u/Trarly

The AuDHD hyperfixation hit me hard lol ugh

The first look is… hopefully self-explanatory, when it comes to the theme

The second look was inspired by “Moonlight Magic” by Ashnikko

Products used for the first look:
- Glisten Cosmetics Spectra Pencil - Red
- Urban Decay eyeliner - Sabbath
- Glisten Cosmetics Spectra Lash - Candy Floss, Orange Red, and Sky Blue
- Terra Moons eyeshadow - Haze of Saturn
- MBA Cosmetics Mini Glowlighter Palette
- Matte navy blue eyeshadow from Shroud Cosmetics that I can’t find the name of?
- Essence Lash Princess Sculpted Volume Mascara

Products used for the second look:
- MBA Cosmetics Mini Glowlighter Palette
- Terra Moons eyeshadow - Dione
- Matte navy blue eyeshadow from Shroud Cosmetics that I can’t find the name of?
- Urban Decay eyeliner - Sabbath
- Glisten Cosmetics Spectra Pencil - Red
- Glisten Cosmetics Spectra Lash - Candy Floss and Orange Red
- Kaleidos Cloud Lab Lip Clay - Mercury Wave and Pink Himalayan, mixed together, on both my lips and cheeks

Products used:
- Glisten Cosmetics Spectra Pencil - Red
- Urban Decay eyeliner - Sabbath
- Glisten Cosmetics Spectra Lash - Candy Floss, Orange Red, and Sky Blue
- Terra Moons eyeshadow - Haze of Saturn
- MBA Cosmetics Mini Glowlighter Palette
- Matte navy blue eyeshadow from Shroud Cosmetics that I can’t find the name of?
- Essence Lash Princess Sculpted Volume Mascara

I’m really frustrated and discouraged. I should probably just focus on my “genderqueer” and “genderfluid-ish” labels when describing my gender to people, but it’s so hard to find community where I actually see photos of people regularly getting “genderfucky” or whatever in the ways that I do. Like I never see other transmasc nonbinary people tweezing their eyebrows thinner (like I did recently), for instance, even in places like r/FTMfemininity (also am I too old to be there?? 😭). My face is already pretty masculine naturally, so I felt like I needed to feminize it somewhat to balance it out to be more androgynous, if that makes sense?

I don’t need people to look exactly like me, but I rarely see myself mirrored in anyone else. I feel really fucking alone. The transmasc community seems bigger than the genderqueer and genderfluid communities, so I used to feel like I had higher chances of finding friends I relate to in that way. Technically, since I’ve been on T for a total of 3.5 months (although I stopped after that point), and I’m pursuing top surgery, the “transmasc” label fits me, because I’m transitioning in a more masculine direction than what I was assigned at birth. It’s like a direction thing and not an end point of Manly Man, which most people don’t seem to understand when I describe myself as “transmasc.” They end up being surprised by how feminine I am, and I hate that. I end up feeling “not transmasc enough” or “not trans enough” in general

I’m so sick of everything. Where are all of the 30+, multiply-disabled, anti-capitalist, genderqueer people who have fun/colorful makeup as a special interest?? I hate feeling this fucking “niche” 😣

EDIT:
Thank you for all of the kind responses! Anyone here who wants to can follow me on IG @trarlyy. It’s a private account, but hopefully I’ll know it’s you? I’m not totally sure how to go about this tbh, I’m too autistic for this shit lol but I want more of a sense of community, if possible!

Products used:
- Kaleidos Tone Activator Eye Primer
- Shroud Cosmetics Peaches & Dreams Palette (discontinued/out of business)
- Terra Moons eyeshadow - Darkside
- Urban Decay eyeliner - Sabbath
- Essence Lash Princess Sculpted Volume Mascara
- Kaleidos Cloud Lab Lip Clay - Mercury Wave (as a makeshift “cream blush”)
- MBA Cosmetics Mini Glowlighter Palette
- SushyGlow Cosmetics Bloody Lip Tint and Stain - Sparkly Void
- Glisten Cosmetics Chroma Gloss - Aurora

(First 2 photos are post-tweezing, last photo is pre-tweezing)

I went on T for 3.5 months total, and I still need top surgery. But I still want to read as ethereal and “pretty,” but in an androgynous/“genderfucky” way. And I don’t want to give up fun makeup! I’m not necessarily opposed to a bit of a “cunty” vibe, but my voice is somewhat deep-ish/androgynous since stopping T, so idk how to feel about that. I want my “genderfuckery” to still feel at least a little bit cohesive? Like maybe almost kinda Him (from The Powerpuff Girls)-adjacent? Maybe mixed with a stoner dude? But not quite? idk

I would have bleached my eyebrows, if it weren’t so high-maintenance, and if I didn’t seem to need a little bit more contrast in my appearance. And I’m not sure that shaving off my eyebrows completely is right for me either? idk tbh

My goal when tweezing my eyebrows was kinda trying to see if I could find a vibe that’s maybe somewhere between Chester Bennington and Bayonetta, but fat? (Because I am fat?) But I have no clue what I’m doing. Like I don’t know if that’s a good vibe or not? I feel so stupid and “cringey” all the time, and I feel guilty/ashamed for feeling that way. I feel too old to feel that way. I’m turning 32 in July 😣

Any suggestions for what might look good, if this isn’t working for me?

Keep in mind that I’m very poor (on SSI, SSDI, and Section 8), and I’m too disabled to work, due to undiagnosed physical disabilities/chronic pain (probably some form of hypermobility, POTS, and MCAS), diagnosed Level 2/MSN AuDHD, (C)PTSD, and various other mental illnesses

I’m also bi/sapphic and polyam, if that info helps when it comes to the genders I’m trying to attract. I can’t decide if I am willing to date cis men anymore. I’ve had bad experiences with some trans men as well, but not nearly to the same degree as with cis men. (I swear I’m not trying to do the whole “Trans men are the exception to men being shitty” thing. I know that all men can benefit from patriarchy in some ways, even while being oppressed by it in other ways. And trans men are men, obviously!)

Figuring out what works for me is an ongoing process 🤷🏻