u/Various_Tangerine937

*sorry this is so long but I need help

I have never dated or had sex with a guy before and have recently started online dating. I was completely fine with being a virgin forever and even did research to give my life to Christ to be a nun and fully commit to make use of my time. Genuinely. I go through phases where my virginity means everything to me and I want it right and I want it to mean something and I want it to just consume me with the will to live but also I spend phases of not caring. Everyone has sex. Sex is everywhere and in everything and if everyone is doing it why can’t I?

I was 16/17 and it was the summer going into my senior year and I was at a friend’s house with 2 boys. One of the guys was really into my friend and it was common knowledge so they did there thing and me and the other guy were just the two friends who tagged along existing with our best friends who can’t admit they like each other yet act like boyfriend and girlfriend. I was the friend no one could go out with unless I was present because that’s how trustworthy I am so if I had the opportunity to leave I would’ve but the boy unfortunately was my ride home because we were…neighbors. The whole night I thought maybe this could be my chance, I wasn’t going to have sex with his best friend but if he had kissed me I wouldn’t have stopped him. Tension were good between us, we could joke around with each other but he was on and off again with another girl from our school but she was in a relationship at the time so his focus was elsewhere and I wanted some attention. Anyways back to the post. We’re all fairly tall individuals so our legs kind of crossed on the couch and at some point a foot twitched on my leg violently and I flipped the blanket off and the kid next to me who was into my friend had just came from a handjob. Right in the middle of the movie with all of us present no shame. I felt so violated feeling the vibration in his body and stupidly enough I had taken a snapchat video with flash on maybe 20 minutes prior and I didn’t even catch in the video till later that his pants were already off and her hand was already in his boxers fully visible. I felt so naive and dumb and disgusting and for so long I thought I wanted sex and there I was getting a free show and I was terrified and wanted to cry. We lived on the opposite side of town and I made him take me home and I walked out without him and as i’m waiting for the car to unlock he brings my best friend out and she gets in the car with us to take me home and she left with both boys. We didn’t talk for days and I kept asking her if she was okay because I know she had sex and I know she wasn’t into him but she also liked the attention and it was a very weird time for me emotionally and the way I viewed sex was just disgusting to me after the fact.

I am no saint though. I have masturbated for a long time to relieve myself so I don’t go all crazy whenever I go out but the second I get an opportunity to even be close to a guy to count his eyelashes i’m freaking out again. My body locks up, my eyes cross and I feel dizzy, my ears are burning, and I go fully mute. I have been sexually assaulted in the past numerous times by several people and I was all different ages (4-10) so it was all formative years of my life. At the time it was a lot of confusion and questioning and anger and I didn’t think it affected me because my sex drive is astronomical even now and I don’t think about it much. I’ve tried to get out of watching porn because it’s just bad for you but also i’m not watching ever for the people. I love the concept of being so vulnerable you’re just full of extraordinary pleasure. I don’t know what category it is but it’s just the passion, soft, romantic core videos I enjoy not that it matters lol bad is bad I know.

Sex is a big emotional connection for me. I only want it with someone I deeply care about. Someone who makes me feel wanted and safe and judge free. Now that i’m online dating it’s hard for me. I want to please these men to keep a connection but I know deep down I don’t want to have sex with them. I’m torn between waiting for my husband because I know if i’m picky he’ll eventually get to me or do I settle because it’s been my entire life of battling these desires and temptations. When I am asked if I am saving myself for marriage by anyone online and in real life, I can’t even answer because I don’t know. Did I save myself for the sake of my faith? Did I save myself because the opportunity wasn’t given to me? Was I just insecure and in my head? There is one guy i’ve sent nudes to and i’ve prayed a lot about that because 1) i’m surprisingly not ashamed 2) have raging anxiety about slipping up and away from God 3) also think I need to go through this sinful crisis to feel immense pain and come back from it making my faith stronger.

Like genuinely I am a mess and I feel lonely, but I feel content but i’m also longing for a life I thought id have and haven’t even scratched the surface of and I feel like my clock is ticking.

The guy that got my photos is the one i’m really interested in but he’s not taking initiative only when it comes to sex because he keeps asking when it’ll happen and I overly egg him on so he sees i’m not serious because I forcibly make the flirting terrible or I fully avoid the question and change the conversation and then he gets dry and comes back again with this overly great emotional chemistry and i’m in a cycle because when the flow is good it’s really good and heartfelt. He’s 31 so he’s 6 years older than me and that doesn’t bother me but I just don’t feel secure in this and my sex drive is cracking to break free and just give in and it’s making me even more anxious! I almost cried and had a panic attack at work today because I just couldn’t stop staring at my phone wondering if it would be a text about sex or an actual conversation.

I know I have mommy AND daddy issues but i’ve really tried to keep them separate out of this new chapter in my life and i’m currently no contact with either of them so I have been trying to navigate this all by myself. Please help me and be a big sister for two seconds I need the girlhood safety.

