u/Wide_East741

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for about a year, and I’m looking for advice on understanding why I’m reacting so strongly to a situation between us.

A while ago, my girlfriend [22F] and I [24M] discussed having a threesome. During those conversations, we also talked about me being able to talk to other women. At the time, she agreed and seemed comfortable with it.

However, once I actually started talking to other women, she told me she wasn’t comfortable with it anymore and wanted to change that boundary. She’s still open to the idea of a threesome, but only if any communication with other women happens with both of us involved rather than me talking to them independently.

What makes this difficult for me is that I was genuinely looking forward to having more freedom in that area while still being in a committed relationship. I also admitted to her that part of the reason I enjoy talking to other women is because I struggle with insecurity and like the validation and attention. Her response was that I should work on those insecurities myself rather than relying on attention from other women, which frustrated me because talking to other women is something I genuinely wanted.

The biggest issue is how strongly I’ve reacted. I feel angry because it seems like we both agreed to something and then the agreement changed after the fact. At the same time, I know my behavior hasn’t been healthy. I’ve become resentful, threatened to leave the relationship, and even said things like maybe I don’t love her anymore. Sometimes she changes her position after these conversations, but it feels more like she’s giving in than genuinely being comfortable with it, which doesn’t make me feel good either.

I’m trying to understand where this anger is really coming from. Is it because I feel rejected? Is it because I feel like the rules changed after we had already agreed on them? Or am I struggling to accept that someone can change their boundaries even if they originally agreed to something?

Has anyone experienced a similar situation? How did you deal with the resentment and disappointment when a partner became uncomfortable with an arrangement that had previously been agreed upon? And how can I handle these feelings in a healthier way without damaging the relationship?

TL;DR: My girlfriend and I agreed that I could talk to other women, but after I started doing it she changed her mind and is no longer comfortable with it. I feel angry and sexually frustrated because it feels like the agreement changed, and I’m trying to understand why I’m reacting so strongly and how to handle it better.

My girlfriend and I originally had a discussion where we agreed that I could talk to other girls without her involvement, and potentially explore having a threesome in the future. At the time she agreed to both. After I actually started talking to other girls, though, she became uncomfortable and said she wanted to stop. She has since said she doesn’t want either arrangement anymore.

The problem is that I keep feeling intensely angry whenever it comes up, even though it’s been about a month. What makes this especially confusing is that I really do still love her. I care about her deeply and I don’t want to lose the relationship we have. At the same time, I genuinely enjoy the excitement and novelty of talking to other women. There’s a thrill to it that I find hard to ignore, and I think part of my frustration comes from feeling like I got a taste of something I wanted and then had to give it up.

Part of what bothers me is that I know she often agreed because she was afraid of losing me. Looking back, there were times when I pushed the issue and implied that I might leave or love her less if we weren’t on the same page. I realize that’s not the same as her genuinely wanting it. What confuses me is that I can’t stop replaying those conversations in my head. I’m not even sure whether I’m angry because she changed her mind after we had an agreement, because I feel like the agreement wasn’t genuine in the first place, because I resent having to pressure her to get agreement, because I miss the excitement of talking to other women, or because she still doesn’t actually want these things. Has anyone experienced something similar or have insight into why I might still be so angry about this?

TL DR

My girlfriend initially agreed that I could talk to other girls and that we might have a threesome in the future, but after I started talking to other girls she became uncomfortable and withdrew her consent. I still love her and want to be with her, but I also miss the thrill and excitement I felt from talking to other women. I know some of her agreement came from fear of losing me because I sometimes pressured the issue. A month later I’m still angry and constantly replaying it in my head, and I’m trying to figure out what I’m actually angry about.