I started this journey in late May, traveled across and around the entire country and here I am, finally in Denver! I left my old life in NJ to start anew, fresh start, new (sober) me. Modeling gigs are set to start in a week or so, now that the fun road trip is over the real work begins! Anxious, excited, optimistic, nervous, I’m feeling all of it, let’s go!
As the title suggests I need help getting over a close friendship that ended extremely abruptly. I won’t get into the whole story here because it would be way to long but the short and simple version is that I had a best friend that I talked to/ hung out with every day that ended in one text message thread. It crushed me then, and throughout the 4+ years I go through waves of living my life successfully then BAM I get reminded of it and it hurts so fucking bad. I reached out once earlier this year and didn’t get a response, I’m NOT going to bug her, I’m NOT going to keep texting or anything like that. I will respect those boundaries.
Closure will never happen, I accepted that, or at least I thought I did. It just feels like I’m walking through mud with the thoughts of someone hating me that badly or that I unintentionally said/did something that lead to this. Obviously my actions hurt her and contributed to it, I don’t know what those actions were or what boundaries i broke. The texts were so vague that it’s easy to fall in the trap of filling in the blanks myself which can be dangerous.I try to not live in the past but this one followed me for years and pops up in my head at least a couple times a year.
I wish I could have one more conversation. My brain can’t let it go and I desperately want it to.
**TL;DR;** : How the relationship started, what brought us together, the lead up to the end, the resolution, the start of a new beginning.
Where do I even start? Well I guess I’ll just tell my long story short. I met this lady in 2022 just after I stopped talking to my best friend and our plan to move together ended. It started as a doom scroll tinder hook up (for the both of us).
We met up in person and we hit it off immediately, a night I remember every detail of to this day. She is an amazing human, talented, unbelievably creative and driven, funny as hell, goofy, pretty, and very responsible.
It may of been the last point that drew me to her the most. Responsibility. I was, and in parts still am, reckless as hell, absent minded with money, and very “live in the moment” which is fun but not sustainable in my experience.
Our differences actually made the connection stronger. She taught me invaluable life skills and I helped her get out of her shell more. My social skills helped her and her grounded approach to life helped me.
Fast forward a couple of years and a few things happened. We moved in together, my addiction issues with alcohol got worse, our plan to move out of North Jersey kept failing, and what was once our linch pin became our weakness.
Our differences started to create fractures. I can’t sit still well and she can’t get over social anxeity. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not asking her to completely change herself and she isn’t asking me to do the same. That’s the problem, we just realized that we hit our ceiling. Our fundamental differences won’t budge, and that this struggle won’t stop. It was so hard for both of us.
One day I decided to get help for my alcoholism. She could not have been more supportive, yet still the writing was on all the wall. I needed to be somewhere that I felt comfortable in, somewhere closer to home, somewhere back west. My girlfriend is an east coaster to the core and won’t move too far from her family which I understand and respect. So we agreed that when our lease came up she would resign and stay in North Jersey and I would not sign it and move back closer to home.
No “FUCK YOU!” Arguments, no cheating, no stealing or vandalism, nothing like that at all. Just two adults who love each other who are letting the other go.
These last two months have been so busy for me, as planning a cross country move tends to be, and I’m extremely dedicated to my sobriety so that has helped keeping myself distracted. Now that everything is done and I’m laying in bed reflecting…this really sucks. Bad.
I’m gonna miss everything we built, I’m gonna miss hanging out, I’m going to miss cooking dinners, talking about art, watching Pro Wrestling, I’m going to miss coffee in the morning, I going to miss going to bed and waking up next to her. It’s not like I haven’t been feeling these things in the lead up to today, but it’s hitting especially hard.
Thank you for this community, and allowing me to share my story.
The proudest moment of my nerd/gaming life. A completed Pokédex on Pokémon Silver.
Shoutout to my powerful friend Leelor, for the access to these fantastic games; Red, Gold, and Silver version.
Had to beat Red twice, Gold once and of course Silver once (as well as start up Red and Gold an additional time to get the last starter).
Getting Suicune as the last one was incredibly annoying and took way too long but made the victory oh the more satisfying.
Also gave him the name Goku in honor of my old friend Camel.
And on that note, I think I’m gonna play Gold version again.