u/Whispering_Hands

Hello everyone,

This is my first time posting on here so I’m sorry if this becomes a little longwinded and rambly, I’ve just got so much to say and no real idea how to say it, so I guess I’ll just talk and see how it ends up.

So I’m a 43 year old guy from the north east of England, I’ve dealt with Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Acute Anxiety since before I even entered my teens, I was the product of an abusive relationship and my earliest memory is being passed out of a living room window followed by a drawer full of my clothing as my mother escaped my violent and abusive father. I’d heard a lot of stories about how he treated my mother and what he put her through so I’ve tried my utmost in life to be as different from him as I possibly could, to be a caring, generous and loving human being, I like to think I’ve succeeded with that on the whole. I never really wanted for anything growing up, for the first 8 years of my life it was mostly just me and my mother against the world, she made sure I had everything I could possibly want even if it meant going without things she needed - as I result I’ve never held any desire for money or things. It’s maybe a weird thing to say but I’ve always valued people more than possessions, maybe that’s one of the reasons I find myself in the situation I’m in nowadays.

My mind is a complex mess, I’m registered as legally blind due to an incurable genetic condition inherited from my maternal line, and as far as people go I’ve come to expect that all those people I learned to love and value fade away and leave, die, move, or just disappear completely from my life. My brother passed when I was 7 years old, my grandad when I was 14, my 2 best friends in 2011 and 2012, and most recently my confidante, my ‘someone to talk to’ passed away from cancer. I struggle to get close to anybody because of that hardwired fear that they’ll leave me, I even refuse to have pets basically because they’ll die and leave me alone too, I’d really love a pet…. but I just can’t face that heartbreak. 2 of my remaining friends moved away recently and I’m even affected by the fact that a neighbour who I’ve lived above for the past 18 years will be moving out soon, that in itself feels like a loss to me even though it really shouldn’t.

I do have family, but they have lives and worries of their own so I choose not to add to them with anything I have to say. I’ve been in 2 relationships which didn’t work out, one of which turned physically and mentally abusive, which was something I struggled to discuss with anyone due to the stigma attached to being a man abused by a woman, even now there are things that happened to me that in that relationship I don’t think I’ll ever feel comfortable discussing because quite frankly I’m too ashamed of them.

Which leads me to where I am today, I feel like I’ve got nobody. I feel unlovable and worthless, I have days where I wake up and within seconds wish I hadn’t, and I carry that through most days with few exceptions. I’ve got so much more to tell, but I’m here to hopefully talk to people, get to know them, and maybe somewhere down the line I’ll feel a little less lonely.

Again I’m sorry for the rambling incoherent mess, if you’ve read this then I’ve 2 words for you….. thank you. ❤️

Hello everyone,

This is my first time posting on here so I’m sorry if this becomes a little longwinded and rambly, I’ve just got so much to say and no real idea how to say it, so I guess I’ll just talk and see how it ends up.

So I’m a 43 year old guy from the north east of England, I’ve dealt with Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Acute Anxiety since before I even entered my teens, I was the product of an abusive relationship and my earliest memory is being passed out of a living room window followed by a drawer full of my clothing as my mother escaped my violent and abusive father. I’d heard a lot of stories about how he treated my mother and what he put her through so I’ve tried my utmost in life to be as different from him as I possibly could, to be a caring, generous and loving human being, I like to think I’ve succeeded with that on the whole. I never really wanted for anything growing up, for the first 8 years of my life it was mostly just me and my mother against the world, she made sure I had everything I could possibly want even if it meant going without things she needed - as I result I’ve never held any desire for money or things. It’s maybe a weird thing to say but I’ve always valued people more than possessions, maybe that’s one of the reasons I find myself in the situation I’m in nowadays.

