u/Tr1padvisor420

Me (23M) and my partner (23F) have been experiencing a major set back in our intimacy. Our rate of sex decreased dramatically with us moving in together, The gaps are larger, 2-3 sometimes even 4 weeks. And the first time we break the gap the sex is awkward and clunky, almost like it’s our first time together again. we end up having a do over the next night which is better, but then we start another 2-3 week dry spell again and repeat the process.

Throughout our 5 years together we’ve multiple times gone over our wants, our needs and our general expectations/goals with a long term physical relationship. The conversations have always felt like a slight dance though. Maybe I word things wrong or maybe it’s too sensitive to her, but I’m often avoiding the full statement “I’m not happy with how little we’re having sex”. I fear that I make her feel as though it’s an obligation she must forfill, which just pushes her away further. The catch 22 being that, with how long we’ve been together, and just like all things in a relationship, I feel it’s fair to say that we should be putting effort towards being physically there just as much as emotionally there.

I’m often on the receiving end of most the conversation. It usually revolves around her mental health and how her medications affect her libido. That has been a consistent through all previous conversations though. Lately it’s been a circle of many smaller issues, little spats or small zero sums are usually pointed out as things that are spacing us apart. Date night frequency, small gestures of love and affection, deeper emotional honesty are all brought up as things that might make her feel more attached. It’s often ignored that I feel like we simply let the intimacy slip away, and with that so did our emotional attachment. It seems much more complicated to her.

I’m now at a point where I don’t know how to push the conversation I feel needs to be had. We discuss our future often, do lunches and movies every weekend, had many hard conversations to mend loose ends from previous spats, spend silent time simply cuddling and decompressing together after work days… despite it being what she says she needs, the intimacy only seems to be slipping away more.

If I’m being fully honest I don’t know how to, as a man, tell the woman I’m with that her not having sex with me is leaving me feeling alone and separated. I don’t want to come off as gross, demanding, making sex seem like an expectation or a necessity. I still can’t help the feeling that it’s, at least for me, killing us though. In my mind, it’s starting to seem if we can’t acknowledge the actual lack of sex as the issue, it won’t ever be fixed.

TLDR; my sex life with my partner is now becoming awkward due to how infrequently we are having it. Despite addressing her concerns/ideas, this hasn’t changed. I’m not sure how to express to her that letting the intimacy slip away for so long is what I feel has created the separation and the emotional strain. I want to tell her that I think we need to make an effort to be more physical if we actually want to work on this, without making it sound like an ultimatum or have it come across gross.

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