u/VinciVisionary

This is more of a rant than anything else, but I’m also looking for perspectives from people who’ve been through something similar.

I’m 34, and my wife and I have a 4-month-old baby boy.
Lately I’ve been feeling increasingly frustrated, because of the tug-of-war between how we want to raise him and what our extended family expects from us. It’s manageable if I see other families but still it bothers me quite a lot.

Both of us want to raise him in a logical, evidence-based, practical way. We don’t want to make him follow traditions that we ourselves don’t believe in. If, when he grows up, he chooses to be religious, spiritual, or even more religious than us, that’s completely his choice. We just don’t want to condition him into believing something simply because generations before him did.

The latest example is his Annaprasanna (first rice-feeding ceremony).

To be honest, we didn’t even want to have one. But because my grandmother is still alive and because of family expectations, we agreed to do it in our village. Even after pushing back, we’re still expected to invite around 150 people, and that’s already the “reduced” guest list because I kept telling everyone I don’t have that kind of budget. Plus for the close ones you will have to buy sarees, clothes etc as return gift.

The strange part is that many of these relatives are people we haven’t met in years. Apart from a few close uncles and my maternal side of the family, we barely interact. Yet somehow this has become less about our son and more about fulfilling social expectations. Sometimes I honestly feel these ceremonies are more for the adults than the child.

I come from a large Brahmin Hindu family. Most of my relatives have done well financially but stayed in our hometowns and villages running family businesses. I was raised in the same environment.
The difference is that I eventually moved away, started working, travelled countries, met people from different backgrounds, and read a lot more. Over time, many beliefs simply stopped making sense to me.

Today I’d probably call myself an atheist—or at least someone who doesn’t believe in God the way my family does. My wife feels exactly the same.
What surprises me is that I see many educated people—including colleagues—continuing traditions simply because that’s what their families expect.

For example, we’re expected to teach children to say “Jai…”, touch everyone’s feet, or follow rituals from a very young age.
Maybe I’m missing something, but I’d much rather teach my son humility than ritual. Respect people because they deserve respect, not simply because they’re older. Think critically. Be kind. Stay curious. Question ideas respectfully. Those values seem far more important to me.

Then there’s the Mundan ceremony (shaving a baby’s head). Every time I ask someone in my family why we actually do it, nobody can explain it beyond “We’ve always done it.”
Or take the Jataka (birth chart). Soon after a child is born, we’re expected to have a priest prepare a horoscope that supposedly predicts his personality, career, marriage, health, and major life events.Really?

How can anyone know the course of an entire human life from the exact time and place of birth?
If someone wants to believe in astrology for themselves, that’s absolutely their choice. What I struggle with is treating those predictions as objective truth and letting them influence decisions about a child who hasn’t even begun to live his life.

So far we’ve stood our ground on quite a few things.
No honey.
No ghutti.
No unnecessary talcum powder.
No random traditional remedies without evidence.
No teeka just because “everyone does it.”

The same happened during my wife’s postpartum recovery. People insisted she should eat things like sabudana because “that’s what new mothers eat.” Sure, new mothers need extra calories, but why sabudana specifically? Why not prioritize balanced nutrition with adequate protein, eggs, pulses, fruits, vegetables, and healthy fats when we can afford all that? Every time I asked “why?”, the answer was almost always, “This is how it’s always been.”

I’ve had plenty of respectful conversations—and arguments—with my parents about all this. They’re wonderful people, and I know everything comes from a place of love(hopefully). This isn’t about disrespecting them or mocking anyone’s beliefs.
It’s simply that our worldview is different.
At the end of the day, this is our child. We want him to become a logical, compassionate, scientifically minded person who forms his own conclusions based on evidence, experience, and curiosity—not because something has been repeated for generations.
The irony is that despite believing all this, I still find myself giving in sometimes. Not because I think these rituals have value, but because constantly saying “no” comes with guilt, emotional pressure, and the feeling that you’re hurting people you
love.

Maybe that’s just part of living in a close-knit Indian family.
I have lot more such examples which I believe you all may know already - but just wanted to vent out what was going on lately on my mind.

This is more of a rant than anything else, but I’m also looking for perspectives from people who’ve been through something similar.

I’m 34, and my wife and I have a 4-month-old baby boy.
Lately I’ve been feeling increasingly frustrated, because of the tug-of-war between how we want to raise him and what our extended family expects from us. It’s manageable if I see other families but still it bothers me quite a lot.

Both of us want to raise him in a logical, evidence-based, practical way. We don’t want to make him follow traditions that we ourselves don’t believe in. If, when he grows up, he chooses to be religious, spiritual, or even more religious than us, that’s completely his choice. We just don’t want to condition him into believing something simply because generations before him did.

