u/Vivid-Psychology9716

Hi all! This will just be my champagne woes about leaving my dog for the first time (next February) and having the privilege of being worried for likely what will end up being no reason so keep that in mind.

I have the glory of WFH full time so ever since we’ve gotten Sage over a year ago, her and I have gotten the pleasure of living the enrichment dream! She does not have separation anxiety and does fine alone for long periods of time, but I’m still nervous leaving town and hiring someone for drop ins/house sitting and if she’ll be getting enough stimulation.

She doesn’t have a strict routine but has a fenced in yard where she gets to bird watch as much as she wants, play fetch and tug, do lick mats, kongs, or other food activities most days, and does a 2 mile walk every day. She’s a mix of a bunch of breeds so I’d say she’s a moderately active dog but I think that can be kind of relative. I do my best to give her a fulfilling life and as you might be able to imagine it’s hard to be sure someone’s services will align with her needs.

The sitter who’s profile I like the most (SAH parent with veterinary experience) does not offer house sits but does offer drop ins and walks, but it feels a little outrageous paying $1400 for someone to only spend 2/hrs a day with my dog for a 7 days :(. On the other hand, there’s another sitter in my area (retired, also a bit cheaper rates) who offers house sits but not sure who will be most able to keep up with Sage. It’s really not about the money, but rather that someone will interact with her, enrich her, and keep her happy and alive while we are away, and allow us to not be too worried about them while we are gone. If all goes well, we fully intent to keep using the sitter leading up to and following this trip!

We plan on meeting with both sitters and seeing who feels like a better match and quickly making our decision to not waste anyone’s time. Any advice? Not trying to be a neurotic pet owner but any advice would be amazing as someone who’s never used this service before. After reading some posts on here, I will be 100% transparent about Sage’s needs, my expectations, and any behavioral quirks she has for them to look out for so that way they feel confident with this arrangement too (but she is pretty perfect ngl LOL) and we will have front and back door cameras to confirm entry but none inside cause it would be weird to monitor someone who I want to feel comfortable. I just don’t want our little love to be bored out of her mind or lonely. Will include a photo (maybe in the comments) if it’s allowed. Any advice will help!

TLDR: my mom died after the stock market crash in ‘08 derailed her finances and slowly her sanity

Sorry this is gunna be long. My (29F) mom (66F) died after being homeless for a little over 2 years. Where do I begin. My mom used to be such a ray of light during her prime in my childhood. I have two older siblings, and she was so fulfilled parenting us and her nieces and nephews before we were born. She came from a long line or Irish Catholics and had a big family growing up. We lived in one of the nicest zip codes in the county. Not responsibly mind you; but she cared a lot about portraying that image to the outside world like we had it all even when we didn’t.

In 2008, it was like she reached a breaking point. The stock market crashed, she reached menopausal age and didn’t feel like herself anymore, she began self medicating with alcohol to cope with the stress, and her marriage with my dad began to crumble. She had been working part time since 2004 and “couldn’t” get a full time job to help ease the financial strain. Sure, it was hard back then, but point is she just never found her own way again. It was the combination of financial and marital stress and self medicating that seemed to ignite these skeletons she buried in her closet long ago and then never fully was able to cope in any way again.

My dad is not innocent here. He struggles with emotional immaturity and I think him villainizing her struggling so poorly really attributed to her narcissistic victim complex causing her to be resistant to help as it would cease her ability to vindicate her own efforts. She never fell out of love with my dad even 15 years later when she died. I think him “betraying” her and choosing the safe option of self preservation really established the notion in her brain that he had done her so dirty it cracked any sense of self worth she had and locked her in these mental trenches of worthlessness and needing to suffer all on her own.

She never moved on. She never got a full time job. She struggled financially the entire time she was on her own. She became a very angry, traumatized yapping chihuahua of an individual. Super combative and confrontational. All of this began to fall on my siblings and I to supplement her financial shortcomings, even as minors, to keep the peace and a roof over our heads. In retrospect, I don’t think any of us would’ve done differently because the system would’ve failed us even greater than she did. My dad knew of this financial and emotional strain on us and did nothing, fully adopting his own preservation even at the expense of our suffering. Now he just says he wished he had done things differently, but isn’t sure what.

