u/Visible-Juggernaut41

I’m really stuck in my own thoughts right now and could use some honest advice from the community

I’m 33M, married to my wife (26F). Unfortunately, we’ve been living separately for the last 6 months, and honestly, it has been one of the worst periods of my life. Our relationship reached a point where she asked me to leave her home (I was living at her place). One day, she put all my belongings outside the door, and that was it. WHY IT happened is also a big story and dunt want to dicuss it here to stay on point:;

The strange thing is, despite everything, we’re still emotionally attached to each other. We still stay in contact and meet once or twice a month. Now Eid is coming, and she invited me to her home where her parents and siblings will also be celebrating together.

Part of me really wants to go because I still love her deeply. But whenever I think about it, I get painful flashbacks of how she and my in-laws treated me. It genuinely makes me feel sick inside. Sometimes it feels like I’m killing my self-respect by going there and facing people who never even called once to ask how I was doing during all these months.

My wife also gives me a lot of silent treatment, which hurts a lot. At the same time, I know I’m not a perfect man either. I made many mistakes in this relationship and caused problems too. But her behavior was also very painful for me.

Now I’m completely confused. If I go, I’m afraid I’ll lose my self-respect and reopen old wounds. If I don’t go, I’m scared it might mean our marriage is truly over.

How do you let go of the past, forget the hurt, and sit with people again like everything is normal? WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERE at my place??? I am very confused nad cant even think aboiut this properly now.

I need serious advice from my fellow Muslim brothers and sisters. Disclaimer: this may be a bit long, but I will try my best to explain everything clearly and briefly. Sentence corrrection by AI, as my english is not that good.

I (33M) have been married to my wife (26F) for 8 years. Our marriage has had many ups and downs. I left my job in the Middle East and moved to her country in Europe. She was born and raised in Europe, though her family is originally from an Asian (Pakistan) background.

I did not want to continue in blue-collar work, so I decided to pursue a master’s degree in engineering. She supported my decision and even took on odd jobs to help with our finances. I also worked part-time, and we shared rent and expenses together.

Because housing costs were very high, and I needed flexibility for internships, we decided to renovate part of my in-laws’ house and rent the upper floor there. Her two younger sisters also lived there, and I always treated them like my own sisters, with full respect. Her brother had another room, though most of the family stayed on the ground floor. I know this was the biggest mistake of my life but financially best decision at that time.

She was once a very kind and innocent woman—the love of my life. I loved her deeply. But at some point, things began to change. I do not know if I was too busy, too stressed, or unhappy in my own life, but she started ignoring me and arguing over small things.

She would shout so loudly that her whole family could hear. To de-escalate the situation and avoid more drama, I would stay silent and leave rather than argue. I spent as much time as possible outside the house. During this period, I was also working on my master’s thesis.

At one point, she told me to leave the house and divorce her. She had a lifestyle more aligned with European independence, and she was not willing to cook for me or very rare as she dunt want to put so much effort into that, saying it was too time-consuming. She mostly relied on instant noodles, bread, sandwiches, or fast food. I began preparing my own meals.

She also has strong OCD-like tendencies. If she saw dirty dishes or noticed even a small mistake from me, she would react angrily. She threatened to throw my belongings in the trash—and sometimes actually did. SHE EVEN THREW THE FOOD I HAD COOKED.

We stopped sleeping together for about a year and had no intimacy during that time. She repeatedly told me to leave and divorce her. Yet, I always believed that somewhere in her heart, she still cared for me.

After completing my thesis, I immediately started working any job I could find because I did not want to sit at home. I worked long hours just to avoid spending time there. I would only return home to cook, sleep, and leave again.

She stopped washing my clothes. For every small favor, she would ask for money. At one point, I also became resentful and stopped contributing as much financially or buying groceries, partly out of revenge.

After all this tension, her parents suggested that we spend some time apart to create space. In the final days before I left, I asked her several times to go out with me on dates, but she rejected me and even said, “I don’t like your face.”

