u/Traditional_Ebb_1349

Looking to make a move, I talked with my partner years ago about potentially needing to move because the market I am in is saturated. There are literally no jobs in my area that I am qualified for being AGACNP. I was previously working in rehab and enjoyed it but they replaced the medical group and brought in other providers for their facilities...I have been applying to anything I see that pops up, but the posts come down pretty quickly (I assume they are getting filled quick). I have worked in surgery and post-acute.

I dont have licensure in other states I have applied to Cali and TX, previously worked in TX as a travel nurse and enjoyed it. I What I am looking for:

-possible academic medical center

-hospitalist role, open to ICU but I have not worked in ICU solely, I co-managed patients in a closed ICU

-relocation bonus

-lower cost of living (homes around $500k)

-4 seasons

-maybe some kind of loan forgiveness opportunities

-bonus* activities in the area

I have previously lived in WA-loved all the outdoor activities, family friendly, but the city has changed since I lived there. Florida-way too hot/humid, contemplated moving back but my kids are refusing.

Maybe even a rec for a recruiter.

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticSpouses/s/WNh3vMhCoM

Safe to say I’m done with Facebook dating.

Since my prior post. He has resorted to texting, calling, messaging on Facebook dating, and then calling from other numbers when I blocked the prior contact methods. All of this after a few calls and 1 meet up/date.

I clearly know how to pick em. I’ve decided I’ll stick with the cats.

Idk if all of these are red flags but they seem like then to me

Went on a date recently with a guy from an app

1. Looked pretty different than app pictures, like the app pics were 10-15 years old, weighed much more than the pics
2. Sent me a pic of his pay stub idk if this was like to attract me to his “income” or what. Felt weird. He said it was to prove he had a job after I told him a story about getting catfished by a guy who lied about the job he had.
3. Likes to chat on the phone, I don’t. But seems to “worry” if I don’t respond timely. Yet if his children are around he doesn’t respond at all
4. Children are with their mom mostly, visit randomly
5. Tried to pressure me into eating more after I repeatedly said I wasn’t hungry. I don’t eat large meals, I eat a normal portion/serving size, less than most traditional restaurants bring to the table.
6. Told him about a crisis today and he was dismissive “you have to laugh”. I really don’t, it’s literally completely disrupting my life and my kids. So not funny.
7. Made comments during dinner about wanting to go on vacation together
8. Just moved to the area doesn’t have a car and was in corporate housing, is getting a rental, and renting a car. Seems weird to be grown and not at minimum own a car.
9. Then made comments about his rental being like a short term in case things in his life change. Almost like he was hinting at moving into my house eventually. Idk maybe I’m reaching.
10. Just ghosted when we were supposed to meet up the first time because kids randomly came into town. Then almost played it off later when I said I wasn’t interested in meeting up several hours past the original time and made it like my fault. I told him I wasn’t upset and didn’t need an explanation but that I made other plans when he went radio silent. Also seemed weird that he went radio silent when his kids were around but expects me to be communicative when mine are around.

After reading what I’ve typed I realize the fact that these are red flags for me are enough to just be done and move on. I don’t think I’m reaching by thinking the above are red flags.

Literally dumbfounded at this point. I have no clue what he’s done or said. And while lot of me cares, most is whatever.

I have already been very low to no contact with my mom because I think she’s a narcissist as well. She’s also the lesser of evils when it comes to my parents. I know to only expect that she wants a relationship with me if/when it benefits her. She has no problem hurting me or my kids so I prefer to keep her away. I have been paying her cell phone bill the last 10months because she needed a new phone and didn’t have the money to buy 1 outright. Her then boyfriend also didn’t want to add her to his cell phone plan. She never paid the bill or device charge. I just paid it and said nothing to avoid conflict. We also didn’t speak.

My ex has since been impersonating myself and mom to get access to my Verizon account so he can move lines off my account. I had previously released his line to him and canceled his other line.

Today she told me she needed her line released. Ok that’s fine. She’s an account manager and doesn’t need my permission. I commented that she was fine to move it and I had just been paying the bill. Something was said between her and my ex, not sure what. Because now she is not communicating with me. Which is fine. But it does feel unfair.

