u/TractorshireOfficial

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I must preface this with something which may or may not be controversial. I get crushes on people, I fantasise about romance and sex, I am still aroace. Yes, we exist.

I first began to wonder if I was on the asexual spectrum when I imagined the idea of myself actually having sex with some people who I had a crush on, and I had some sort of feeling of indifference/ambivalence (I'm kind of bad at describing this). At the time, I haven't heard of the label aegosexual, so I thought I was fraysexual and acespike at the time (oops).

Still, that was pretty easy to accept for me. I knew at the time that sex isn't the whole part of a relationship, and I would be able to experience everything else I dreamed of when I envisioned a relationship.

I still felt like those two labels didn't actually describe what I was going through that well, and I constantly had this feeling that I wasn't really asexual. When I learned about the label aegosexual, I was thrilled because it pretty much accurately described what was going through. I generally feel like there isn't enough awareness about this label and that more people should know about it.

The situation got far more complicated when I recently tried to envision a relationship with someone. At that moment, I realised that I should be comfortable with one, at least in theory. I would enjoy the exclusivity of being in a relationship with someone, as well as the close emotional connection that would come with being in one, but there is something I just can't grasp that makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable with that idea of being in one. I also can't really fathom the idea of someone being attracted to me romantically or reciprocating someone else's desires.

Being aegoaroace has to be one of the most awful feelings ever. From birth, you are preordained to look for that which you cannot actually achieve for the rest of your life. Even then, I'm always worried about people who would think my experience is not valid; that my experience is nothing more than a conscious decision. Would I consciously strive to be condemned to desperately chase after something which I cannot have?

Also you can AMA, I guess.