u/West_Specific7367

I’m 34F, and I recently ended a relationship with a man in his late 40s after approximately three months together. It was my first serious relationship, and I’m struggling to make sense of what happened, particularly whether codependency played a role on either side.

When we first met, everything felt incredibly exciting. I was very attracted to him, we had amazing chemistry, went on romantic weekends away, and he was extraordinarily affectionate. He made me feel desired, cherished and loved in ways I hadn’t experienced before.

But things moved extremely quickly. Within weeks, he was calling me the love of his life, talking about marriage, saying he would never leave me, and wanting us to live together. He wanted to spend virtually every day together. At first, I went along with much of this because I enjoyed his affection and was excited about finally experiencing a proper relationship.

Looking back, I think I sometimes matched his emotional intensity even when I wasn’t feeling quite the same way.

Gradually, however, I started losing myself. I stopped spending as much time with friends, neglected some of my hobbies and routines, and spent most of my free time with him.

He seemed perfectly happy with that arrangement. I wasn’t. He also seemed to need constant reassurance and attention. If I was quiet or tired, he would sometimes interpret it as me being distant. If I checked my phone or replied to friends, he could become upset or make sarcastic comments. I eventually became uncomfortable even picking up my phone around him.

On one occasion, I stopped having occasional one-on-one dinners with a male friend because he had expressed discomfort about it. There were also situations where he would suddenly become quiet or moody without explaining what was wrong. I would immediately become anxious, trying to figure out what I’d done.

I started feeling responsible for maintaining his emotional comfort.

I want to stress that he could also be incredibly loving, attentive and generous with affection. That’s part of what made everything so confusing.
The biggest issue eventually became my independence.

I wanted to occasionally spend a weekend away with friends, perhaps once or twice a year, or take a short trip with a female friend. He strongly objected. He said that spending an entire weekend without him made no sense in a serious relationship and that he wouldn’t accept it.

I wasn’t asking for an open relationship, excessive time apart or anything remotely like that. I was committed and faithful. I simply wanted to preserve my friendships and individuality.
We had endless conversations about this, but he seemed to view my desire for independence as incompatible with being a committed partner.
Meanwhile, our conflicts were becoming increasingly distressing.

During one trip, a relatively minor disagreement escalated into hours of silence and a confrontation that left me curled up in bed, crying uncontrollably. The following morning, I remember thinking that I no longer felt emotionally safe with him. After that, I struggled to relax around him. My sexual desire dropped, I felt constantly tense, and I became hypervigilant about his moods and reactions.
What frightened me most was that I didn’t feel able to tell him how deeply he’d hurt me because I was afraid of how he would react.

When we returned home, I tried to explain that we needed to slow down and take a step back. I wasn’t necessarily trying to end the relationship. I was trying to save it. But he became defensive and seemed to interpret my concerns as rejection. I never felt that he truly understood how much the conflicts had affected me.

Eventually, I ended the relationship.

Here’s where I’m struggling:
I know I wasn’t genuinely happy. I know I was becoming smaller, less spontaneous and increasingly anxious. I know I couldn’t have continued living like that. Yet I miss him terribly.

I miss his affection, his voice, his hugs, the physical intimacy, and the everyday routines we developed. I also miss the excitement of the beginning, when everything felt full of possibility.

Sometimes I experience intense regret and wonder whether I gave up too soon, even though whenever I seriously consider going back, I know I don’t want that relationship again. And I’m starting to wonder about my own role in this dynamic.

Was I also behaving codependently by abandoning my routines, trying so hard to keep him happy, monitoring his moods and avoiding conflict?

Did I become responsible for regulating his emotions because I was afraid of upsetting him?

Or is that something that can happen when you’re in a relationship with someone who struggles to tolerate your independence?

I’m also wondering whether other people have experienced a loss of sexual attraction when their partner becomes excessively dependent on them, despite initially finding them very attractive.

I’m not looking to diagnose my ex or portray him as a bad person. I believe he genuinely loved me, and there were many beautiful moments.

I’m just trying to understand how a relationship with so much affection could leave me feeling so anxious, and why I still grieve it even though I don’t want to go back.

I made a previous post about this relationship. Since then, I ended it.

A couple of days later, he contacted me and said that although he had initially felt there was no point in meeting because our positions were already clear, he had changed his mind. He said the relationship had been too meaningful to end without a proper conversation.

I agreed to meet him, even though I had already made my decision.

I regret going because I left the conversation emotionally exhausted and much more confused.

At first he seemed resigned. He said that if my mind was made up, he would eventually move on and meet someone else. Then the tone changed.