I have spent the entire day stressed between my ex getting into my accounts despite me changing passwords to my financial and email accounts. He just won’t stop. I have blocked him in my cell again. All of this happened after he tried to corner me and my kids into family pictures at my child’s graduation today. 2 of my kids refuse to have anything to do with him and the 3rd does seem to want his attention but doesn’t understand the situation. I try to be supportive to her. The 2 older kids refer to his bounce houses (side business) as his real kids because he takes better care of plastic than he ever did them.

All this an he’s texting me “I’m trying to have a good coparenting relationship with you”. Umm committing fraud and impersonating me isn’t good coparenting but he’s framing me as unhinged. Idk Verizon told me to get the police involved. My oldest told me to get another restraining order.

I feel like this is going to sound really bad. Haven’t broached with my therapist yet, but will.

My narc would let me punish him for bad behavior. Like yelling at the kids, making a mess, being hateful. I would assign him pushups to work off his negative energy. He would rarely do them. He also let me whip him with a belt once. It was weird. He had hit one of the kids with a belt and when I found out I whipped him with the belt.

My son (17) is convinced he had some punishment kink. His words and so flipping weird he even knows that stuff exists. Idk my son has pointed out things that I hadn’t even realized or thought of.

Reading another post talking about Narc Men being stuck at 12y/o and needing to repeat the relationship with their mother made me question some things.

Divorced over a year, separated 2 years. I have been nice and left my Ex on my plan because he gets a discount and it makes his bill 1/2 the cost vs if he had his own plan. I did it to try to be nice and help him because he can't sort out paying his bills. About 2 weeks ago I got a $300 charge on my cell phone bill because he was going to upgrade his line, but ended up canceling it. He took forever to return the phone. I told him he needed to call and have the bill corrected. I spent about 30 min dealing with it before telling him he made the mess and he needed to be responsible for fixing it.

VZW told me I was not going to be charged and they were sorting it out. Well he never called to follow up, and today I got charged over $600. I pay for phones for myself, 3 kids, my mother, and his 2 phone lines (personal and business). He also has the highest package because he "needs it" for work. I texted him this morning telling him to sort it out and to get his phone numbers off my plan.

At this point I am well past my patience and I am done "giving grace". So I am on the phone with VZW sorting my bill out, getting a $300 credit applied and canceling his phone lines. If he wants to keep pissing me off I am going to take him off my car insurance next (saves us both about $300 each).

NEx picked up my youngest for visitation for the first time today. My other 2 are not on speaking terms with NEx.

NEx was really unwilling to give a time just said it’d be after work. He did text updates of what was going on in his day. Not that I cared or want to know. I just want a time, but he can’t commit to that. I tried to be flexible because I was home and we didn’t have anything going on. He hasn’t seen my daughter in months.

First text, 230pm: meeting at 4 then dropping trailer off and picking up youngest child. Taking her to dinner, park, shopping.
510pm: leaving to drop off trailer then pick up youngest child
535pm: be there in 7 min
6pm: texted asking to buy the kids an Xbox

I really think he only asked about buying the Xbox to force the other 2 to talk to him, or buy their forgiveness. I told him sure if there’s no strings attached.

Dropped youngest child back off at 8. So he had her like 2 hours give or take. She got back so late she didn’t have enough time to finish her dinner, shower, feed her cat, and everything else she needed to do to get ready for school in the morning. She goes to bed at 9.

He says he is unavailable on the weekends and is unwilling to change that. I told him the weekday visits if they happen can’t be as late as they are which would leave him with a 1 hour visit if he can’t pick up until 6, because she needs 2 hours to get ready for bed and get all her stuff done.

Not really sure where to proceed. I think it’s unreasonable he can’t make time on the weekend when youngest child can be up later and doesn’t have school or leave work earlier during the week. He also works remotely so he’s just sitting in his hotel.

Am I being unreasonable in trying to find a better time that doesn’t interfere with my child’s bedtime routine?

