u/Violent_Lamb8

I'm going to go F***ing insane, I have been trying to find a job since I graduated high school, I don't have any job XP because I was told graduating with a diploma was enough to start, and I don't have a degree for art jobs to get hired, and I can't afford college. i dont have anyone to give me transportation, i have even moved around states to find a job and ive been doing so since 17, Im 21 going on 22 and im livid at the fact that all these places keep saying theyre hiring but when you call them they tell you their basically just looking for backups and arent actually hiring for active employment, I cant find any legit remote work and I want to find one so i can start my freelance business and can finally get somewhere in life instead of being stuck. I need advice, and I need it badly. I want a job that will actually hire me, actually pay me, and actually read the f***ing applications I put in.

I am in the broom closet and cant buy witchy items or find much, so i turned to using any and all items i have in my house and i want toc share them with others in case they are stumped.

pocket bottles (vials) and jars: I find old air freshner plug-ins and i take the empty bottles, wash them out, and then sit them to dry out.(PLEASE TRY TO SAVE THE TOPS ITS HARD TO FIND MORE WHEN THEY GET THROWN AWAY) its ok if you cant find the tops because you can plug them with soft tissues like paper towels, toiletpaper, or tiny bits of fabric. If you have a funnel or depending on the kind of plug in top that fits it, you can use them as a way to pour them in since the holes are tiny. you can use jars for this as well, any jar, plastic or glass if its a container that wot be missed or its from jelly, pickles, etc thatare going to be thrown out or discarded in any way save those jars.

Herbs: always check your kitchen first, the seasonings/spices you use in your food and everyday cooking are the most useful, if youre unsure of certain herbs or what to use, you can search it up, I will also update this post later with the list of things i found useful in my kitchen. you basically eat these everyday on your food, another reason why its magically delicious. take only what you need or pour some seperately to put in those little bottles or jars so it wont be suspicious that anything is missing

sticks and stones: you can find cool sticks or twigs, peel the bark or use the whole things for whatever you wish to use it for(i use the bark for protection) please do tear them off the trees though. if you find cool stones, smoothe or with a surface you can write on, you can use them as rune stones with a sharpie

Fire safety items: you know those old pans or baking trays that are no longer being used or are rusted but still usable if you put a baking sheet or tin foil on? those can be used for fire safety rather than using glas if youre paranoid about shattering and prefer something metal, I use an old round bottom to a cake pan that snaps on to its rim. try find small ones so you can be discreet, do not burn in active hours of family being present bc they might smell it, cookie tins are useful too, or ones that hold mints, if you have an old tin like the ones sewing items are put in, you can use this too

tea bags: tea herbs are very useful as well, i advise that you are safe when coosing to burn these, you can tear the bags open and use them, if you used them in tea, you can dry them out and make it into ashes for black salt

Hiding: if you need to hide anything due to nosy people or just those who disapprove in your household, hide them in the most personal private place possible, like your underwear drawers, in purses/bags that dont get checked or are simply left private to you, buying a privacy box with a lock on it if you can do so, keep that hidden too in case someone sees it and tries to break in it, you can hide them in btween your box spring and mattress, or you can hide them in vents (please be careful of this and it depend on the kind of vents you have, if the have drops or holes going straight down you will lose it and it will become a hazard do not set anything sensitive to heat or that could perish/spoil in it if the heat is ever turned on) be sure that the items you hide are not able to be blown away in the ventilation and if you have one in the ceiling, carefully place it off to the side where it isnt visable if someone happens to look and sees it throught the grate

Warding lines: its obvious that certain wards cant be had or visible, like the floor or your window, that little ledge above your door (if you have one) can be used as the perfect place for warding Id reccomend for the window that you put it inside the closing part of your window if you cant have it on the window seal, you can also wave incense smoke or just burn them and candles too sitting on the ledge by the window and make protective prayers or sit an unassuming item that you set with the intention of protecting you can ward your bed if you feel the need to, just sprinkle any protection herb of your choice between the bedspring and mattress, you can set your jewelry that you wear as a protective item and wear it to bed or tuck it under your pillow.

This is all i have for now, see you later!

