u/Undertheradar9898

Hi, I have a question but im genuinely just intrigued at the males POV for this.

We were a group of 5 that used to work together but even outside of work we became very very close. You know them people you meet later in life that become so important. Eventually, we left the place one by one but we all stayed close.

One of the guys slowly stopped talking to us one by one apart from me. It’s now been 5 years that we still talk here and there.

Around 3 years ago, I had a really bad experience with someone, I went quiet and kind off shut out the world to work on myself and heal. One night he randomly texted me to ask how am I and if I needed anything, I simply said I was ok and thank you for checking on me. He replied with that he knew I wasn’t ok and to let it out so I can feel better, maybe because I needed to let it out I did, I told him how I felt etc. This guy was always known as the least emotional intelligent, least caring and the absolute worst person to go to for any advice as he was always seen as the unserious ragebaiter. However, that night it was the absolute opposite, the way he comforted me, the way he listened really blew me away and honestly I’m grateful because idk if I’d still be here.

Fast forward to now, i genuinely can’t remember how it happened but we always have this inside joke where we call each other ‘fatty’ on the days we don’t go to the gym to force ourselves to go (he’s a bodybuilder), the conversation started with going to the gym and ended in let’s be fwb but we ruled out no feelings.

My question is, surely he didn’t wait 5 years to be fwb? Could it be cmore but he can’t get himself to say it? I’m just confused

I’m looking for some honest advice and perspective, especially from people who have been through arranged marriage conversations.

My parents introduced me to someone around 6 months ago. Before I explain, I want to make it clear that I’m genuinely not trying to sound arrogant or big-headed, so please read this with good intentions.

Alhamdulillah, I’ve built a good life for myself. I have a career I’m proud of, I’m financially independent, and if I ended up alone, I honestly think I’d still be okay. Of course I’d like marriage, companionship and a family, but I don’t feel like I need someone to survive.

Growing up, I always thought that if a woman is capable of providing for herself and managing her own life, then the man she marries should ideally be someone she can look up to in some way. Not necessarily richer or more successful, but someone who adds to her life and pushes her forward rather than holding her back. Maybe that’s wrong, which is partly why I’m asking.

The person my parents introduced me to is about 1.5 years younger than me. He’s currently doing his master’s, lives around 3 hours away, doesn’t own a home yet, and is still figuring out the next stage of his life.

In our very first conversation, I explained that relocating far away would be difficult for me because my mum is unwell. As the eldest daughter, I’ve helped care for her for as long as I can remember. I said I’d ideally like to remain within driving distance of my family.

Over time, that conversation somehow shifted from being understood to becoming an expectation that I would move to his area because he doesn’t want to move. I eventually suggested that our families discuss it because I felt it was becoming a bigger issue than either of us could solve alone.

Then other things started becoming issues too.
My job requires occasional out-of-hours work and there are busy periods where everyone is expected to step up. Apparently the way I work and live is too “open” for him. The frustrating part is that I was upfront about all of this from the beginning.

I kept asking why these concerns weren’t raised at the start. Why wait until feelings had developed?
The longer we talked, the more it felt like aspects of my personality, lifestyle and career were becoming problems that needed fixing.

We’ve had conversations where he’s said things like:
Don’t compare me to how your dad treats you.
I can’t promise I won’t hurt you, I can only try my best.

Various concerns about my work and lifestyle.
To be fair to him, he is genuinely a kind person. I don’t think he’s a bad man at all. That’s what makes this difficult.

But I’ve become very 50/50.

Part of me thinks he’s a good person with good intentions.

The other part of me feels like if I marry him, I’ll spend the rest of my life compromising pieces of myself to fit what he wants. It feels less like we’re building a life together and more like I’m expected to adapt into someone else.

I know marriage requires compromise. I’m not expecting perfection and I’m definitely not perfect myself. I’m also not the best Muslim in the world, but I try every day to be better, and I view that journey as something deeply personal between me and Allah.

What I can’t shake is this feeling that if I say yes, I’ll eventually feel trapped.

So I guess my questions are:
Am I being unrealistic in thinking a husband should bring more to the table than I already provide for myself?

Is this normal compromise in marriage, or are these compatibility issues?

Has anyone ignored this kind of gut feeling and regretted it?

How do you tell the difference between healthy adjustment and losing yourself?

I’d genuinely appreciate honest opinions, even if you disagree with me.