He asked about taking my youngest child with him to work on the weekends. He has a second job that does not bring in any money and he was actually taking money from me to prop up his business. Previously when my kids went with him while he was working he would refuse to feed them, would get himself food and drinks, and would keep them out all day in the heat demanding help from them. I told him he absolutely was not going to be taking my child with him to work because of the past.

I have sole custody, he has 0 parenting time, the kids have discretion for any visitation. So I will not impede if they want to see him, but also I don’t want their routine suffering because he can’t be inconvenienced. And keeping them out so late on a school night isn’t reasonable.

Also the Xbox order was canceled-youngest child told me, NEx hasn’t mentioned it was canceled. It’s ok because I have money set aside towards getting one.

NEx picked up my youngest for visitation for the first time today. If you’re familiar with my posts my other 2 kids (scapegoat and ignored child) are not in speaking terms with NEx.

NEx was really unwilling to give a time just said it’d be after work. He did text updates of what was going on in his day. Not that I cared or want to know. I just want a time, but he can’t commit to that. I tried to be flexible because I was home and we didn’t have anything going on.

First text, 230pm: meeting at 4 then dropping trailer off and picking up golden child. Taking her to dinner, park, shopping.
510pm: leaving to drop off trailer then pick up golden child
535pm: be there in 7 min
6pm: texted asking to buy the kids an Xbox

I really think he only asked about buying the Xbox to force the other 2 to talk to him, or buy their forgiveness. I told him sure if there’s no strings attached.

Dropped golden child back off at 8. So he had her like 2 hours give or take. She got back so late she didn’t have enough time to finish her dinner, shower, feed her cat, and everything else she needed to do to get ready for school in the morning.

He says he is unavailable in the weekends and is unwilling to change that. I told him the weekday visits if they happen can’t be as late as they are which would leave him with a 1 hour visit if he can’t pick up until 6, because she needs 2 hours to get ready for bed and get all her stuff done.

Not really sure where to proceed. I think it’s unreasonable he can’t make time in the weekend when she can be up later and doesn’t have school or leave work earlier during the week. He also works remotely so he’s just sitting in his hotel.

Am I being unreasonable in trying to find a better time that doesn’t interfere with my child’s bedtime routine?

Also the Xbox order was canceled-golden child told me while I was typing this. It’s ok because I have money set aside towards getting one.

Youngest child told NEx that I was thinking of taking the kids on holiday to the beach. According to him I hate driving and don’t drive.

After much careful consideration, my kids and I will be apparating since I don’t drive. And the beach is 7 hours. All of this despite the fact that I have taken the kids on multiple holidays by myself where I have driven.

Also according to NEx I hate dogs (I didn’t know this about myself) and I don’t cook. So we are currently surviving on air.

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

My youngest child is setup with parental controls. She has friends with unknown numbers texting her and she can't read the message unless I approve it. When she clicks "Ask to approve" it is set to send to my email. I have tried everything to change it.

When it goes to my email its just a ".txt" file so I can't do anything with it.

I have made sure our phones have different names, made sure system is updated, signed in and out of apple id. Has family sharing turned on. I made sure my phone is in the apple id but her phone defaults to send the request to my email, and there isn't a way to modify this. When she clicks "Ask to approve" its sends a text message to my email.

Just left the gluten free bakery I go to. I tried to buy some gluten free dairy free carrot cake…it doesn’t exist.

Back during Easter I asked my NEx to drop some treats off that were GF/DF for me and my daughter. We both have milk allergies. He assured me the carrot cake was DF which I was so excited about. I haven’t had carrot cake in years. I had a bite of the cake that my daughter was eating and even argued with him about it being no DF because it tasted like cows milk. He swore up and down it was in fact DF. I spent the rest of the day vomiting, in severe pain, felt like I had the flu or been hit by a car I was in so much pain. The puking just wouldn’t stop. It lasted for about 2 days. Felt like the worst hangover I have ever had in my life. It was horrible. My daughter was extremely ill also. She ate more than I did. Thought maybe we had some virus or food poisoning.