I am 24 years old and have never had a boyfriend or had sex/participated in hook up culture. I have recently decided to online date to get myself out there since I am shy and for the last 2 weeks i’ve had this overly consuming crippling anxiety and battle with my faith and I need help. I have recently started online dating and have matched with several different men who only want one thing and that is sex. Out of the several I have talked to only 3 have stayed in my rotation and 2 of them even got my personal phone number whereas the last one has my instagram to see my traveling photos. I have an “idea” of what I would like my relationship to look like but it’s i’d say 60/40 couple in faith vs worldly couple standards. I do believe women and men have separate roles but I do not believe women HAVE to be stay at home moms or just mothers in general and I hate this time that we are in where being a stay home at mom turned influencer is the only thing they want to do these days.

I have been praying a lot during this time because I am fully sinning and sending dirty messages and have sent nudes to 2 men which one I am still talking to. I know God is not a genie and just because i’m asking for something doesn’t mean it’ll just happen or go my exact request and way but i’ve been hanging on tight to him because i’m scared of the person i’ll become in this next chapter of my life. I want a husband who is religious, and when I say that I mean most importantly believe in God and prioritizing him in our relationship. I’d love if we could go to church together but I currently have stopped going due to my schedule (there is always time for God though) so beggars can’t be choosers but i’d love for us to be open and loving towards God especially when we become parents. I can’t say I want kids but I know if I met the right guy I would so i’ve been saying i’m open to it but it’s not the end of the world if I don’t have kids.

I have not sex because 1) the opportunity hasn’t presented itself 2) I know premarital sex is forbidden 3) sex is a big connection for me emotionally and physically

I feel like everyone is having sex. I go online to listen to people stories and it’s born again Christians who had 5 partners and slept with all of them but because they found their way again and waited 2 years and got married it’s considering “waiting” and i’m angry to be honest. I feel like everyone is having sex and no consequences will be made and I have such a fear of having sex before i’m married because I do not want to go to Hell yet everyone just keeps going on their merry way and I know you can’t judge and I don’t know everyone’s testimony and what they’ve gone through but come on i’ve been so good and feel like i’m being punished all of the time

A part of me just wants to ask for forgiveness and do it anyways but I know i’d hate myself if I did it and wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt eating at me for being disrespectful but pathetically enough I think going through that would strengthen my faith.

If someone understands what i’m trying to say or has experienced this back and forth and doubt and fear please help me. I want to put God above all else but my flesh is eating me alive and i’m about to break.

I have just started online dating and dipping my toes in the water and have talked with a guy for a couple weeks now and it’s been great and consistent. I am not picky about the age but I have been inclined for just a bit older with it being my first potential relationship and so far he’s given me that emotional security I was looking for until recently…

I have sent photos to him early on because he was the only guy I felt comfortable with to do so but now he takes as many chances as he can to get more. I know humans have desires and i’m not saying I don’t either but my dilemma is the sole thought of going to hell over sex.

He grew up Catholic but doesn’t believe anymore and says his parents still go to Mass and I didn’t grow up religious but have gone to church for 4 months and then stopped due to my busy schedule and it is something i’d like to keep in my life. I don’t need an overly religious husband because I am lukewarm but he has kind of made it clear religion isn’t his priority so I didn’t want to push at the early stages but I’d like to circle back when it feels right and it hasn’t.

We both live at home and it is expected for someone in our family to be with us but he blatantly ask me for photos when he’s downstairs with his parents. He tries to tell me that they’re not near him and it’s fine but I told him i’m not comfortable sending photos knowing his mom is around.

We had such a great streak of emotional in depth conversations but he’s so horny all the time he will genuinely cut off a conversation just to ask me what i’m up to and see if i’m home to get a photo. I told him to take a break from texting because he’s not interested anymore and he said he was just “drained and tired” and so we took a break for literally half a day from a 10 day bender and he’s still asking for more photos. I’ve sent 16 overall and he sent me 1 willingly and 1 where I had to beg because he was “shy” and I am trying to tell him this is unfair without sounding like a girl who wants to be his girlfriend. I know men develop slower then women and a 31M is equivalent to a 21M but it’s just getting crazy.

I have tried so hard to initiate dates, hangouts whatever you want to call them so we can at least see each other in person and he says his anxiety makes him not want to go anywhere but also won’t let me come over because his parents are home, my parents are home and i’ve even lowered my standards to hell and offered car sex and he just said we’re both so tall he’d want my first time to be more comfortable but then won’t give us options.

I decided last night to confirm a date and suggested a movie date to feel each other out, have low commitment in case something changes and even offered him a handjob and he didn’t ask what movie, ask what date or time, just said “where can we fuck though” and I got so mad.

I do have parental issues with my parents being not emotionally available for me and have gone no contact with my mom recently so I think i’m just in my head and have found comfort in my religion because God has never left me which is why I do not want to disappoint him, but I am also human who feels like my religion is trapping me into someone I don’t want to be or am just not ready to be and my fear is just going to have sex with this guy and him leaving me and then i’m left with a bad first time over a guy who couldn’t even pretend to care.

He surprises me with good conversation and lets me into his life and inner circle and family but as soon as I say anything remotely open ended it ends with him asking for photos or reminding me when can we meet to have sex.

My religion makes me anxious, he makes me feel like a 16 year old girl again in high school talking to a Jock, I am not going to hell over sex but he does seem to be pretty impressive from what i’ve seen. I am fine with the dirty talk but don’t ask me when we’re having sex and then not giving me options as a man on where you’d take me.

I don’t need to be babied or have princess treatment but this is just not what I was expecting.