Come 2024, all of us kids were doing fine in life. Her middle child moved out 8 years prior to this due to her financial abuse and they are completely estranged, but I lived with her and split expenses and my oldest sibling lived close by and they had a good relationship. She let us know we were about to be evicted and hadn’t paid her half of rent in 6 months. The oldest and I immediately pay the balance so we can stay. We don’t want her or myself in harms way, just wished she’d tell us she needs help before the ship is fully sinking, taking me down with it. There’s no reason to be ashamed, we’ve got her. We’re adults and can handle it. But that didn’t last. Despite the late rent being made up for, the landlord decided to move forward with the eviction anyways because she had broken the lease being so behind on payments that it wasn’t worth the risk.

This led to me moving in with extended family and saving up to buy a house (where I live now) and she moved in with her oldest child. That didn’t last, my mom did nothing to help improve her finances and became so combative and threatening to my oldest sibling that they had to move to evict her too. It was brutal, not anything anyone wanted to resort to but she refused to help herself or maintain a peaceful and safe living environment. Her mental health had gotten so low it changed the way she functioned in society. It was almost like sometimes you wish they’d just stop trying and resort to giving up because it was so embarrassing watching her berate random civilians or workers for simply existing. It was impossible for her to execute a job interview without flat out insulting the interviewer or yelling at them. No wonder she couldn’t get a job.

She ended up living in shelters for about 14 months. Turns out, she got kicked out of her last shelter for refusing to accept any help. They had gotten her arranged with free permanent housing that she could qualify for even with evictions in her credit, but she didn’t want it. She wanted to relocate down south to “retire” so they effectively gave up on her. Coincidentally, she was as awarded $10,000 (gunna save us all the eyestrain and not get into the why) and used it to move down south. Except, that money was gone in about a month and she could never secure permanent living due to her credit score being ruined from evictions. She bounced around 5-7 hotels in 4 months.

She began having health problems and was scheduled for surgery 2 days after being found dead in a motel room. She had been dead for a few days by the time they found her. I had just reached out a month prior to check on her and she wasn’t having it, but I tried and stuck to my boundaries. This has gutted my siblings and I. Her middle child hasn’t spoken to her in 10 years and now our mom’s worst fear came true, that she’d die without seeing, talking to, or patching things up with them again. Her oldest has to live with knowing they tried everything but ultimately evicted her and now she is gone forever, despite their once beautiful relationship. And here I am. Her youngest child, her best friend, who she adored and went to for everything. Left to clean up all the wreckage as my siblings have done a pitiful job helping (I had to pay for and arrange her cremation, shipping, and all of her speakers and services). They haven’t dealt with their childhood traumas from her or our dad well, and have bad and avoidant coping mechanisms and take advantage of my kindness. This has been visceral. I found a note on her phone of final requests in case she ever dies, written a month before her passing.

At least I get to live knowing she did truly love us and harbor no hatred or ill will, but good god. I wish she had a better ending. I wish I had a better one in all of this too. Thank you all for reading.

TLDR: financially stressed about my in laws planning a vacation for us all next year where they are covering lodging but we are expected to pay for everything else

Hi all, first time poster on my alt account but long time lurker. I’ve been with my significant other, their only son, for 6 years. We are in the healthiest relationship known to mankind and are fully committed for life, own a home together, etc.

My in laws have planned a vacation next year where they have invited all their children and significant others and have covered the cost of a rental we will all stay in. We are responsible for covering our own flights (during prime time season so pricey), uber to and from airports, rental vehicle, care for our dog while we are away, getting passports, and anything we want to do on the trip that is separate from what the group is doing. So while their contribution does help get the ball rolling, it’s truly only the tip of the iceberg financially.

