u/WhateverItTakesToday

So this was a wild experience. I’m 39M and came across the demisexual label a few years ago and that fit me pretty well throughout my adult life. I always needed connection and emotional attachment before I’d ever consider having sex with someone, and have been perfectly ok with it.

In the meanwhile, I recently discovered I was also bi. Through that process it appeared that the same demi process is needed for either gender but I did notice the idea of a relationship with a guy seemed more aligned with I want.

So I tried a bit of online dating and ended up connecting with a guy. He made it quite clear upfront that he found me attractive. That piqued my interest. No real connection was formed as this was just a few hours of texting back and forth.

He eventually sent me a semi-nude of himself. Holy hell, an all out war exploded in my head with that. A part of me expected and screamed for the other parts of me to be repulsed. Those parts weren’t, far from it. I was attracted, and not just a little. If he didn’t live over an hour away, I could easily see us fucking that night.

Never felt that way towards anyone, ever. Especially without any emotional connection. The entire experience was actually really unsettling and not exactly something I’d want to repeat.

What I found fascinating with this is it appears that if someone directly states their desire towards me in the way he did, it completely bypasses the entire requirement of connection. And actually be real desire.

I have no idea what this process is. This isn’t demisexuality. It also isn’t just visual attraction as it was the suggestive aspects of the image coupled with everything else that created this. It really came down to the idea that if I feel desired, then I can desire the other person.

Maybe it’s a midlife crisis, maybe I just finally figured out how I work. Either way, it’s been a wild ride!

I’m 39M and always knew I had a number of requirements before I’d ever feel comfortable having sex with someone. I needed a real strong emotional connection with someone before I’d consider anything physical even though I had desire. I semi seriously joked with friends that if the most attractive woman asked to have sex with me but I didn’t know her, I’d likely reply with a “eww no” response.

I didn’t realize what this was until about a year or two ago. I finally discovered what demisexuality is and recognized I fit it fairly well. It explained a lot of my own behavior. But I didn’t really want to acknowledge the other part of myself that was lurking at a subconscious level. Not yet, anyway.

It took till this past January for me to finally recognize I was also bi. Then all hell broke loose in my mind. Apparently I had no idea how to integrate this into my identity while also honoring being demi. The idea that I could see myself having sex with a man but be completely repulsed kissing him did not compute, especially as I absolutely needed physical progression before ever having sex with a woman.

Eventually, I realized quite a few things. I find women overall more aesthetically attractive, but I find I’m much more attracted to the experience with being with a man. Also interestingly, that aesthetic attraction creates much more pressure for me which triggers a much stronger connection requirement. I don’t need a fully developed romantic relationship with a guy to have sex.

But, I still need a connection, at least a friendship. With that there, I could feel comfortable with other things too, like kissing. However, the hookup culture surrounding bi and gay guys is slightly (ok much more than slightly) mind boggling for me. Reading others bi stories elsewhere has been rather revealing on what I don’t want. I’d love to date a guy but so far haven’t found many at all who are interested in an actual relationship. I tried a few dating apps but haven’t gotten anywhere. Anyone have any suggestions?

So this was a curios experience. I have a friend who has been very supportive of my bi discovery. One day she used the phrase “alternative lifestyle” to refer to same sex couples living together. Oddly, I never heard that phrase used before in that context. It felt weird to me to refer to the idea of me living with another man as alternative. This is probably just me still being really new to the more subtle realities of LBGTQ+ life, but what do you all feel about being labeled as such?

This is a totally silly question but it gave me pause when looking at a dating app. Having relatively recently discovered that I was bi, I changed my preferences on the one app I use to show both men and women. Seeing another guy with my same first name felt totally weird to me, hah! I think my brain would twitch out if I tried dating someone with the same name. Definitely would take time to get used to. 😆

So this is kind of a two part post. I’ve been experimenting with a few different toys, trying unsuccessfully for a prostrate orgasm and just to get a feel for anal play before actually attempting the real thing.

Anyway, I’ve generally enjoyed it and have had some amazing regular orgasms with something in me. Even just play with no orgasm has been quite enjoyable afterwards.

But, if I move the toy all that much, I end up bleeding. I thoroughly lube it and myself to no avail. No pain, just blood. Is this from not enough lube?