u/TypeEffective980

I've always been a little... odd.

I've always been good at school without trying too hard, and always alone. As long as I can remember I've never had a friend to hangout with.

Some of it was, I thought, because my family was poor. But looking back, you don't really only need money to hangout with people. I could have easily told people I'm broke and given ideas to hangout.

But I also went to private school on a scholarship, and all the kids were pretty well off.

But I don't know why. Since childhood, it's like, when I looked back, I was living as if I were my own PR team instead of a person. I still live that way.

And so I've ended up completely alone.

I never want to admit any shortcomings, so that people respect me. And I never want to be vulnerable with anyone. This is also due to my parents being very strict and critical, but I'm an adult now and can't blame them forever.

Idk. I just am thinking now that I've got a job and am socialising with more people, and as they tell me about their lives, im just thinking "what exactly did I do with mine?".

Why wasn't I more selfish? Why, when the people who wanted to hangout with me in high school called me, I'd always say no. Instead of just asking my parents for money. Why didn't I rebel against my parents. Why did I always think of them beforehand. And I would probably make the same choices again, because I love them. But I wonder where did I go wrong growing up.

Why do i think I'm smarter than the people around me, why am i so scared of sounding stupid. So what if i am stupid? I see lots of "stupid" people everyday and they live pretty happy lives.

Idk.

I just finished some jobs and feel aimless. So I'm just re-thinking everything now.

I got my first job ever this summer. And it's so fun? I feel like I was born for climbing the corporate ladder. I just get the game in such a level. (Or so i like to think)

My boss also complimented me a ton. The good kind, not the kind of compliments they say just to get u to do more work.

Like, I just get it.

Anyone else?

I'm doing my first internship ever this summer.

I am very confident in my actual work skills, but social dynamics are different. I've been a little scared by people who keep talking about office dynamics. Because I thought I'd just do my job and communicate/have fun with people, but seems like reality is a bit more complicated.

I'm there for only 3 months, yet I'd like to have made some sort of good relations by the end of that time, as in, professionally wise.

I also have developed this sort of fear of being overworked because society views people who are overworked as "it's because they're dumb" and I have internalized that unwillingly a little. Because I would have originally worked like a dog, but then I realized my pay isn't gonna be all that and the hours are too long(full time).

I'll be working smth similar to HR, and I hear places like that are a nightmare? (To me at least it sounds like that because people say there is not an actual lot of work but you're expected to stay there all day and just... stay there. Possibly with people who gossip)

I know that I can manage well, but I still want some advice on what to do and how to behave during this time. And I thought fellow (especially women) entjs might be able to help.

I think you're not an ethically and morally pleasing human. But I still like you. I like how well you hide your true intentions and I like how political you are in your approach to people.

But when you smile and talk, I can tell it's genuine.

Your eyes are very beautiful and it's the first time I've seen such light gray colored eyes. Even your glasses can't hide the light in them when you're sparked by curiosity.

I love how animated you are and i really love the happy curious you.

And the you that makes assumptions out loud without knowing how intimidating you are. And the way you have an ability to scare me when you get all serious, I like that too.

i was in this CTF and it ended and i wanted to look at the challenges again and to solve them but i forgot my password and it's not letting me look at the challenges.
It says to contact admins in order to reset password but man i really don't want to.

ps im like, a baby in cybersecurity :< I just started liking the field

Kam nje laptop t vjeter qe nuk punon, deshta me pyt a muj me shit diku per pjese. Ose me ndrru per pjese.

I go to the lectures, because they're obligatory and part of the exam. I listen to some profs, some are decent and to some I just spend the class wondering how the fu** they ever got this position.
And everytime I study all the material on my own, I see more and more flaws on the way it's explained.
I see all the fixes that should be made to the material for other students to learn it better.
But I just fix it for myself, since going against the professors will get me "expelled".
[yes i thought of fixing everything and puting it in a drive or the local photocopy for the next students, but it's too much unecessary work for me]

Loja osht e thjeshte, ti aplikon 100 vene edhe nuk pranohesh.
Skom t'njofshem n'kete drejtim.

Doesn't happen often, but when I'm put on the spot and don't know what to do and everyone's looking at me, I blush so hard I turn red.

Doesn't happen often but it did happen today.

This cameraman who was filming my class stopped at me(didn't do this with anyone else) and I was in a very giddy/laughy mood all day. And then I was trying my best not to laugh and to be serious hoping he'd just move on, but nope. He had other plans. And my brain had other plans. I short circuited and started emoting on the camera. First I did a hello 👋. Then giggling. Then a peace sign. Then more giggles. Then looking away from the camera. Then more giggles😃. And idk when he even left. I was so fucking red. As the people were getting out of class(bcz it was the end) my prof came to me and patted me and I was like what why he here, and my friend told me I'm not even pink, I'm red.

Anyways I just wanted to share this moment and see if you guys have similar stories.(im 19)

E kam lexuar Kadarene per vite. Ne fillim me pelqente shume, por me kohe fillova te ndiej nje lloj distance ndaj vepres se tij dhe me ne fund e kuptova pse.

Kam pershtypjen qe grate ne veprat e tij rralle trajtohen si personazhe te plota. Shpesh jane te trishta, te kufizuara ne rol, pa zhvillim te dukshem te brendshem. Nderkohe, personazhet meshkuj kane kompleksitet, dilema morale, reflektim intelektual.

Grate, ne shume raste, ekzistojne me teper si funksion narrativ: per te vuajtur, per te simbolizuar dicka me te madhe (shpesh Shqiperine vete), apo per te shtyre perpara historine e dikujt tjeter.

Ajo qe me bie me shume ne sy eshte mungesa e nje zeri te drejtperdrejte femeror si protagoniste. P.sh. tek Vajza ne mergim, Linda eshte ne qender, por historia e saj tregohet nga nje burre qe as nuk e ka njohur. Tek Kukulla, figura e nenes mbetet e larget, pothuajse e paidentifikueshme si individ. Tek Aksidenti, Rovena ekziston kryesisht permes perspektives se Besfortit.

Ne keto raste, grate nuk jane subjekte qe rrefejne veten, por objekte te rrefimit te dikujt tjeter.

Provojeni vete, pa kerkuar ne internet, pergjigjuni ketyre pyetjeve:

- Emertoni nje personazh femer te Kadaresë qe ka nje qellim te sajin.

- Emertoni nje personazh femer qe merr nje vendim bazuar ne deshirat e veta (jo ne pikellim, detyre apo fat).

- Emertoni nje personazh femer qe flet per me shume se nje faqe per ate qe mendon, jo vetem per ate qe ndjen.

Nderkohe, gjej shume lehte personazhe meshkuj qe i plotesojne te gjitha keto pyetje. Kjo nuk eshte rastesi.

Dhe mos me thoni se "grate ne Shqiperine komuniste vuajten dhe Kadare thjesht po e pasqyron realitetin". Pikerisht sepse ato vuajten dhe ishin inteligjente, pikerisht sepse mbijetuan ne kushte te tmerrshme, ato meritojne te kene ze. Vuajtja nuk i merr mendjen askujt. Perkundrazi shpesh i mprehë. Kadare mund te shkruante nje grua te zgjuar. Thjesht nuk e beri.

Kjo nuk eshte nje kritike ndaj "epokes". Eshte nje kritike ndaj zgjedhjeve te tij artistike.

Nese nuk mund te emroni asnje grua te tille, dhe une nuk munda, atehere nuk jam duke e ekzagjeruar.

A e ka vene re edhe dikush tjeter kete?