He started saying that the issues between us had been blown out of proportion, that they were things that “shouldn’t even have come up yet”, and that we should have just let the relationship develop naturally and dealt with those subjects later.

That bothered me because these issues did come up. They came up because he had very clear opinions about what was acceptable in a relationship and we had repeated conversations about them.

He then started saying things that directly contradicted conversations I remember very clearly.

For example, he claimed he had never said I couldn’t go away for 3–4 days with a female friend. I challenged him because we had discussed exactly that more than once, and I clearly remember him saying that holidays, mini-holidays and weekends away without him were not something he accepted.

Then his position shifted again: apparently I could go away with my female friend, but he still wouldn’t be comfortable with me spending a weekend away with two male friends of mine, despite the fact that they are gay and he knows there is no romantic element involved.

He also started saying that independence in a relationship is healthy and that we actually share the same idea of what a healthy relationship should look like.

That was difficult to hear because I remember conversations where he said essentially the opposite.

At one point, though, he said something that felt like genuine insight.

He said that maybe instead of “creating all those problems beforehand”, he should simply have let things happen and seen how he coped.

He was referring to the weekend I eventually spent away with friends. He said it had actually been a learning experience because he realised that being apart from me for a weekend wasn’t as bad as he expected.

That gave me pause.

But I couldn’t reconcile it with the rest of the conversation. If he admits that he “created all those problems beforehand”, how can he simultaneously insist that those problems basically never existed?

He also continues to describe himself as securely attached. When I suggested that some of his reactions seemed more consistent with insecurity and anxious attachment, he became defensive and said something along the lines of: “I’m secure, ask anyone.”

He then brought up the fact that I am in therapy and said that I have fears and insecurities, which is why I go.

That bothered me because I go to therapy precisely because I want to understand myself, recognise my own patterns and become healthier. What I was hoping to hear from him was some version of: “Maybe I am insecure too. Maybe some of this came from me. Maybe I need to work on it.”

I never really got that.

There was another comment that stayed with me.

I had previously said that although we were ending, maybe one day in the future life could bring us together again. He replied that he was not going to wait for me to “gain maturity”, “burn through all my cartridges” and eventually decide I was ready for a serious relationship.

That hurt because it completely misrepresents what I was asking for.

I am loyal, monogamous and genuinely wanted a serious relationship. Wanting an occasional weekend with friends does not mean I need to “get things out of my system” before I can commit.

I told him that he knew who I was when he met me. I have always travelled with friends, had an independent life and maintained close friendships. I felt like he met me as I was and then, once we were together, started asking for a different version of me.

He replied that relationships require adjustments and that people need to adapt to each other.

I agree. But I did adapt. I integrated him heavily into my life, spent most of my free time with him, stayed at his house constantly, planned trips together and made him a priority.

I just don’t think making someone a priority means making them the centre of your entire world.

The emotional part of the conversation made everything harder. He was visibly nervous and emotional. He held my hand and said he was doing it because it might be the last time. He tried to kiss me and be physically affectionate.

And that broke my heart.

But at the same time, I didn’t want the affection. I felt emotionally shut down because I no longer trusted what he was telling me.

That is probably the hardest part: I still care about him deeply, but I don’t trust his version of what happened anymore.

We agreed not to speak while I’m away for two weeks. I already know I do not want to go back to the same dynamic, but this conversation has left me emotionally exhausted and second-guessing myself.

I know there are red flags here. I’m not posting because I need strangers to tell me what I want to hear, and I’m not trying to excuse anything. I’m someone who doubts myself a lot when emotions are involved, and outside perspectives genuinely help me.

My previous post was actually very helpful. I read every comment and took people’s opinions seriously. It helped me stop minimising what was happening and played a real part in giving me the clarity to end the relationship.

So I would really appreciate some empathy in the replies.

Does this sound like genuine growth beginning, or like someone changing the narrative because the possibility of losing the relationship suddenly became real?

I’m 34F, my boyfriend is 48M, and we’ve been together for around three months. This is my first serious relationship. I’m very independent, value my friendships and alone time, but I do want a committed, monogamous relationship.

My boyfriend is much more “couple-oriented”. He is also genuinely caring, affectionate, consistent and emotionally available, which is why this is difficult.

The main issue is autonomy. Early on, he told me weekends away with friends without him were basically a hard no. The same applied to mini-holidays or holidays. I told him I would obviously spend my main holidays with him, but that I might occasionally want to go away with a female friend for 3–4 days. He still said that was a big no.

Last weekend I went away with a group of friends to another city. He knew exactly where I was and who I was with, and I actually stayed at my friend’s parents’ house. He still asked why my friend hadn’t invited him too if he knew we were a couple.

