me beer after beer until I wasn’t really conscious,our friend wasnt at home that day so he locked the apartment and hid the keys from me,I begged him to take me back home for hours,at some point I started sobbing and asking him to just open to door because it was very late and I would get home myself just let me out. He finally agreed and told me he’ll drive me home,we got in the car and when we almost arrived he took the wrong turn and drove me to the woods at least a kilometre away from my home,it was around 11 pm. He locked the car and told me im not going home until I forgive him for cheating and promise I will stay,he turned on loud rap music and started singing along,whining,crying and ignored me when I asked him to turn it off because I was very drunk and had awful migraines. At some point he took my phone when I tried to send my location to my sister. I was sitting there feeling awful for hours ignoring him,but my bladder was full and I could use a bush,i was begging him to let me just get out and empty my bladder and when he finally allowed I walked a few meters away so he wouldn’t see me pee and sat down,he thought I was trying to escape so he chased me and caught me peeing. I guess he was embarrassed because he wouldn’t look in my eyes,gave me my phone back,stopped talking to me and drove me near my house and I just walked back home and went to bed like none of it happened. I didn’t talk about it to anyone for a year,and when I finally did and she called it kidnapping I started to think about it again and it fucks me up just thinking about this perspective. What the fuck was it

This is genuinely my last straw and at this point Im in tears as im writing. Im 17 and the responsibility of cooking for my younger siblings and mom when she’s working has fallen on me since our grandmother died. She often requests i make certain stuff,and has kinda set up rules for me to make certain dishes because I make some stuff better apparently,but,every god damn time I make ANYTHING she has to be negative in some type of way about it. It’s never good enough,I always have to fuck up at something. It’s “too sweet” “not sweet enough” “too salty” “did you add salt at all? So bland” “it’s undercooked” “you overcooked it” she has never tasted anything and said “it’s good” fucking never,and not because I genuinely just suck at cooking,I’ve got the meanest siblings in the universe and they devour and compliment my food all the fucking time,when I’m at my sisters place Im always the one responsible for cooking and she doesn’t order take outs because she wants me to make stuff even though it’s always more expensive than just ordering two meals. My ex boyfriend’s loved it. Shes literally,the only person I’ve ever cooked for that was so unhappy with my food. The best Ive ever got from her was “it’s normal”. Today she made me cry because of it for the first time,I made some tomato sauce for pizza, me and my brother liked it so much we decided I make another batch and he will boil pasta,just that to not overwhelm our dinner. It’s literally just tomatoes with herbs olive oil and garlic. What can go wrong? I offered her a plate because she just came from work and she wanted some. She got the first plate and I stood there waiting for her to try it but as soon as I gave her the plate she made a “huh” face and looked at me like I literally just shat on it. “What on earth did you put in there? Jesus,why does it smell like that, Whats in there?!?” She didn’t even taste it. I just finally broke down crying, yelled “why are you like that” and left. My 11 year old brother !! Came and asked her why does she act like that “she was happy to cook for you,exited,wanted you to like it so bad,why did you have to act like this?” And her response was “oh well.” It was the fucking herbs,she didn’t think Italian herbs go well with tomatoes and made it seem like I fed her puke. How come my brother who is still a baby has got more emotional intelligence and compassion than a middle aged woman who’s my mom. It upsets me so much I don’t want to enter the kitchen again and cooking is the thing I just enjoy the most. She always ruins everything I enjoy and wants to suck the life out of me it seems