u/WildSpiritedRose

I recently lost my job and it has been compounding the loneliness and grief that I already live with from being married to a husband who's not really capable of being a husband anymore due to being cognitively disabled from a severe traumatic brain injury.

I am incredibly lonely and hurting right now and I just need to be held. I need to hear a strong, comforting voice that says, "I got you." and, "It's going to get better again." accompanied by a kiss on the forehead.

But I don't get to have that. I have to constantly be in charge, hold everything together, keep it all going, figure everything out while continuing to put my needs on hold indefinitely - I don't get to put any of it down and I don't get to even have moral support. Instead, I get to cry myself to sleep and think of reasons to not permanently go away.

I'm married without any of the privileges, advantages and joys of being coupled with someone, but still have to act like I'm in a normal, happy marriage, when I really need a partner right now.

I had someone for awhile that I could talk to who got it, who I deeply cared about, but they felt it best to no longer be in each other's lives.

I feel like my life is falling apart and there's nothing to break the fall anymore.

That since we didn't get to go home with our baby, we shouldn't have to pay the hospital bill? (For those of us who don't live where there's universal health care)

I do understand that yes, "services" were rendered. It just feels like insult to injury in this case. This is something that I've always believed.

To all the women who are grieving not being able to be a mother this weekend, to those of us who were so close, but didn't get to keep them, to those of us who have children that can't be seen, I hear you and I see you. We are the silent mothers.

Twenty years later and I thought that with time, it would get easier by now, but it never does; I just try to find ways to be numb to it.

(2 in Heaven, 0 on Earth)

Bc my husband sundowns (early onset dementia in his 40s w/a severe TBI) and I know that I'm going to end up crying myself to sleep. I'm so tired of hurting all of the time. I can't do this anymore 😪

I'm sitting here at dinner with my cognitively disabled husband (severe TBI). He can hold simple conversations, but has a lot of disconnects in his logic. I see other couples, leaning towards each other from across the table, beaming smiles, laughing and genuinely enjoying each other's company and the night. Some may be going to catch a movie after this or get together with friends for drinks at their favorite haunt. Some may even be anticipating sex later tonight. Others even exchanging brief kisses as one gets up to presumably go to the restroom...

There's never any of this anymore between us. I'll pay for dinner and drive us home in the same silence we arrived in. It's been 5yrs and 2 days since his accident. The man who left the house for work that morning is not the one who came back 10 weeks later.

My husband cannot plan a date night to save his life or even remember to at the very least buy a birthday card for me. There are no stolen kisses, innuendos, hand holding... sex. He needs me to make sure that he takes his medication, advocate for him with medical providers, keep food in the house, make sure that the bills get paid and drive him to wherever he needs to go. The future that we had planned that I made sacrifices for and worked hard for, the family that I wanted... none of that exists now. No vacations or romantic getaways to look forward to. No friends or family who will visit - everyone's busy and no one really answers my texts anymore.

We'll go home, I'll pet our cats, he'll monopolize the TV and I will go upstairs to mindlessly scroll Reddit, YouTube, maybe even get sucked down a Google rabbit hole, just to keep from crying, bc I'm so fucking lonely that it hurts.