I was curious about the natal thing that my friends told me about, I dont know how to read it and had to find a website to figure it out, I tested out multiple and they all keep showing the same deity in almost every part of my chart, Does this mean they have Guardianship of me or are a guide? I dont know much about how it works and would like to know what this means

I'm not a full devotee to Lilith, but during my teen years i felt more and more drawn to her and what she had stood for, i started asking lilith, for stregnth because i had been struggling through so much at a young age, and i beleive she might have sent an incubus to me due to how alone and saddened iwas by people who hurt and harmed me. I wasn't aware that it had been here a long time, and I don't know how to make it leave. I am currently sitting and praying to deities I have prayed to before.

I did invite it eventually after seeking answers for what was touching me, it's taken my consent a bit overboard and is harming me and draining my energy. It has done this for a while, over 2 years now, I hadnt noticed that it was still here and too stubborn to leave after I cleansed my space when I asked it to leave, i started praying and worshipping another deity and it seemed to be jealous and imitate the god I had been praying to and being devoted to all these years, How do i make him go back?

I whispered my name into the water to reach something. I did find what I could to know how to reach it. I left my name in the water, washed it down the drain, and I have been attacked by harmful entities ever since. I hear it whispering my name to get my attention, and I've already done several cleanses and wards. How do I stop this?

I'm not a full devotee to Lilith, but during my teen years i felt more and more drawn to her and what she had stood for, i started asking lilith, for stregnth because i had been struggling through so much at a young age, and i beleive she might have sent an incubus to me due to how alone and saddened iwas by people who hurt and harmed me. I wasn't aware that it had been here a long time, and I don't know how to make it leave. I am currently sitting and praying to deities I have prayed to before.

I did invite it eventually after seeking answers for what was touching me, it's taken my consent a bit overboard and is harming me and draining my energy. It has done this for a while, over 2 years now, I hadnt noticed that it was still here and too stubborn to leave after I cleansed my space when I asked it to leave, i started praying and worshipping another deity and it seemed to be jealous and imitate the god I had been praying to and being devoted to all these years, How do i make him go back?

I have done some recent searching, and I have found out that thing attached to me is a negative entity that has clung to me since childhood and has slowly been feeding off of my since possible birth, manipulated me, and Loki, and has violated me by tricking me into thinking he was loki the whole time. How do I reach out to loki to help me more on this? I have called him before in my dreams and he's helped me wake up from the dreams of it chasing me when I had recently started being a devotee. I'm upset that this thing has stolen everything I had offered and gifted to Loki, i dont think my prayers make it through because this entity is blocking so much.

I wanted to reach out to my ancestors and make an offering at a spot near my house by a tree that was cut down. I had whispered my name into water to help reach out to them, but something took it as an invitation and has been damaging my energy and doing harm to me in uncomfortable and violent ways. I only realized it was a negative entity that attached itself when I made an offering to nature again. The negative things i'm experiencing are abusive and have sent sensations of being sa'd, chained, and beaten like someone enslaved. I had apologized to my ancestors, thinking this was punishment for disturbing them but this was not what that was and i dont know how to remove it or to be sure it wont come back.

I am still uneasy and am using crystals and chakra cleanses to hopefully keep myself safe and from being drained by it as i type, i havent felt any better other than slight ease from calling on protection to keep it at bay while cleansing my space. Please help me i dont know what to do and I don't think my wards are working.

EDIT: I have done further work and realize this entity has been feeding off of me a while for over 2 years and was tricking me into thinking it was a deity, I had given it consent and practically power over my autonomy and my name, is there a way I can undo this? I already made a name spell jar and another with my blood after it attacked me the second time, my space is cleansed and I still feel it's presence or like its trying to break through my wards.

I just combined my blood with sage ashes used to cleanse my space of a negative entity that has been harming me, I then added obsidian, sage, lavender, and chili powder, and sealed it in a jar with a protection rune written inside and out, Is this a bad Idea?

Edit: So I beleive it worked, the entity that attached itself to me was from the nature surrounding us I usually make offerings to the forest and i guess it attached to me from those offerings. I heard screams coming from in the forest area.

