Posted in a group and I can see the post is receiving comments but I can’t view them. Tried the app, the desktop mode, logging out and back in, changing servers, usernames, and devices. Any ideas?
Edit: Something is wrong and I can’t view the comments. I can see the first few words in my notifications, but the full comments will not load and I get a server error message. I hope it’s just temporary but please know I’m not ignoring anyone.
I’ll start by saying that my husband hasn’t officially been diagnosed as a PA, but I have strong suspicions and we’ve had talks about it that seem to point in this direction. I’m going to try to be brief - posted in another community about the details but it felt like this might be a more understanding place to get help.
Obviously I love him so much, so I’ll skip that part. We have a toddler. I found out my husband had been interacting with and paying cam girls for years, even before our relationship. He assured me that I’m what he wants, he promised he would quit, but it’s still been all on me to push for transparency, to get him to take down photos of girls from his office, to share his device passcodes, and I have caught him several more times commenting on girl’s pictures to get nudes or even searching for nsfw posts from people in our own city.
Let me be clear, I always ask him for his story first, I do my best to not react with anger or hurt but sometimes it can’t be helped. I want to help him, I want to make him feel like he can come to me with anything, but lying and hiding things is so awful to me that it almost eclipses the cheating. Today I saw that he had deleted his browser history which isn’t something you’d do unless you’re hiding something. I have zero talent for hiding my feelings, so when he comes home I will have to talk to him, but I honestly don’t know what to do or how to approach this. I keep thinking I‘ve shown him that he can come to me with anything and we can work it out together, but then things like this happen.
Can anyone help me figure out where to go from here?
Advice request: This is starting to look like addiction to me. Has anyone else dealt with this before? How can I walk the line between being supportive of him when things are tough and enforcing strict boundaries? Is there any way to keep an eye on his activity that I haven’t tried?
TW: p*Rn, addiction, mention of past ab*se, cheating
I’m going to try to keep this as brief as possible. After a long ab*sive relationship, I found the perfect person for me who is truly a cinnamon roll of a man. we’ve been together 7 years and married for two and a half, and we have a little boy. Best friends, always able to talk about everything without some childish fight. Several months back, I caught him paying a cam girl for a nude photo, and this was during a time when we were struggling financially and I was covering a lot of expenses. He said it was a one time thing and would never happen again, but he was lying - I later found out this had been going on for years, with one cam girl in particular but also many others, lots of payments for pictures, lots of items purchased from their wish lists, you get the idea. In my book, this is cheating. He would count it as cheating if it were me.
I won’t try to describe how betrayed I felt, I’m sure that’s obvious. I also have major body image issues - weight and scarring and age and trauma from my bad relationship - and seeing my husband contacting younger and prettier and thinner and physically perfect girls was shattering. To me, the lies are the worst part. I told him, if he had come to me to say he had slipped or he had trouble letting go of bad habits, we could talk about it, but he hid it, and that showed me he cared more about protecting his secret than protecting our relationship. As I told him, I don’t care about regular p*rn - but I have to draw the line at interacting with and paying another woman. To say nothing of what a horribly sexist act that is to begin with, controlling a woman with money, which is not who I thought I married.
He made all sorts of promises, seemed as devastated as I was, said he would be totally transparent, but even after that it has been one confrontation after another to get him to take down the cam girl pinup photos he’d put all over his home office, to prove to me he had deleted his OF account, to give up his device passwords so I can be sure he’s not playing me for a fool again. Weeks passed and I saw him looking at nude pictures and commenting on posts from nsfw Reddit accounts IN OUR ACTUAL CITY. Another confrontation, this one I got pissed. He had no good excuse.
Only a week later, I saw him looking up girls’ wishlists again, even if he wasn’t buying anything - he promised he was only looking out of morbid curiosity, more apologies, more promises. I’m being SO understanding, SO patient, checking in, trying to understand, but it always feels like he is just hiding more. He confessed that ”just p*rn” isn’t ever quite enough and he needs to get a level of intimacy that kinda goes beyond that, and I fully believe everyone should have an outlet that’s personal to them and their partner might not be a part of, but he HAS to leave other humans out of it. I’m not at all fond of AI either and he says he hates it too but I know he’s toyed with it.
Today I decided to look again at one of his devices and he had deleted his search history. No one would do that unless they had something to hide. I’m so exhausted and on the verge of taking our boy and leaving but I can’t tell if it’s an overreaction. He promised me transparency and it just keeps feeling like I’m the only one who cares about that. At the same time, he is my best friend, a great father, so loving and so good.
TL;DR: Perfect husband EXCEPT he has a long history of paying cam girls and despite promises, keeps hiding his online activity.