u/Unlucky-Pin-5691

My husband and I were together for 9 years and married for 7. We are currently separated, and over the past few months the relationship has become emotionally exhausting and very inconsistent.

There were periods where reconciliation was discussed or implied, followed by periods where he made it clear there was no future for us. Communication became very up and down — blocking/unblocking, emotional conversations, hostile exchanges, silence, then contact again.

More recently things escalated further, including arguments about the house, pets, and the future in general. At this point I’ve realised I can’t keep trying to make sense of the constant shifts anymore.

The hardest part is that I still love him deeply despite everything that has happened. I think part of me kept holding onto hope because of the mixed signals and because I genuinely believed this was the person I would spend my life with.

But I also know now that I cannot keep emotionally living inside this cycle waiting for clarity that may never come.

I’m trying to focus on practical things:

- securing my own housing (hard with a debt management plan in place)

- rebuilding stability

- accepting that I cannot control his behaviour or decisions

But emotionally I feel stuck between grief, confusion, love, anger, and exhaustion.

For people who went through the end of a long marriage or relationship:

How did you actually start moving forward emotionally?

At what point did it stop consuming your thoughts every day?

How do you let go of hope when part of you still loves the person?

How do you rebuild your identity and future after years of planning life around someone else?

Would reconciliation ever be possible after this sort of thing?

Will giving more space and time help the situation?

I still love him more than anything and would do anything to make it work and right for us but I know its not something I can just do on my own which is why I am moving forward the best I can for myself.

I know healing takes time, but right now everything feels very heavy and overwhelming, and I’d really appreciate hearing from people who made it through this stage.

My husband and I were together for 9 years and married for 7. We are currently separated, and over the past few months the relationship has become emotionally exhausting and very inconsistent.

There were periods where reconciliation was discussed or implied, followed by periods where he made it clear there was no future for us. Communication became very up and down — blocking/unblocking, emotional conversations, hostile exchanges, silence, then contact again.

More recently things escalated further, including arguments about the house, pets, and the future in general. At this point I’ve realised I can’t keep trying to make sense of the constant shifts anymore.

The hardest part is that I still love him deeply despite everything that has happened. I think part of me kept holding onto hope because of the mixed signals and because I genuinely believed this was the person I would spend my life with.

But I also know now that I cannot keep emotionally living inside this cycle waiting for clarity that may never come.

I’m trying to focus on practical things:

-securing my own housing (hard with a debt management plan in place)

-rebuilding stability

-accepting that I cannot control his behaviour or decisions

But emotionally I feel stuck between grief, confusion, love, anger, and exhaustion.

For people who went through the end of a long marriage or relationship:

How did you actually start moving forward emotionally?

At what point did it stop consuming your thoughts every day?

How do you let go of hope when part of you still loves the person?

How do you rebuild your identity and future after years of planning life around someone else?

Did reconciliation ever happen?

Will giving him a lot of space in no contact help?

I would absolutely love for us to come back together at some stage but I know right now it isnt the time and it won't be for a long while.

I know healing takes time, but right now everything feels very heavy and overwhelming, and I’d really appreciate hearing from people who made it through this stage.

Hello,

I am a little bit stressed and worried currently. I recently found a lump on my right breast near my armpit, there is a slight pain when I touch the area but nothing unless it is touched.

My auntie passed away 2 years ago from multiple different cancers and breast was part of this.

I'm currently in the middle of a messy seperation leading to a divorce and don't need more things adding to this but I'm worried but never really been informed on what to do about it😞

My husband and I have been separated for a few months after 7 years together and the last couple of days have honestly changed something in me emotionally.

Throughout the separation there were a lot of mixed messages. At times he told me he loved me, missed me and gave me hope. Other times he told me there was no future for us, that the love was gone and that things were permanent. I kept holding onto the hopeful moments and trying to fight for the marriage.

Recently things escalated badly emotionally between us. I kept trying to understand if there was any possibility of rebuilding in the future and he became increasingly overwhelmed and angry with me. There was also a serious mental health crisis involved recently which affected both of us deeply and added even more emotional intensity to everything (he tried to end his life by overdosing a couple days ago).

Last night we had a long conversation where I suggested multiple ways we could try to repair things — marriage counselling, rebuilding slowly, structured separation, compromises etc. He basically told me none of it was good enough and that everything was always on my terms. We ended up arguing more and he told me I had pushed him too far and that “it’s going to get nasty now.”

Then suddenly the conversation shifted into practical things. He told me he wants out completely and wants me to move back into the house to take care of it, the animals and his mum, who I was very close to during our marriage and who isn’t well. He also told the housemate the same thing, so it wasn’t just said privately to me in anger.