My mind is a complex mess, I’m registered as legally blind due to an incurable genetic condition inherited from my maternal line, and as far as people go I’ve come to expect that all those people I learned to love and value fade away and leave, die, move, or just disappear completely from my life. My brother passed when I was 7 years old, my grandad when I was 14, my 2 best friends in 2011 and 2012, and most recently my confidante, my ‘someone to talk to’ passed away from cancer. I struggle to get close to anybody because of that hardwired fear that they’ll leave me, I even refuse to have pets basically because they’ll die and leave me alone too, I’d really love a pet…. but I just can’t face that heartbreak. 2 of my remaining friends moved away recently and I’m even affected by the fact that a neighbour who I’ve lived above for the past 18 years will be moving out soon, that in itself feels like a loss to me even though it really shouldn’t.

I do have family, but they have lives and worries of their own so I choose not to add to them with anything I have to say. I’ve been in 2 relationships which didn’t work out, one of which turned physically and mentally abusive, which was something I struggled to discuss with anyone due to the stigma attached to being a man abused by a woman, even now there are things that happened to me that in that relationship I don’t think I’ll ever feel comfortable discussing because quite frankly I’m too ashamed of them.

Which leads me to where I am today, I feel like I’ve got nobody. I feel unlovable and worthless, I have days where I wake up and within seconds wish I hadn’t, and I carry that through most days with few exceptions. I’ve got so much more to tell, but I’m here to hopefully talk to people, get to know them, and maybe somewhere down the line I’ll feel a little less lonely.

Again I’m sorry for the rambling incoherent mess, if you’ve read this then I’ve 2 words for you….. thank you. ❤️

Hello everyone,

This is my first time posting on here so I’m sorry if this becomes a little longwinded and rambly, I’ve just got so much to say and no real idea how to say it, so I guess I’ll just talk and see how it ends up.

So I’m a 43 year old guy from the north east of England, I’ve dealt with Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Acute Anxiety since before I even entered my teens, I was the product of an abusive relationship and my earliest memory is being passed out of a living room window followed by a drawer full of my clothing as my mother escaped my violent and abusive father. I’d heard a lot of stories about how he treated my mother and what he put her through so I’ve tried my utmost in life to be as different from him as I possibly could, to be a caring, generous and loving human being, I like to think I’ve succeeded with that on the whole. I never really wanted for anything growing up, for the first 8 years of my life it was mostly just me and my mother against the world, she made sure I had everything I could possibly want even if it meant going without things she needed - as I result I’ve never held any desire for money or things. It’s maybe a weird thing to say but I’ve always valued people more than possessions, maybe that’s one of the reasons I find myself in the situation I’m in nowadays.

My mind is a complex mess, I’m registered as legally blind due to an incurable genetic condition inherited from my maternal line, and as far as people go I’ve come to expect that all those people I learned to love and value fade away and leave, die, move, or just disappear completely from my life. My brother passed when I was 7 years old, my grandad when I was 14, my 2 best friends in 2011 and 2012, and most recently my confidante, my ‘someone to talk to’ passed away from cancer. I struggle to get close to anybody because of that hardwired fear that they’ll leave me, I even refuse to have pets basically because they’ll die and leave me alone too, I’d really love a pet…. but I just can’t face that heartbreak. 2 of my remaining friends moved away recently and I’m even affected by the fact that a neighbour who I’ve lived above for the past 18 years will be moving out soon, that in itself feels like a loss to me even though it really shouldn’t.

I do have family, but they have lives and worries of their own so I choose not to add to them with anything I have to say. I’ve been in 2 relationships which didn’t work out, one of which turned physically and mentally abusive, which was something I struggled to discuss with anyone due to the stigma attached to being a man abused by a woman, even now there are things that happened to me that in that relationship I don’t think I’ll ever feel comfortable discussing because quite frankly I’m too ashamed of them.

Which leads me to where I am today, I feel like I’ve got nobody. I feel unlovable and worthless, I have days where I wake up and within seconds wish I hadn’t, and I carry that through most days with few exceptions. I’ve got so much more to tell, but I’m here to hopefully talk to people, get to know them, and maybe somewhere down the line I’ll feel a little less lonely.

Again I’m sorry for the rambling incoherent mess, if you’ve read this then I’ve 2 words for you….. thank you. ❤️