u/TumbleweedSavings375

F18. So, I would say my position is pretty specific. I’m a Canadian transracial adoptee. For those who don’t know what that means it means the race of the adoptive parents are different from the child. I was raised by white parents in a small, predominantly white area. I’ve only really felt attracted to white people (And before you jump down my throat, no I don’t have hatred for non-white people just lack of attraction. My nervous system definitely prefers familiarity over novelty in all realms, like food and travel too). I’ve never had significant trouble fitting in with those around me aside from romance. Obviously, being outside the physical norm in my area, there weren't a ton of guys my age who wanted to date me and the few that did weren't my type. I was used a lot for fetishistic reasons throughout high school which sucked because I didn’t even notice it at the time but finally when I was 16 I thought I had found my guy (spoiler: he definitely wasn’t). We were both attracted to each other and he didn’t fetishize me but I definitely fell outside his main desire category. He appeared to have an obsession with East Asian girls and primarily dated white girls. He was also morally weak. He hung around racists and homophobes despite having friends and family who that kind of hate would hurt. He had a lot of substance and mental health problems too, so that relationship fell apart pretty quick. 

It was sad to say the least. I’d finally found someone who ticked all of my attraction boxes and was neurodivergent like me. Despite not being one of the overtly gross white guys he was certainly a product of his environment. It’s frustrating being able to connect to white people without any cultural barriers but still being “other” to them because of how I look. 

So, if there are any Black women who are in healthy long term relationships with white men who didn't treat them like second best, or fetishize them, please share your story with me. It would mean a lot. 

Specific Questions: 

1. At what stage in life did you find your guy? How did you know he wasn’t like the ones who fetishized or compared you to whiter women? What did it feel like? 
2. How did you cope with extended periods of loneliness when you hadn’t met him yet? 
3. Do you have any suggestions for me, a younger woman who doesn’t know subtle red flags to look out for when dating?

 

F18. 🇨🇦.
I was adopted by white Canadian parents as a baby from Africa and I grew up in a predominantly white area. I’ve never felt like I didn’t belong at home nor did I feel some sort of unspoken connection to other Black people. I never felt “deprived” of Blackness. My parents had books, I got my hair done, and we went to a family camp with other children of African heritage, so I did see other black people.

For some POC racial community is important, however I am not one of them.

Ever since I was little I knew who I was attracted to and who made me happiest, and those were almost exclusively white people. (Where I grew up was 70-80% White, and only 1.2% Black).

I feel okay in myself and what I want but the anxiety of pressure from other people is depressing me. I get harassed by white and black men, but I’ve only been assaulted by a black man.

Also the “Black people should date other Black people” discourse is suffocating.

I hate being reduced to a symbol instead of a human woman with my own experiences and preferences.

It’s like me being black makes other black people feel entitled to my body and energy even though they’re strangers.

Trying to feel less monitored and watched. If you’ve experienced something similar please don’t hesitate to reach out 🫩.

*Details: I have ADHD and GAD* 

F18. I’m trying to complete my courses so I can graduate high school which is a struggle on its own due to lack of interest in the material (disinterest has become frustrated rage for the past month or so). My mom had been pressuring me to find a job for months before they all got taken for the summer. This gave me even more anxiety but I tried to ignore it as best I could. I eventually got a job about a month ago and ever since then it’s painful to try and get school work done. Sometimes the shifts are inconvenient, but most of the time even when I have time I could be using to get work done I try and I can’t. My head hurts, I feel sleepy even when I sleep fine and stay hydrated and fueled up, the content makes me want to rip my hair out, I just want to live my life. When I’m happy and fulfilled like when I’m making money things like school work become painful. Before that, I did school but not because I enjoyed it but because it was a distraction from having nothing going on. Now that that’s not the same I can’t. It’s a chore just to open and start a doc. I want to cry. My ADHD and anxiety are both medicated but it makes no difference when life is good.

Even when I can’t make myself do school work without emotional pain, when I don’t do it my anxiety heightens because I know it’s still there.

I don't know what to do. Has anyone else gone through this?