r/NonBinaryOver30

I want to die. I'm so tired of being this undefinable type of queer and forcing myself to be a cis mother who's in a crumbling marriage. I feel so fucking alone. I've always overlooked my own queerness because I never wanted it to define me or dictate my life, and now that I feel like i'm closer to understanding myself, there's all this arbitrary shit in the way and I don't want to inconvenience my queer friends who are going through their own shit.

Quick background:

Hello, I’m a 40 year old nonbinary trans-masculine human. When it comes to my family of origin, I am the 5th child of 8 children. We grew up Mormon living in conservative Utah.

As I have matured as a person, I have become very sex positive, insomuch that I engage in peer-to-peer education groups. I am very knowledgeable of sexual activities, even the very rare. My personal advocacy goals are to help consenting adults do what they want safely and with intention. I’m very much about a “harm reduction” approach to adult fun activities.

Back to my family, over the years, everyone in my family has left the Mormon church, but they have not all left conservative ideas behind. I have become estranged from every single person in my family of origin. I have either no contact or low contact with my family of origin.

Last July (July 2025), my brother-in-law passed away, and I decided to attend the funeral. While there I somewhat reconnected with a few siblings. During my time with my family there were many conversations, and some of the conversations included me giving sexual health advice and sharing a few interesting facts about sexual health.

End of background.

——

Fast forward to today, my youngest sibling, “Jennifer” called me randomly. The number was not recognized on my phone, so I almost didn’t answer. Jennifer got a new phone and phone number so she was letting me the update.

Then we got to chatting, and she told me that she got a UTI which she didn’t seek treatment right away and it ended up becoming a kidney infection. The UTI was because of the kind of sex she had.

I talked to her about best practices to prevent that (specifically not going from back to front if you know what I mean).

Later we were talking about Jennifer going to the gynecologist and how she was treated. She lives in small town in Utah, and she felt very judged by her gynecologist. She made a statement about women navigating the healthcare system and how gynecologists should do better because they only treat women.

Then I said, “that’s not true. I’m a guy and I see the gynecologist.”

Then Jennifer just laughed and laughed like I had said the funniest thing in the world. She seriously laughed for what felt like a minute.

I was frustrated, but knowing my family, I knew I would be wasting my energy if I tried to reason/educate Jennifer.

I just get so frustrated, I already rarely talk to my family, and part of this is because they think all they have to do is call me by my new name. There is more to being trans than just a name change. Me saying that I’m a dude who goes to the gynecologist should not be humorous.

I just needed to vent.

Thanks for reading if you read this far.

Anyone else get many comments from their hetero/cisgender friends about how this isn’t your month? I am not talking mean or hateful ones. I am talking people that usually are supportive. But some reason this month I get a lot of comments/questions like “but your straight” or “are you worried gay people will get mad”. Particularly from friends that are straight women.
To fill out the picture I (40s) am born with innie genitalia and married a (40s) man born with outie genitalia. I feel non binary best describes me but I do enjoy some more feminine things including glitter and fake lashes sometimes. Before I heard the term nonbinary I used the labels that go along with being a woman. But I also have always done my own thing with gender from a very young age. I also wonder how many of them have their mind wander to “what defines a woman or man” like mine does all the time.

Anyone else get this and/or feel so invalidated this month by people that are usually safe.

Edit: To clarify I live in a small rural town. There aren’t any Pride events here or even a large LGBTQ+ community. I do have friends/groups in the LGBTQ+ community (some locally but most further away) but it’s just not an option to only do that. The questions tend to come this month if I wear my rainbow gear that I wear year round or when the community is around and includes me. One particularly painful time would be when some of my cishet friends went to a drag show with myself and my friend that’s gay in a larger city during pride. The person who was seating us made a comment including me in the community. One of my friends immediately corrected them with “But (my name) is straight.” It was just so unnecessary and felt like they were pulling me from spaces I actually feel very seen/safe in. But usually it’s just around dinner tables that comments are made. I just curious if any one else sees those increase in June. Logically, it just seems backwards to me.

My spouse died earlier this year. I’m neither a widower nor a widow, so does anyone know what term is accurate/common? Thx

It's been starting to go for a few years now, but seems to have really picked up pace recently and it's honestly stressing me out. I didn't anticipate feeling such dysphoria over my hair, but here we are. I wasn't taught how to care for my hair, so I didn't know how to nurture or appreciate its natural texture for a long time. It was only within the past few years that I started learning and seeing what a difference the right products/avoiding certain things could make. I fell in love with my hair, and now, as soon as I do, it's leaving me.

Topical Minoxidil isn't a good option, as I have 2 cats who will find a way to get in/on everything. I've heard you can use it with cats if you're very careful, but I know I'd have constant anxiety about making a mistake. Oral Minoxidil doesn't seem to be helping much (or maybe it is and I'd be totally bald by now if not for that, who knows?) and oral Finasteride comes with systemic side effects I'm not keen on risking and also isn't covered by my insurance. Topical Finasteride isn't available to me. So all that is to say, the medication routes usually suggested either aren't doable or aren't doing enough.

So what's left? I know the answer everyone jumps to is "shave it", but the thought of doing so makes me genuinely upset. I imagine how I'd look without it, or with only very short hair, and feel disgusted. It's just not me. I already struggle with how masc my overall presentation is due to available/affordable clothing options and living in a conservative area. Keeping my hair long and wearing the occasional colorful shirt or small necklace is about as far as I've been able to push it as someone who works a customer service job and is read as a man in daily life.

I guess what I'm asking for is advice on coping with this (or at least commiseration) from anyone who's gone through it. Any androgynous hairstyles that can work with a receding hairline before my hair finally bites the big one would also be appreciated; Google searching has been no help in that department.

For context im 30amab. I would consider myself nonbinary or agender at this time. Ive been Questioning for the past 5 or 6 years. When i was younger i would tell my friends im more girl than guy alot but didn't fully understand or think of transness at the time. Ive tried hrt on and off but usually stop due to not wanting to have to defend myself or explain myself (which i know i dont have to) to my work or family.

Im currently about to pick up a prescription for micro dosing estrogen today. And waiting for planned parenthood to get back to me with a special therapist.

So like, I dont wear fem clothes because im self conscious about how my body looks, im heavier, facial hair, balding.... I typically just feel like myself and dont act feminine which also makes me question myself.

Ive tried asking a cis friend on some girly things to do but didn't really get a response.

What are some things I can try out? What are red flags that I shouldn't be trying hrt?

When i take hrt, I feel calmer, happier, I love my skin changes so much, i feel like i actually have sometbing to look forward too.

Then I think of breast growth and how once that happens I cant hide it, i think of dressing fem (honestly like if I was to just dress fem like I am now) and how I would like like a guy pretending to be a girl and how people would be uncomfortable around me. I think of my changes while at work and eith my family and I get panicked and sad and stop.

Then my body starts growing hair again, my balding gets worse, I begin to just hate my reflection and get miserable and dull and just start eating a bunch of crab food and not taking care of self.

I dont actually try to do anything I think would justify my gender its mostly caught up in how I see myself in the mirror I guess....idk I started rambling....part of me feels like im just an imposter and saying all this makes me a total POS and I wanna go and hide from everyone but...i also want to have valid and honest feed back so im gonna post this and go hide now....