Today I tried to get the cake and the owner was like “that’s not dairy free, it’s cream cheese”. I told her I had it before. She said it’s never been dairy free.

The amount of times I had “food poisoning” or got sick from my exes cooking made it to where I would only eat pre-made food if he had cooked it like chicken nuggets, microwave rice, Kevin’s meals. Basically the stuff he couldn’t mess up.

My mom used to say she was convinced he was poisoning me because I would get sick from almost everything he touched. He would always try to get me to eat milk products like goats milk or unpasteurized milk convinced he could cure my cows milk allergy. My daughter also can’t have milk or lactose and couldn’t even be breastfed because of the lactose in my breast milk so I’m pretty sure he wasn’t going to cure shit with his unpasteurized milk.

Woke up this morning to an email from NEx where he is trying to get a company to send him equipment financed in my name for like $17k dollars. Working with the companies and state AG to ensure it’s canceled. They have been charging my bank for business equipment. Several months ago he convinced me to use my credit to buy equipment for his business. He had seemed like he was doing well. So tried to be supportive, I know that was stupid. Realized after that everything was a lie. I contacted the company and was able to get them to agree in writing to cancel the loan and sale of the equipment. This has been ongoing for a while and because it’s commercial equipment and a lease they lease is waiting for the company with the equipment to refund the money. NEx emailed today trying to get them to move forward and just send the equipment to him. Absolutely not. I contacted them immediately.

Found out a few weeks ago he had used my credit card to pay for his therapy. He has my credit card number somehow so that meant contacting the merchant, they didn’t fix it, disputing the charge, and now I am waiting for the new card to set everything back up on autopay. Thankfully I have multiple cards to use. But it meant not be able to use my main account for several days.

This is after having to reset my Amazon account which logged me out of my smart home requiring me to spend 3 days get my house back online. All because he decided he was going to login to my Amazon account and do a little shopping on me. Shame on me for not changing passwords and not realizing he had gotten my password from the original change post divorce.

I’m so disgusted. I literally support my kids myself, he’s behind on child support <shocker>. Yet he still tries to steal from me which is basically stealing from his kids since I’m the one taking care of and financially supporting them.

The entire conversation has been about him, his side business, what he ate, how he’s sad, how he misses “his” pets (they aren’t his), and his weird pet name he has for my daughter that she doesn’t like.

My daughter is over here laughing at bits and pieces of the conversation because she knows how self involved he is. I jokingly told my 10y/o “tell your dad you’re proud of him” because it’s what he longs to hear. She did, that triggered an onslaught of text going on about how great he is and what an amazing entrepreneur he is.

What 10y/o wants to hear about how many customers you had? None. She wants to talk about her cat, and her book challenge at school, and how she went shopping today for some Sanrio stuff.

Did your Narc ever tell you about his family, like his real family you know-parents, siblings. Because you and his kids weren’t his family. Idk what actually you were but you weren’t his real family.

For my entire marriage my NEx never had me tagged on Facebook as family. He has his parents, his siblings, aunts, even cousins. Had pics of his dogs he had when he was in his early 20s. Not his kids or (ex)wife. Just seemed odd. Always referred to his family as his parents and siblings. Me and the kids were always a separate group.

Oh and anytime I’d bring up a failing in his parenting I’d get told “I’m still coping with being a parent”. He used that line for 8 years. We had 3 kids. What are you coping with?

It’s just weird things that pop up that have me going wtf every now and again and how much I just normalized.

Divorced 2 years. Try to coparent amicably with the NEx, doesn’t always go well. We’re currently in family therapy (to help the kids). He’s never not going to be in my life because of the kids. I’m aware, so trying to make the best and do better than my parents did.

Decided to look into the dating world. Idk if it’s me just being so jaded with red flags but it’s like there’s nothing I am looking for. Even the slightest thing triggers a red flag 🚩. Had someone try to take our few messages offline and to cell phone/texting. Nope-stopped talking to that one. Idk if it’s fear that I’m going to walk right into another black hole of narcissism or what. Maybe I’m just not ready. Maybe I never will be.