So my own personal situation is that I have a decent job (I am early in my career) but it is a contract position, contract will end for good 2 weeks before this trip is set to begin and the dates are non negotiable as it is meant to accommodate one of my IL’s schedules with work, whom makes the least money. My contract has been extended to max term length and cannot be renewed again come this time due to company rules. So obviously I will need another job during that time which is stressful to plan for but so is life.

My in laws do not know my work is contract as they are well meaning worry warts but would not take well to this information, significant other and I have to info diet them quite a bit with most things or else they can get pretty charged over things that simply are not their business. We have an okay relationship, it’s been rocky for years as they struggle with emotional intelligence and haven’t invested anything in their relationship with me, which is cold, but again so is life and just trying to make the best of the situation now and not slap this gesture in the face.

Other random but somewhat relevant info, my mom just died. It was horrible, whatever you’re imagining x it by 1,000 and it’s worse lol. She was homeless, being scammed, had no will, not married, and I am her closest next of kin. I have had to spend around $10,000 on her services and other alike costs and it’s just been a bad fucking time. I came from poverty and am good with money and grateful to be able to budget for this, but not my cup of tea or anybody’s. My in laws have money, I don’t need assistance with this (not that they have offered) but it’s safe to say they admittedly cannot resonate with the struggle I have been placed under currently as well as historically with my upbringing. I have had to spend almost my entire emergency fund on this.

Needless to say, I can go on for ages, but this trip just isn’t sitting right with me. My partner wants me to agree and go because he doesn’t want to miss out on an opportunity to experience this with me, and HAS offered to pay for my expenses, but that doesn’t change the fact that it may be irresponsible considering I might be looking for a job at that time if I haven’t landed one yet. Yes I will begin looking in the interim but I have hella cold feet about this, but they will not take well to me saying no to this trip, and I think that’s what my significant other fears the most: their reaction.

Might just be rambling into the abyss but any advice? Any advice on how to level with in laws who don’t come from the same financial background as you? I think they’d see this as me declining an all expense paid trip but it’s… not. It comes with hefty expenditures and risk. Idk, trying to be young and live my life too but hard to break out of the financial security mold I’ve spent so long crafting to keep myself safe in. Any and all advice welcome.

Hi all, I have an older FTM sibling (let’s call “Trev”) and our parent recently passed. Trev was completely estranged from our late parent since long before their transition. They are only out to myself and our other sibling (let’s call “Steve”) as trans. Steve and I have completely supported Trev in secret for the past 10 years since this started. Trev requested we keep this transition private which we have respected entirely.

Now, we have to produce an obituary for our parent and I think there are better ways to go about this than coming out in an obituary. I don’t want to deadname them. Steve and I have been going through it trying to process this loss while also planning the services ourselves as Trev did not have a relationship with our parent. We’ve tried to come up with compromises, such as coming out to only our surviving parent before we put their new legal name in the obituary, just list another unnamed child, etc. They have insisted on attending the services without any heads up to our surviving parent on the new changes. Unfortunately, people are going to flock to Steve, surviving parent, and I for answers and Trev isn’t considering that might be hard for us to navigate under the circumstances we will be facing that day. Not trying to make life harder for anyone but Steve and I are struggling and this has been a lot on top of the loss we are facing. Any suggestions on how to approach this? I hate to admit that I’m feeling slighted with being asked to come out for Trev, either via this obituary or on the day of my parent’s funeral to close friends and family as we’re all dealing with the emotional toll of this. Sucks. Just wanna do the right thing by Trev and ourselves.

Edit for clarity: Trev has been estranged from all family and friends and not just dead parent. There has been no relationships between him and anyone who will be at the services besides Steve and I

Edit 2: as asked below, we have asked Trev. Trev wants their new legal name in the obituary. this is why we ask they at least come out to our 1 surviving parent so that way they know how to steer questions and conversation around it at the services. They said no, they just want to show up no context and people can ask them questions on the spot. We pointed out that people will probably feel more comfortable asking Steve, surviving parent, and I and surviving parent certainly won’t be equipped with knowing how to respond (but would support this transition) and it’ll be a lot on Steve and I at our parent’s funeral and other services.