He has also asked things like why I need time alone with my friends, what I talk about with them that he cannot be present for, and whether I’m somehow different with them.

There have also been problems around my phone. One evening while we were both cooking, I briefly replied to a friend on WhatsApp and he became upset. The argument escalated badly. Early in the relationship, when he saw me on my phone, he also said his first thought was basically “how many of us are there?”, meaning how many other men I might be talking to.

Another example: I had a male professional contact around my age whom I would occasionally have dinner with because we worked together. I was completely transparent about it. My boyfriend was so uncomfortable that I eventually stopped those dinners.

What worries me most is what this has done to me. I started monitoring his moods, wondering if he was angry whenever he became quiet, putting my phone on Focus so he wouldn’t notice notifications, and once instinctively threw my phone aside when he came back into the room because I didn’t want another conflict. I wasn’t hiding anything. I had just become hypervigilant.

The most recent argument happened during that weekend away. He asked how it was going, and I said we had basically had dinner, watched a movie and gone to bed. He replied: “Not sure why you went there then! But regardless, enjoy yourself.”

I read it as passive-aggressive given the history around that weekend. He later insisted I had misunderstood him and that he simply meant he didn’t know what our plans were. Maybe that’s true, but because he had already questioned why my friend hadn’t invited him, it was very hard for me to hear it neutrally.

We almost broke up after that.

Since then, he has reconsidered his position. He now says he can accept occasional weekends or short trips with friends without him, and that his real concern would only be something excessive, like me constantly travelling without him. He says he is willing to make these compromises without resentment because he wants the relationship to work.

That sounds much more reasonable to me. My problem is that I don’t know whether this is a genuine change or something he is agreeing to because he nearly lost me.

We’ve also started reading about attachment styles. I’ve historically been anxious but think I’m much more secure now. I notice that when someone is very anxious and needs a lot of closeness, I start feeling avoidant because I feel crowded. My boyfriend currently sees himself as securely attached, which surprised me given how sensitive he seems to distance, exclusion, my phone, other men and time apart.

I love many things about him, and I know he loves me. But all of this has happened in only three months, and I already feel emotionally exhausted and hypervigilant.

Has anyone actually worked through a dynamic like this successfully? Can someone genuinely move from “I don’t accept you going away without me” to being comfortable with normal independence, or do these conflicts usually keep resurfacing? And if you became hypervigilant around your partner early on, were you ever able to feel relaxed around them again?

**TL;DR:** My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months and have very different views on independence. He initially said weekends/trips with friends without him were a hard no, and I’ve become hypervigilant around his reactions and my phone. He has now softened his position and says he can accept more independence, but I’m unsure whether this is genuine change or whether the same controlling/anxious dynamic will keep resurfacing.

Before I explain the situation, I just want to say I came out of a traumatic experience last year and I think this dynamic activated some unresolved wounds in me. I know Reddit can sometimes be harsh, so I’d genuinely appreciate some empathy/nuance in the replies 😅

I recently met a very charismatic older man through mutual circles. We talked intensely for about a week before meeting: daily calls, flirting, teasing, strong sexual tension, etc. There was definitely chemistry.
When we finally met, he planned a very elaborate date and the attraction was clearly mutual. But emotionally something started feeling off to me.

He barely asked questions about me as a person. He knew I was a lawyer but never asked what kind of law I practice, my interests, values, life, etc. The only thing he repeatedly asked was whether I lived alone.
At one point I asked what his impression of me was. He resisted answering and eventually just said I seemed “nice”. That strangely hurt me because I felt desired, but not truly seen.

Another thing that confused me: he escalated physically very quickly, but never actually tried to kiss me. I even told him he was “skipping steps”. I ended up not sleeping with him because, despite the chemistry, I suddenly didn’t feel emotionally safe.

After the date:
I texted saying I enjoyed the day and he replied flirtatiously. Later, after noticing him becoming more distant, I sent him: “At the end of the day, I guess the ice cube wasn’t really me after all.”
(He had repeatedly joked before that I was “cold”.)
He replied only: “Good morning ☀️”.
I didn’t respond after that.

Since then he still watches all my Instagram stories consistently, but never interacts. What I’m trying to understand is:

does this sound emotionally avoidant/unavailable?
or simply like someone who enjoys seduction/intensity but wasn’t actually that interested in me specifically?

I actually think I could have slept with him if I had felt even minimally emotionally seen or cared for. But instead I increasingly felt like I was experiencing a very polished seduction/show-off performance rather than a genuine emotional connection.