Finally, on 1st December, I left the house. She gave me only my clothes and documents. Everything else we had bought together stayed with her. I did not argue about it. Since then, I have been living in a shared bed space with a friend. Otherwise, I might have had nowhere to stay, as finding housing here is extremely difficult.

Now comes the surprising part.

After I left, we stayed in contact on WhatsApp, and her behavior changed completely—almost 180 degrees. She started speaking to me politely. A few days later, on my birthday, she wanted to meet me, but I initially refused.

Over time, I began to miss her badly. We started meeting every other weekend for dinner in public places. To my surprise, she was willing to spend her days off with me and even planned holidays where we stayed in a hotel together for five nights.

I was shocked by this change in behavior.

She is not cheating—I can say that with confidence—and neither am I. I truly love her. But I cannot forget her past behavior: the threats of divorce, the physical assaults, the breaking of my glasses, her own 60-inch television, and many other belongings when she was angry.

At the same time, she also has good qualities. She is introverted and emotionally attached to me.

She clearly believes that household responsibilities are 100% the husband’s duty. However, when it comes to cooking, she says she is too tired after her full-time job. She also rejected a fertility doctor appointment that I had waited 8 months to secure.

We have now been living apart for 4 months. Whenever I text her, she replies instantly and tries hard to make me happy. But when I ignore her, she makes even more effort and says, “I am not the type of woman who runs behind your attention.”

I do not want to divorce her, but I feel like I am running out of time. I want children and a stable family life. Her condition is that we first rent our own place and that I secure a permanent job so we can be financially stable before having children or pursuing fertility treatment.

I am deeply confused and do not know what to do. I still love her, but I am unsure whether this relationship can truly become healthy and stable again.

What should I do?

Seit ich meinen Masterabschluss gemacht habe, kämpfe ich sehr mit meiner Situation. Während meines Studiums habe ich auf vieles verzichtet, weil ich fest daran geglaubt habe, dass ich nach meinem Abschluss einen guten Job finde, gut verdiene und die Erwartungen meiner Familie erfüllen kann.

Doch obwohl ich meinen Master abgeschlossen habe und nun seit sechs Monaten nach einer Stelle suche, bin ich immer noch arbeitslos. Ich habe mich auf jede Position beworben, die zu meinem Fachgebiet passt, aber bisher konnte ich keine Stelle bekommen. Ich weiß nicht, ob es an Pech liegt oder an der aktuellen Lage auf dem Arbeitsmarkt.

Im Moment bleibt mir nur die Möglichkeit, einen Mindestlohnjob anzunehmen, um über die Runden zu kommen, und ich weiß nicht, was ich sonst tun soll. Diese Situation belastet mein Selbstvertrauen und lässt mich an meinem eigenen Weg zweifeln. Oft frage ich mich, ob sich all die Mühe und Opfer für meine akademische Laufbahn überhaupt gelohnt haben.

Ich möchte nicht aufgeben, aber ich habe kaum noch die Kraft, immer wieder mit Ablehnungen umzugehen. Der ständige Bewerbungsprozess ist einfach erschöpfend.

P.S. Mein Fachgebiet ist Ingenieurwesen.

Since I completed my master’s degree, During my studies, I sacrificed many things because I believed that one day, after graduating, I would get a good job, earn well, and fulfill my family’s expectations.

But even after completing my master’s degree and spending six months searching for a job, I am still unemployed. I have applied for every role related to my field, but I still have not been able to get a job. I do not know if it is because of bad luck or the current job market.

Now, the only option I have is to take a minimum-wage job just to survive, and I do not know what else to do. This situation is hurting my self-confidence and making me question my existence. I often wonder if all the effort I put into academics was really worth it.

I do not want to give up, but I no longer have the courage to face rejection after rejection. Continuing the application process feels exhausting. Does it really worth now to work for the basic minium wages and live your life to its lowest=?

P.S. My field is engineering.