I will probably remove this and blog it elsewhere if this is too deep or triggering for me to share.

I want to give a Disclaimer before you read this post. I only have written descriptions of my experience, and I am not directly saying that Loki will put my life at risk now or ever; he has not and will not, but he has scared me to the point that I can't take a shit or really eat. (DO NOT CONTINUE TO READ THIS IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY ABUSIVE AND INHUMANE TOPICS)

A really sickening part of me has been lodged, and I have not been able to cough it up ever since the recent events of what has happened. I didn't need to reach out to my ancestors. I didn't need a reason to believe I was being attacked or harmed when all of it was my own pain and fear that I let manifest, and I gave Loki the key to let all of it out. The cunning mastermind learned how to get close to me, learned how to get my guard down, and to be completely trustworthy of him. He saw I was deprived, and he fed me like a wild Animal until it was in his palm, and he collared me, not to be tamed but to treat the festering wounds that were slowly killing me.

The abuse I was feeling, I couldn't figure out if it was projected, if it was just negative thoughts, or if it had been something negative I invited to my space by mistake. But what it was the entire time was Loki. I thought I was feeling the abuse of my ancestors that they had projected to me. that I had been a terrible descendant somehow, and they wanted to teach me a lesson. I heard screams of women and a man who would violate them freely, I heard children screaming, " Stop! " I heard my name being called constantly over and over and over until today I felt violation of my own body even though I have never felt it before, I hated what it felt like, I couldnt sleep, I had to force myself to eat, my chakras were trembling as if warning me, I listened I stayed aware until i remembered that it wasn't my life... it was theirs right? Then why am I still feeling this? In the very bottom of me, it makes my spine feel tense, my body refuses to sit comfortably, even though I was alone and felt safe.

I was safe and had been safe, but what made me uncomfortable was this presence, heavy and angry and wanting me to fear whether I gave it or not, I felt burns around my neck, Like I was being strangulated or being threatened I fought against it silently, It was him, i had cleansed and grounded and I couldnt shake anything else, even when I no longer doubted him, he continued to do these things, I couldnt do anything but let him. "maybe its for the best, maybe he's angry at me, or hes trying to help me become comfortable by ignoring the terrible feelings, he's a god, I can trust him." the longer I sat uncomfortably thinking i needed to face my fears, the longer I felt unhealthy and sick, I thought i just needed exposure to over come. He's a god, I can trust him.

When I first started paganism, I was sure I could trust him; he's a god, and he has no reason to hurt me the way others have. I let him stay, and we grew close, but while this grew, something quietly followed with it. Everything I was sure of with him, had smaller, quieter questions: "Are you sure?" I kept ignoring it, and I even told myself that I was sure that I could trust him. I know he won't hurt me. "ARE YOU SURE?" it grew louder and louder until i started to question, started focusing on every little detail until something was off or didn't seem right, constantly going over it and being given his reassurance was helpful at first. "ARE. YOU. SURE?"... I grew silent, had stopped listening, decided feeling was better, that loving was better, and that I was overthinking like i had every other relationship, be it platonic, romantic, sexual, or familial. I knew i could trust him because he wasn't human and a god had no reason for petty ways like us. So I left myself open to him. I let him have access to everything that I was and am.

When I was a child, I was always sick or had to be hospitalized, one of the times being due to a spider that had bitten me when I was little. I remember seeing the bite when i went to lay down to sleep, i was in pain and itchy, and then i screamed and woke up in a hospital bed with fluids, a brown recluse had bitten me. And I feared them, never trusted spiders again until I started working with Loki, but I still don't want brown recluses near me. I had grown up with my clair-senses, and over time they have not opened back up and i probably wont have those back and fear I lose more as I go. I hadn't found out about constipation in chakras also affecting the body and figure, since i had grown up my whole life struggling with constipation and bad bowels, that it was just hereditary.