The latest example is his Annaprasanna (first rice-feeding ceremony).

To be honest, we didn’t even want to have one. But because my grandmother is still alive and because of family expectations, we agreed to do it in our village. Even after pushing back, we’re still expected to invite around 150 people, and that’s already the “reduced” guest list because I kept telling everyone I don’t have that kind of budget. Plus for the close ones you will have to buy sarees, clothes etc as return gift.

The strange part is that many of these relatives are people we haven’t met in years. Apart from a few close uncles and my maternal side of the family, we barely interact. Yet somehow this has become less about our son and more about fulfilling social expectations. Sometimes I honestly feel these ceremonies are more for the adults than the child.

I come from a large Brahmin Hindu family. Most of my relatives have done well financially but stayed in our hometowns and villages running family businesses. I was raised in the same environment.
The difference is that I eventually moved away, started working, travelled countries, met people from different backgrounds, and read a lot more. Over time, many beliefs simply stopped making sense to me.

Today I’d probably call myself an atheist—or at least someone who doesn’t believe in God the way my family does. My wife feels exactly the same.
What surprises me is that I see many educated people—including colleagues—continuing traditions simply because that’s what their families expect.

For example, we’re expected to teach children to say “Jai…”, touch everyone’s feet, or follow rituals from a very young age.
Maybe I’m missing something, but I’d much rather teach my son humility than ritual. Respect people because they deserve respect, not simply because they’re older. Think critically. Be kind. Stay curious. Question ideas respectfully. Those values seem far more important to me.

Then there’s the Mundan ceremony (shaving a baby’s head). Every time I ask someone in my family why we actually do it, nobody can explain it beyond “We’ve always done it.”
Or take the Jataka (birth chart). Soon after a child is born, we’re expected to have a priest prepare a horoscope that supposedly predicts his personality, career, marriage, health, and major life events.Really?

How can anyone know the course of an entire human life from the exact time and place of birth?
If someone wants to believe in astrology for themselves, that’s absolutely their choice. What I struggle with is treating those predictions as objective truth and letting them influence decisions about a child who hasn’t even begun to live his life.

So far we’ve stood our ground on quite a few things.
No honey.
No ghutti.
No unnecessary talcum powder.
No random traditional remedies without evidence.
No teeka just because “everyone does it.”

The same happened during my wife’s postpartum recovery. People insisted she should eat things like sabudana because “that’s what new mothers eat.” Sure, new mothers need extra calories, but why sabudana specifically? Why not prioritize balanced nutrition with adequate protein, eggs, pulses, fruits, vegetables, and healthy fats when we can afford all that? Every time I asked “why?”, the answer was almost always, “This is how it’s always been.”

I’ve had plenty of respectful conversations—and arguments—with my parents about all this. They’re wonderful people, and I know everything comes from a place of love(hopefully). This isn’t about disrespecting them or mocking anyone’s beliefs.
It’s simply that our worldview is different.
At the end of the day, this is our child. We want him to become a logical, compassionate, scientifically minded person who forms his own conclusions based on evidence, experience, and curiosity—not because something has been repeated for generations.
The irony is that despite believing all this, I still find myself giving in sometimes. Not because I think these rituals have value, but because constantly saying “no” comes with guilt, emotional pressure, and the feeling that you’re hurting people you
love.

Maybe that’s just part of living in a close-knit Indian family.
I have lot more such examples which I believe you all may know already - but just wanted to vent out what was going on lately on my mind.

We live in Chandanagar near a temple, and for the last two days there’s been a puja, function with the loudspeaker volume being extremely high from morning until evening.
Normally I wouldn’t mind, but we have a 4-month-old baby, and it’s becoming really difficult to put him to sleep. Even with all the windows and doors closed, the sound is still very loud inside our home.
I was considering going over and politely asking if they could reduce the volume a little, but my wife is worried it may not be taken well. We are not native Telugu speakers, so she’s concerned it could lead to an unnecessary argument or misunderstanding.
I don’t want to interfere with anyone’s celebrations but I just wish the volume could be lowered a bit so nearby residents, especially families with infants or elderly people, aren’t affected. I feel helpless. Any suggestions?

EDIT - Not that it should matter, but mentioning this because some comments are taking the discussion in the wrong direction. I was born into a Brahmin Hindu family, though i am not particularly religious. My concern isn’t the puja etc, it’s the excessive volume and the impact it’s having on my baby’s sleep.
I am waiting for our house owner to accompany me to the temple so we can politely request a lower volume. I didn’t want to make an issue out of it, but it bothers a lot when the baby is affected.
To the shitty people out there - Please keep the discussion practical and avoid making it communal or posting “go to Pakistan” type comments.