u/Whole_Milk3837

I haven’t experienced a breakup yet. I get why someone would be upset if they get broken up with but are still in love with the person. But I don’t why someone would be upset when THEY break up with their partner when their needs are not anymore, when they don’t love the person anymore and they are not happy around them anymore. I don’t get how someone can break up with their partner for valid reasons and still be depressed about it.

Whenever I get with someone I always try to fix bad mental habits that ultimately lead to my partner’s unhappiness. I do this because I genuinely care and want to help and want my partner to be happy but this is what always happens: my partner feels like in a therapy session whenever they try to share something personal instead of getting the emotional comfort they need. I always provide solutions instead of comfort and I don’t know how to stop because simply validating my partner’s feelings feels useless and I KNOW the solution (or at least i feel like i know it).

I’m asking people who have been on the receiving end of someone trying to fix them: what do you actually need in moments of emotional distress and what can your partner actually do to help??

I(18F) just started a relationship with a long term friend of mine (18F). This is my first ever relationship so I have some concerns.

I don’t know if I’m having a normal amount of sexual thoughts about her. I enjoy our conversations but I constantly want to kiss her and have sex with her. There have been nights when we go to sleep after having sex and I still can’t get enough so I kiss her and we end up making out until sunrise even though she has told me she has stuff to do in the morning and needs to sleep. I just can’t help myself and most of the time she doesn’t reject me in the moment. I honestly try to just sleep but I still feel horny and when we cuddle and she is close to me I get even hornier. Sometimes she does tell me to stop touching her because she wants to sleep and I always stop but it feels like I have to be physically tied up to resist the urge. I don’t know what to do because I think it’s nice that I’m attracted to her but also I don’t want to piss her off with my horniness.

Also I feel like it’s not a mismatch between our libidos because she also wants to have sex a lot but she seems to be more in control when she has stuff to get done while I’m ready to not get any sleep and then worry about the consequences in the morning.

I just noticed while in a restaurant. What was weird was that in a cup full of cold water the ice melted faster than in an empty cup (and the weather was warm: summer night in Croatia). I wonder why it happens. I know very little physics btw (probably obvious from the question lol).

For context we have been friends for a long time and we both had crushes on each other when we first met but never got together because I wasn’t ready emotionally. Shortly after, she got a boyfriend and they seemed like the perfect couple for a solid 3 years or even more.

Then she kissed me on a random hangout and it was amazing but when I asked her about her relationship she said what we are doing will not affect it. We saw each other again 2 weeks later and after we drunk a bit, she kissed me again and we made out heavily and did hand stuff. That night things got vulnerable and she shared she was not happy with him but felt a lot of external societal pressure to remain in the relationship. Turns out he didnt respect a lot of boundaries of hers that seemed silly at first but kept bugging her, and he was also not satisfying her in bed. She compared me to him which I didn’t really like (she said i was better) but she also said she imagined me when he went down on her and that turned me on. We made out and touched each other’s bodies quite literally until the sun came up.

Also, it’s important to mention that she is in a sports team with her ex so she kept seeing him regularly.

I somewhat became an emotional anchor for her after we got close physically. She told me she was sure he wasn’t the right person for her and she wanted to eventually break up. The following week she complained constantly about him and couldnt wait to break up. When she finally did it, however, she was way more distraught than she thought she would be. She cried constantly, questioned her decision and said that maybe she should have ignored her “silly boundaries” so they would be together. I reassured her as objectively as possible that it’s not the end of the world and they can get back together if she changes her mind because even after the breakup her ex was convinced she still loved him (so he would take her back any day). I also told her that she probably just misses someone who was a big part of her life for a long time and that doesn’t mean they were truly compatible.
Generally, she was constantly talking to me about how the situation was “complicated” and whatever she does, she will hurt someone she loves (either her ex or me).

Next time we saw each other was at her place. We had planned this before they broke up so I asked if the invite still stands after the breakup and she said yes. I went to her place and we cooked together, played music and so on. We got to making out pretty soon (this time fully sober). We ended up having sex and she came three times so I know it was enjoyable for her. I refused to receive that night because I was nervous and it was my first time. We cuddled while sleeping and it was very nice overall. I left very happy.

Next thing you know, she is with her team again on holiday and her boyfriend is talking about getting back tigether so she tells me she is “confused” again. I wasnt very warm when she told me this and I told her to just do what she thinks is best. She got the memo and concluded she just needs time. We flirt daily over text because we are on seperate holidays right now and she hasn’t mentioned her ex since.

Recently she asked me to hang out when we get back from our trips so we can “discuss some things”. Today I asked her what she has in mind and she said its “just somethings regarding out situation and her ex and stuff” which she said she would rather discuss in person rather than over text. That honestly made my heart drop. I know she is on a trip with her ex right now because that was how it was planned before they broke up and I suspect spending time with him might have prompted her wanting to talk to me about him. He is a very pushy person.

I thought she was getting over him and I was willing to not push for a label for us because I know it might be too quick for her right now, but it concerns me that he is still part of the conversation. I thought the conversation would be about her emotional state right now and how it might affect her presence in our relationship and not about whether she will choose me or him. I am honestly angry at this point and don’t know how much tolerance I will have for her situation if I learn she chose to keep pursuing me even when I offered space and even slept with me and “took my virginity”, just to go back to her ex. I would expect it of a stranger who just wanted to use me for emotional support while they struggle with their “main” relationship but this girl is a long term good friend of mine and I don’t want to believe she would treat me like this.

TL; DR : a long term friend is getting intimate with me but she just broke up with her ex boyfriend and is having conflicting feelings about who to choose while still pursuing me. I got too attached emotionally and can no longer be just a side thing. I need her to be with me.

REAL QUESTION: There are 2 weeks left before i see her and we discuss things. I am nervous because I don’t want what we have to end. On one hand, she flirts with me daily, continues wanting to see me so she might just want to choose a label for our relationship and talk about boundaries regarding her ex. On the other hand, she might genuinely not be over him and want to tell me she want to get back with him or something and establish biundaries with me. How do I mentally prepare for the worst possible scenario????