That wasnt it, not entirely. I realize from self-reflection that during my childhood, there was also abuse, and I witnessed it and grew up with my mother in it. my parents were only kids with kids but not with parents, neither of them had a good childhood and it didnt really help to have a child you didnt plan for either. Throughout witnessing the abuse, i started having nightmares, and ofc as a black child, getting your first beating is absolutely horrible. It hurts, and if you say it out loud in sobs, they hit you again and say "its not supposed to feel good." this is of course only used when a child is bad... right? I was never told I was good and I had did some bad hings, but it was always with reason it was always premeditated but i didnt need the meditation and naturally was able to cause trouble. I thought i was evil and loved it.

What i didnt love was how people hurt me. I thought i was fine, and I never was, because the same mindset of "he's a god you can trust him" is the same mind i have and was raised with. I hadnt been givng consent, I was letting people do and hurt me because of who or what they were to me. theyre my parents, theyre doing whats best for me, theyre my friend, they arent hurting me, My boyfriend/girlfriend wont hurt me, they love me so im sure that its ok to let them... punish me with pain as discipline, bully me and gossip, manipulate and use me for only sexual exploitation.. "but it was my fault, i was in the wrong i didnt let them do or say what they wanted, itsmy fault for being sensitive, I need to fix my face like nothing is wrong or i'll be beat for defince.. its ok, if i do everything they tell me, i'll be ok.. i'm ok... im.. fine. but I wasnt.. I was hurt.. I was sad, I was alone, and the sadness had only been an extinguisher for my anger when I grew more and more, and the madness did too so i purposely sedated and sobbed to sleep and it became all i could do as i got older.

Nothing I did worked; I didn't feel normal, something felt wrong, and I had developed depression at 13. I wanted help but I was scared to. My parents split up, and I was in yet another abusive household with my father who told me i was in a phase, and a bunch of perverted boys again. I had finally wondered what I did wrong and how i could do better, and since the only way i learned was from these people. I started looking at myself the way they did.

Growing up as a woman didn't help, not when you couldn't feel comfortable and are shamed by yourself, random people and the world as well, so i stayed hidden under baggy clothes and hoodies, and being called fat or sexualized when wearing normal clothes that show my figure. Growing up in a city known to be predominantly white, and being bullied by them and then getting bullied because you don't fit in predominantly black areas, and then you dont fit in anywhere where its meant to be a diverse and safe place for students. I was bullied regardless, and I began to hate my existence even after I graduated high school.

I had my first identity crisis when i had started my very first relationship with a girl, and was beaten and forced to break up with her, and out of fear told my parents we were only friends and she was helping me learn how to be comfortable around men (she was going to transition when we got older until her parents found out). I didnt get to explore and I had just grown out of the homophobic mindset that was imprinted onto me, but was too scared to come out the closet or know what closet I'm even in.

Constantly moving states never helped and made it harder to focus in school as if I hadn't already been struggling since pre-k. Everyone says its a big accomplishment, making it through a decade of being thrown in a building with other children who dont know anything or anyone, while they are half-assedly monitored and protected, and you were only protected if you were the bully or you had some form of privilege to be excused from sitting in seats and lines all day and didnt get to move around or go outside whenever you wanted to feel free, I was miserable when I first gained conciousness as a kid. I even said out loud that everything was different. I sobbed because it was different, and I hated it.

I missed my home, even though I had my family together, so i figured i just missed being in the house, that wasn't it either, I had grown apart from something and i felt it. and it started to chase me in my dreams, it wanted to find me because our connection was forced to be tethered, and I ran from it because I didnt recognize or see the invisbile force that came to me when i was alone in the dark. I had not been the same, nothing else was the same, I grew up unknown in an unknown world, without even knowing myself, I was just a teenage girl who didn't know who or what she was, and it is only recently theses past 2-3 years I have started to question my identity and my unlived life, i have not been alive, I havent felt like a living person despite trying to be kept alive just to grow into, not until Loki returned.

He felt so familiar, like I had known him even though i was sure this was our first interaction. the only energy I have ever felt was through feeling, i could feel there was a feild that made it so clear of where and what was there, I felt when it shifted, but didnt see anything being disturbed, something kept us physically seperated, but it still wasnt enough, I can feel his touch, I feel his warmth, and I can feel the direct source of his being, not just presence. he is there with vessel and all but I cant see him. he see me but can he feel me? I had like to think so with how intimate and sexual we had started to become. was why I didn't understand his actions, why suddenly he was aggressive, why he wasn't letting up and he knew that i knew it was him, and he kept doing it.

