u/Weak-Refrigerator538

tw: mentions of suicidal ideation and self-destructive behaviour

I got broken up with around 9 months ago (though, it was messy and the whole thing continued until december). The breakup itself wasnt that bad it didnt involve violence or cheating or anything of the sort, in short my ex was experiencing an identity crisis and didnt have time for me. I was in extreme distress and still am, for the first time in years I started to physically self-harm again, I started drinking heavily, I took three overdoses of meds, I dropped out of school and became unable to leave my house (because I am so scared of seeing my ex), I cut off most of my friends due to paranoia, had to stop therapy due to the not being able to leave my house-thing and other unrelated reasons and basically lost everything I had. My whole life and identity imploded. I feel like a shell, I feel like a completely different person, I still dream about my ex every single night and I fantasize about hurting him and his associates all the time (though, I do know it would be unfair and cruel, its just the only thing that stops me from feeling so suicidal I cannot move). I just can not move on, I do not care about anything else and its slowly destroying my few remaining relationships, as I cant talk about anything else. I sleep all day, I feel deeply hopeless and it feels like there is no point in anything now that my ex is not here. I feel like everything falling apart with him was my fault and i keep replaying the events and thinking about what i couldve done differently to prevent him abandoning me. I know I messed up at least a few times and hurt him unintentionally and I feel like I can never be redeemed ever. It hurts so much I cant breathe and it honestly makes me want to fucking die.

I am here to ask for some support and kindness. In a similar situation, what has been helpful to you?