As strange as this sounds, after months of panic, chasing answers and trying to fix everything, I woke up today feeling lighter. Still heartbroken, but clearer. For the first time I think I genuinely accepted that I cannot carry a marriage alone and I cannot help someone who does not want help from me specifically.

I still love him deeply, but I’ve reached the point where I know I need to stop trying to save the relationship on my own and start focusing on rebuilding my own life and stability instead.

Has anyone else experienced that weird mix of grief and relief once acceptance finally starts setting in during separation?

Part of me does still hope one day it'll be different however I feel like he is definitely struggling a lot and needs serious help that I cannot help with or provide.

So we had been no contact for just over a week and I couldn't deal with it.

I've now just messaged him and instantly regretted it, I know he won't reply which makes it hurt even more.

Why did I did I do this?😭

So our anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks and I don't know how I'm going to be able to deal with it. I have already informed work that that day is going to be difficult for me as they are aware of the situation.

I just don't know how to feel or what to think towards it. Do I acknowledge it with him even though we are seperated? Do I wait to see if he acknowledges it? Do I leave it completely?

What has everyone else done to get through the anniversary dates/days?

So this is all hitting me way too much. I've burst into tears at work. I think its finally hit me that he isn't coming back and that I ruined everything. If you want context please check my previous posts here.

I think its all finally dawning on me that this is all very real and my body, heart and mind don't know how to process it all? We hit the 1 week official no contact last night/early morning, and I now can't stop crying. Working nights is bad enough 7pm to 7am but now it just feels impossible.

I don't know how to get through this pain

Me again.

I'm really not doing okay, its been 3 months seperated and I still can't stop crying.

I have other questions.

In a message I sent to him before we went no contact I said if he regrets ending us will he reach out to me, and he said he won't. I asked him to as my last request from him but he again said no because he doesn't want to be selfish.

Will he really not reach out again if he does regret it or miss me? Do I delete all our memories like he has effectively deleted me from his life? Do I push forward but still hold a small amount of hope just incase?

My husband and I have been separated for 3 months and we’ve now been no contact for a week. I feel completely confused by his words and behaviour throughout all of this, and I’m trying to understand whether this sounds like someone emotionally shutting down or if I’m just reading too much into things.

During the separation he’s said some really hurtful things, and a lot of what he says feels contradictory.

At different times he has said:

- this hurts him and he’s not okay

- his feelings “don’t matter” and he’s trying to think logically

- he’ll always love me

- he doesn’t love me anymore and “the love is gone”

- there could maybe be reconciliation in the future

- there is absolutely no future for us

He’s also said he doesn’t think he’ll regret this decision or feel like he made a mistake, which is something I really struggle to understand considering he also admits this is hurting him deeply.

What makes it harder is just after the separation he told me he had “checked out ages ago,” but during that same period he was still sleeping with me, being affectionate, cuddling me, kissing me, making plans with me, and telling me he loved me. So I struggle to understand how someone can be emotionally checked out while still actively participating in the relationship that way.

Even now, when reconciliation gets mentioned, his responses tend to focus on trust. He says things like:

- “How can I trust that after how things have been previously?”

- “It’s hard for me to trust things will be different.”

But if I respond with “you don’t know unless you try,” he shuts the conversation down again because he didn't want to talk about our relationship anymore.

He tried to end his life a couple weeks ago because everything was getting too much for him, I rang him because I was worried and we both agreed it didn't need to come to this and that things could have been so different but then he would change instantly again via messages. He's expressed he can't do basic human decency so can't speak politely or in a way that won't hurt me at the moment so he doesn't want to talk.

I messed up here and still kept pushing for us to make things work any way I could but he then said more horrible things. We haven't spoken about our marriage or anything in person. I haven't seen him or our animals in the 3 months now.

He then tells me he just wants to be friends now.

He asked me if I would be able to get past it if he moved on, I said I don't know because he has been my person for 9 years, and I asked him the same thing and he replied with "Yeah I can. Possibly"

Another thing that confuses me is he’s said he won’t file for divorce even if he moves on someday because he’s “never getting married again.”

I genuinely can’t tell whether he’s suppressing his emotions and trying to force himself to detach and push me away or whether this is someone who truly no longer wants the marriage but still has emotional attachment and unresolved feelings. Has anyone experienced something similar from a spouse during separation?

I think one of the hardest things after a separation is being fully honest with yourself about the hurt you caused too.

My husband and I have been together for 9 years and married for 7 of them.

Losing someone important has forced me to really reflect on the kind of partner I was, and honestly, there are a lot of things I regret. This isn’t me looking for sympathy or trying to blame myself for everything that happened. I know relationships are complicated. But I do need to take accountability for my part in it.

I can now clearly see that I was often defensive, emotionally reactive, rude, hostile, and difficult during conflict. I hurt someone who genuinely loved me, supported me, believed in me, and wanted a future with me. Instead of appreciating that properly, I often took it for granted.