I always let him have something, I always shared something, I was high off feeling genuine love that i let him do what he wanted because i wanted our connection, i wanted to feel him, to be loved by him, and the stronger everything grew, the more power and the more i spoiled him rotten and he began to do and say rotten things.. I was comfortable if he was comfortable and it didnt help that i still had doubts or felt like it wasnt him but I continued to give him consent and told myself I was just overthinking, he hadnt been making me uncomfortable until he started speaking to me. "What if I beat you?'' "r##e you" "kill you" "show you." Those were the whispers i heard but the most terrible thing about it was the screams and abuse i heard were only the ones I heard from witnessing others being abused, and it became imaginative, I heard the sounds of belts and a man telling them to shut up.

there was only one man I heard and it was the same voice, and it was terrifying when i realized what he was really saying. he was showing me my past and whatdangersi open myself to without be clear with consent, I didnt know what consent truly was, I always thought it was yes when comfortable with someone, not that it was yes when comfortable WITH someone being in your space, there is no "we" when it comes to personal comfort, I thought his happiness was more important and I didnt realize that the truama i needed to heal from wasnt just from people who abused me because i was brainwashed with this thought process, but that it was genetic.

The reason why the violation and strangulation felt like it was really occurring is that it was a shared trauma that was passed down directly to me and wasn't that far in the spine or blood. He made it very clear that he wasn't a random entity looking to snack off a depressed person like a pathetic parasite; in fact he was insulted and to pour salt on him? I started trying to invite and welcome MORE SPIRITS, so i could understand and figure out why i was like this when he was there for me and I wasn't afraid of him.

I told him myself i'd never fear him, and he knew that. He had never given me a reason to fear him which made me think of myself worse. I didn't doubt i could trust him, I wasn't afraid of him and in fact stuck to him like glue without trouble except the pea somewhere in my bed. He couldn't get through my other fears, so he used those instead. The verbal threats weren't scary enough, and he intended to scare me with more if it wasn't enough. He had access to what I did fear, and most of it wasn't something i told him or anyone, it was a secret i was going to take to the grave. I have finally solved my childhood mystery. I discovered things dark and true while what I had in light was false, I asked and he answered, but he did not tell me the price nor how heavy it was going to be.

He didn't randomly show up to pull me out of the darkness. He was there the moment I was born, and he watched me until he knew it was his time to step in. Loki truly is evil, but he's also good; he's both and neither. And the more you let him into your life, the more he watches silently in the dark with glowing eyes and pupils black that pierce the light and dark: Hail Loki and his haunting excellence of pure chaos.

Please don't be concerned for me or my well-being, this is only the tip of the iceberg i carry on my back as I drowned my entire upbringing and it was done silently to hide from pain and being hurt. He helps me melt it, and while I hate the heat and would rather stay cold, I'd rather do it alive, breathing, and on land with my feet in powder snow. With full seriousness, I dont think talking or reaching professional help will help me much, I wouldn't be comfortable doing or saying anything in person, and I cant afford this bullshit economy. I am where I need to be right now and when its time, I will speak to someone. Thank you for making it this far down and being someone who genuinely cared enough to read what stayed bottled for years. I'm grateful for the changes brought in my life and I'm thankful for this community and the Lokeans that genuinely share and care.

I was tying a new meditation when I had tried to speak to my ancestors, but the meditation I used was "I pull my focus inward, I inhale deep cleansing breaths and exhale what no longer serves me purpose, I fall from all but my being and self." That was when I first heard what I thought I heard him. I used that wrong and ended up dissolving my boundaries and protections. I need to know how I can reverse it. I feel something negative has gotten to me and now has the power of my name to keep harming me abusively.

in addition, I discovered that the city I live in was known for owning slaves in the past. Reaching out to my ancestors might have gone wrong and opened myself externally and possibly internally. What can I do to fix this, I have called on Loki for protection.

Edit: I would like to make it aware I am not physically harmed, but it is attacking my chakras and feeding off of my energy through my trauma.

