u/TriangularPizzaShape

I've been reading this subreddit for a long time, but I haven't found a story that feels quite like mine. I'm hoping someone recognizes parts of it or has insight into how you heal from whatever it is I'm carrying.

For context, my mother's childhood was profoundly traumatic. During her formative years, she and her mother were largely isolated on a farm caring for my grandfather as he slowly died from dementia over more than six years. Much of the family left, leaving the two of them to shoulder it alone.

My brother is four years older than me. His biological father left the country when he found out my mom was pregnant. Two years later, my mom married my father, a man who had been adopted and experienced significant abuse growing up. He adopted my brother and, from what I understand, repeated many of the same abusive patterns—mostly screaming, intimidation, threats, with some physical abuse mixed in.

When I came along, I was "Daddy's little princess." I had the biggest bedroom, endless toys, and remember flashes of feeling adored. Then, around age six, something shifted.

The message changed from, "I'm going to give you the world," to, "You always ask for the world."

The family narrative became that I was an angry, manipulative, attention-seeking child. My mom says I would get hurt or do something wrong and blame her or my brother, especially my brother.

My mom has told me that she couldn't handle my big emotions, so when I was upset I would go to my dad for comfort. According to her, I became a child who lied about my mom or brother to get them into trouble because it got me more attention from my dad. I don't remember those events, but I do remember learning to lie to protect myself from my father's rage.

The incidents where I got my brother into trouble would have ended when my parents divorced and my dad left when I was 13. But the damage didn't end there.

After the divorce, I was often cruel to my mother and brother. By then I had been physically assaulted by my father and repeatedly told by both of my parents and my brother that I was a liar. Everyone felt unsafe to me. Everyone felt like a potential threat. That doesn't excuse how I treated them but I think it explains the emotional state I was living in.

I don't see myself as an innocent bystander, but I also don't think a young child can fully understand the role they're being placed into. I was manipulated into becoming part of a family dynamic that benefited the person with the most power.

My brother survived by emotionally checking out. Looking back, he fits what people often call the "lost child." We've never been close. We were constantly pitted against each other, and now we're essentially strangers.

I've been estranged from my father for 17 years.

My relationship with my mom has never been close either. One of the hardest parts is that she says she doesn't remember anything that reflects badly on her. She'll tell me she doesn't remember, then argue with my version of events anyway. It makes my childhood feel impossible to understand because the person I'm trying to talk to can't—or won't—help me make sense of it.

What hurts most now is realizing my brother is probably the only other person who truly witnessed what happened. I wish I could ask him what he remembers. But from his perspective—and from my mom's—I was part of the problem. I don't know whether he sees me as another victim of the system or simply as someone who hurt him.

Today I'm in my 30s. I live alone with my two cats. I work in mental health and addictions. I spend my free time gardening and sorting old coins. I don't have much family in my life anymore, and I don't have a large social circle.

Sometimes I think of myself as a sad hermit who is just trying to survive. I struggle to imagine maintaining a secure romantic relationship, let alone raising children while building a career. I've seen so much chaos that all I want now is a gentle life and steady growth.

Has anyone else grown up being used as the child who was manipulated into turning against other family members? Or felt like you occupied more than one family role at different times? If so, how did you untangle the guilt, the shame, and the question of who you really are underneath the role you were forced to play?