I didn’t take important things seriously enough either. Work, consistency, responsibility, building a future together. I had chances, support, encouragement, and still wasted opportunities and created extra stress for the person beside me.

Even in everyday life, I know I fell short. I was lazy around the house at times, inconsistent with responsibilities, and didn’t contribute to creating the stable home environment we both deserved.

I also handled relationships with the people important to my partner badly sometimes. Looking back, I can see how insecurity, jealousy, and negativity affected my behaviour more than I realised at the time.

One of the biggest things I regret is breaking trust. Instead of communicating honestly when things were hard, I looked elsewhere for comfort and lied about things that damaged the relationship deeply. No explanation changes the fact that my choices hurt someone who didn’t deserve it.

There were also times conflict between us became toxic and physical, which should never happen in a relationship. I take accountability for my part in that too. Problems should have been handled through communication, not chaos.

I also know grief and loss affected me deeply, especially surrounding our baby, but instead of dealing with that pain in healthy ways, I became avoidant, emotionally immature, selfish, and disconnected. I focused too much on my own pain and not enough on how my actions were affecting someone else.

This level of self-reflection has been painful, but necessary.

I can’t change what I did, but I can be honest about it and work on becoming better from it. I’m trying to take real steps now — therapy, emotional regulation, improving my finances, learning healthier communication, and trying to understand the patterns that led me here in the first place.

The part I’m struggling with now is the confusion around the breakup itself.

For around 3 months there were very mixed messages. There were still moments of hope and things that made me genuinely believe reconciliation was possible.

He now says he doesn’t love me anymore, sees the relationship as a failure, and says there is no future for us. He said he checked out ages ago but was still intimate with me, telling me he loved me and was making future plans with me. I fully understand that my actions caused a huge amount of damage and I know accountability doesn’t guarantee reconciliation. I think I’m just struggling to process how things changed so drastically.

He asked for space and I couldn’t give it to him, and I think I pushed him away to the point he no longer wants anything to do with me as he said I am making him extremely uncomfortable.

It has now been no contact for a week.

Part of me still hopes there could be another chance one day, but I also know hope means nothing without real change and respect for boundaries.

Has anyone experienced something similar where there were mixed signals for months and then complete emotional shutdown? Is reconciliation ever realistically possible after this kind of situation, or is this usually the point where you have to accept it’s truly over and let go? Have I fully ruined everything? Will he reach out after some space like he wanted?

Also, I just want to add that this is only my side and my accountability for what happened between us. I’m not going to speak about his part in things because that’s not my place. Right now I’m focused on taking accountability for my role in our downfall and trying to become a healthier person moving forward.

I am hurting a lot more at the moment as our 7th anniversary is on the 31st of May and we were supposed to have been going to Spain to celebrate😞

I think my marriage is really over and I don’t know how to accept it.

My husband and I were together for 9 years and married for 7. We were each other’s first serious relationship, got matching tattoos, travelled together every year to the same place after our honeymoon, planned a family, and built our entire adult lives together.

The relationship became very unhealthy over the last year. There was emotional volatility and physical violence on both sides during arguments, including during a pregnancy loss period, and I fully acknowledge I also reacted badly and crossed lines myself. Since the separation, things have spiralled further emotionally between us.

We’ve been separated physically for around 3 months now. During that time he gave me a lot of mixed messages — things like:

- “I’ll always love you”

- “Maybe one day”

- “I don’t know what the future holds”

- saying he still wanted me in his life

But recently he’s become much firmer and has said:

- there is no future for us

- he wants distance

- he only wants practical/friendly communication

- he feels overwhelmed by me contacting him emotionally

I’ve struggled badly with letting go and have repeatedly reached out trying to explain myself, reassure him, or hold onto hope. Tonight he finally snapped and said he felt harassed and mentioned police involvement if I continued contacting him emotionally. That completely broke me and scared me.

We also had 3 dogs together who were basically our little family, and even things like that are making this harder to process because every part of my life feels tied to him and the future we thought we were building.

I’m trying to finally step back now and respect the boundary fully, but I feel devastated. I genuinely believed this person was my forever and I don’t know how to process losing:

- my best friend

- my marriage

- my future plans

- and the person I thought I’d grow old with

I think part of me is still holding onto hope that he’ll regret it or come back one day, even though logically I know I need to stop focusing on that and start rebuilding my own life.

I guess I’m asking:

- how do you actually accept that a long marriage is over?

- how do you stop reaching for someone who was your emotional home for nearly a decade?

- and how do you cope with the fear that you’ve permanently destroyed the relationship beyond repair?

Please be honest but kind. I know I’ve made mistakes and I’m trying to take accountability and change.