I find myself being stuck way more than i Realized, i feel so uncomfortable, thinking positive puts me at ease but it doesnt last long and the negativity just jumps right back, I keep hearing theings, someone calling my name and i keep hearing other uncomfortable sounds that are of people screaming, I dont know what i'm doing that isnt keeping positive energy, i'm going through a full cleanse of my space and house rn to be sure things are thourogh before doing a deep spiritual cleanse, I set my protections I spoke my boundaries, acknowledged the noises or anything that could be there and spoke positively out loud, I still feel uneasy though, and when i try to relax the intrusive thought of the negativity coming back set in and it comes back.

I find myself trying to find ways to boost myself higher and remain mindful of my positivity, but giving positivity to myself feels tiring. I started realizing I don't know how to be so positive, what are ways to start self-love and self-care, for someone who's just seen things as tiring and a bland part of life I have to go through? how do I become a positive being?

I want to be strong, I want to be capable, I want to grow and learn. I have always strived for this, even at my lowest; I still hold on to hope, even with misery. To keep going, to fight through it. But feel guilty for resting. Why? Haven't I done enough? Haven't I gotten much done? Is it enough?

For years, I drained myself and allowed others to drain me. Family has hurt me, friends have hurt me, love has hurt me. I give my love to people I care for because I feel happy, and it's like having sweets, but they're sweet and rich within themselves. I became addicted to giving, gifts, love, and my all. No one wanted any of it, but took it out of greed and stabbed spouts into me without me realizing I didn't get anything out of it. Not during my childhood, not during school years, and not even now as I fight off all of my pain and struggles completely alone. I was told by a few who didn't put effort into the words they gave me that I could talk to them, that I could trust them. I was too scared, and even if the slightest thing was wrong or if I felt any negative or positive emotions, I began to cry, to sob, and to hurt. I turned to them as they said. They put on a show so they could take even out of the internal decay and emptiness, so I shut down and grew quiet.

I found comfort in the dark as I lost more and more light. I was still there, I still helped others, I still laughed, and I still cared enough to share, even though they hurt me, even though I had no one while I tried to be everyone's someone. I tried to hold on to people I loved, people I care for, and they all left. I hated how I felt like I was the only permanence while everything else washed away or was only temporary. I started to become numb, I didn't know where or what, and I didn't care. I became angry, I became hungry from the emptiness, but I didn't want food. I felt so tired and hungry, yet I didn't care anymore, and with nothing I could feed on, I went to sleep. I shut down entirely from everything and everyone for years and grew like this. No one taught me anything, and I didn't even want to bother with putting effort into something I knew wasn't going to work.

I had to find my own answers, so that's what I did. I was going to die in my room, alone, and no one would have known until I didn't show up in the one place I always stood when others needed or wanted from me. I wasn't going to be there anymore. Nothing was ever there for me, and I clung to very little that had hardly convinced me I had reasons for living. I attempted, failed, and the cycle repeated, but nothing worked. I was far from that purpose, reason, and death wouldn't give what I needed or wanted, so I rotted, I kept sleeping, and posing as though everything was fine, I continued, and they kept feeding. I stopped caring, and I wasn't there in any aspect other than rest and sleeping.

Sleeping wasn't enough, and I was still exhausted when I woke up. I started to not sleep at night. I started sleeping through days, weeks, months. until sleep hadn't been the answer, I didn't have answers, so I waited for the rest of my battery to drain until I powered off like a useless broken phone. numb in every part of my being, but I still had a living soul that I failed to carry and would eventually leave me. I knew this, I felt this, but didn't do anything, I had nothing, and I was able to endure it like it was nothing.

Lilith, I wasn't a Christian, and I had been skeptical of "God" since I was a child, But i was still affected by it and the people who scared me away from all religion, and I shrugged it off and decided to do my own thing since it was what I had done for years. This was during the unfortunate election, and after the results came out. My feed and media were being filled with things about gods, and what the bible and its religion truly were. Lilith, I had already been curious about the goddess Lilith during the time, and it was from the books I had read, which weren't about her, but some were fictional stories, like 'Atnomen' or 'Diablo'. But this wasn't enough for me to dive into anything. It wasn't until weird occurrences, and the outer world outside the four walls of my room, started to slip through cracks and find their way to me.

