half of my family seems to hold so much resentment for who i was as a child/young adult, and i cant remember it that way
every time i try to tell my mom i had a hard time during my childhood, and that it felt like everyone was always mad at me, she tells me it was because of my behavior. my parents were always mad at me for forgetting to do chores and for "not contributing to the family" and yelled a lot. my mom says the reason we didnt have a chore list as kids was because I refused to do anything to help, not my sister. she says i ignored them no matter how much they explained it to me, and would only do it if they screamed. i'm in my mid 20s now and i dont act like that at all. i just moved back home after five years and i help out all of the time without being asked. i dont know how to explain to them that this wasn't intentionally manipulative on my part, i was just really lazy and overhwhedlmed as a kid and didn't want to do anything. i wasnt trying to cause them so much trouble, and i only now understand how much work it is to be a parent and how much i should have been helping. i wish this clicked earlier and im so sad for causing them so much grief, but even i dont fully understand why it wasnt clicking for me. she also tells me that i screamed at her every day picking me up from elementary school. i dont remember this at all, and i do feel really bad about it. i just cant think it was for no reason, i was around two significant suicides when i was young and had really mean friends who were exclusive, and i think that is probably what was causing me to be so upset all of the time. i feel horrible for taking this out on my mom and i dont know if its fair to have grace for myself and how much.
i was diagnosed with adhd at 10. when i went to college, i started having panic attacks and was diagnosed with anxiety/OCD, which had definitely been present my whole childhood. i would make myself throw up from stress over the childohod years. i remember having intense compulsions and scary intrusive thoughts at 14/15 that i didnt understand. after moving out, i was a mess for about five years, trying to mask everything with weed. my mom says i was the "worst" i have been during those years. she says every time i needed something i demanded it then and there. again, this is so far from my experience. i was so wrapped up in my own world and trying to get out of survival mode. i was physically sick from my anxiety a lot in college and everything felt super overwhelming. i've just always felt like my mom's greatest enemy and i dont know how to get them to understand i didnt mean to be so diffucult and demanding, and i dont even know if that is fair to ask of them. im so confused and part of me is tired of feeling so guilty when i was unaware and struggling but i dont want to be easy on myself if that isnt fair. sorry this is jumbled, could someone please help explain.
edit - i think part of the issue now is that I’m upset about how I was treated as a kid and how it’s given me some real self worth issues and trust issues I’m carrying into other relationships. they leave me alone about all of this until I bring up my side, the screaming and yelling at panic attacks when I couldn’t control them, saying my compulsions were weird etc. that’s when they remind me how I acted pushed them to that because I was so defiant and angry. is this something I shouldn’t be doing? I want to talk it out so badly and feel like they get it but I’m not sure if I should be
tdlr: half of my family seems to hold so much resentment for who i was as a child/young adult, and i cant remember it that way