I slowly started surfing,g but not entirely. I connected to the world after so much had happened, from before the pandemic and after, I was isolated and alone. I was scared to come out, so when I did, I stayed quiet and boxed myself so that others wouldn't get to me. I held my guard up and had always fled back to my room after. It was the only place I felt at home, and like I could breathe without my chest hurting anymore. I didn't connect with people, I learned my lesson, and that lesson was my entire life up to now. I went outside ofte,n but not to do anything, I walked out and came back in a little after. I started walking and growing plants, It didnt feel like it changed much of anything. I was only doing what I like, and nature was always there, and it never treated me so badly.

One night, he showed up. My room was dark and silent, except for the light from my phone while I was reading. i hadnt notice much change until My body grew warm, it was a warmth i was familar with but wasnt one that made me uncomfortable, it was drawing me in, it didnt scare me, it didnt make me freak out, but as it progressed and felt as though someone was now above me and began slowling moving against me, That was when i freaked out because I understood exactly what it was now and turned on lights to scan the room. I was confused, and rather than questioning my sanity, I questioned what it was. I needed to look for answers, and was led to Reddit, harassed, helped, and found the Lokean community that I scrolled right past.

(I will say it now, I probably have stressed this poor god the hell out because I had found signs that were old or used to reach out to me during my hardest times, they were from shows, games I played, my general interests that I neglected, and I hadn't noticed or cared because of the state I was in.)

I was foolishly reaching out to a deity after a few years of pulling myself away from the influences of Christianity and Bible-crazed people. Why? Because what I had experienced had matched what people had described to me as a succubus/incubus, I wanted to speak to her in search of understanding who or what was in my room. I had read instructions on how to do it, and when I finally worked my way up to communication (didn't know absolutely anything except what little info I found), I asked her things about her and description, she kept telling me Bronze or red hair, Green or brown eyes. The questions being answered were simple, but the answers were confusing.

Something was up, and I immediately went to look for help on TikTok. (I'm aware it's bad now, but it was helpful from a few on there, still do not recommend going there AT ALL.) There was a man who was live and talked about witchcraft/paganism and journaling. I asked him if he could help, but he simply mumbled while pulling cards, and he was given the tower. I was confused but warned to be careful due to his mischief. I myself have always been one to love mischief, but when he said "burn your house down" mischief, I was hesitant and sure to be clear about not being ready. Loki decided otherwise, stung me while gardening, and helped me get started rather quickly.

I hadn't even noticed how much was changing drastically until I had realized I made an altar within a few weeks of saying "yeah I need totake my time and study first" while unconciously setting a space for him, and I still had yet to fully learn more about him, He didnt care, though and we started anyway, the first thing to get down was divination and grounding. (I wasn't aware I had been doing it the few times I did breathing and meditation, or that being in touch with nature was a part of it.) I was stressed and worried, he was there telling me to relax and just trust, but it was always hard to do, hard to tell, and it wasn't his fault, which made me feel even more horrible. I felt like a burden or that I was failing him. I wasn't even sure how to be a devotee.

I was frustrated; it felt hard to do, all of it. And I felt so tired quickly, but I brushed it off and kept going. I pushed and told myself I wasn't trying hard enough, and I needed more effort. That was where my strength had come from an is how I had been operating. I grew up being told I'm smart and to stop acting stupid, that it wasn't hard, I was lazy, I wasn't tired, I was making excuses, I don't try, I do the bare minimum. that there wasn't anything wrong, I just wanted attention and to be seen. I grew from that dirt and fed off its stale water all the way up to now. It was the only way I was taught, and it was what I had as a template, mixing "positivity" into it, but I was still hurting myself, only optimistically and dancing with its failure and telling myself again tomorrow, then becoming sick because I hated the loop I was in. Growing and improving are great, but to heal is universal when it comes to life. They hold just as much importance as our pain and happiness do, and it's time to start anew and begin again. I'm scared. I don't know much, but I'm not alone now; he won't let me go through it alone, not anymore.