u/Wine_is_gross

To keep it brief, husband and I both struggle with mental health. Lately his has gotten worse, and manifests with grumpiness and a short fuse. I do my best to help support him, though he is very resistant to venting to me, so I am limited. We are both in counseling (separate AND couples).

But I’m just so tired. The other night, our 8 year old was being needy at bedtime, as she’s apt to be. It was his night. His response to her as he was leaving the room and she was being needy was “oh fuck off.”

She heard this, and naturally, it upset her. It upset ME. I text him from the other room wondering what in the hell made him think that was ok, and my texts escalated to me telling him that the only time he is really nice to me lately is when he wants sex (because that’s how it feels).

He of course felt bad and apologized to our daughter. But didn’t apologize to me. In fact, he continued to be distant the rest of the week until I find out he’s angry with ME and I hurt HIS feelings for implying that he’s a “user.”

This is our typical pattern. Anytime I express how he may be making me feel in a negative way, he becomes angry with me for having those feelings, or offending him somehow. I never get to be the one who was hurt. It always ends up being my fault, and I get zero compassion from him. The therapist is way too neutral on this for me, though she’s quite good with the other stuff. It’s been 11 years of this though (marriage). I just feel like I’ve reached a breaking point. He basically verbally abuses our daughter, then makes ME feel bad for having strong feelings that I’d been holding in. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I was so jealous the other day hearing my friend talk about how she got into a drunken argument with her husband and spilled all these things she’s resentful over/that upset her. She said he wrote her a 7 page letter the next day telling her how sorry he was and how he had no idea, and thanking her for sticking by him thru his previous opioid addiction. I would DIE for my husband to have that kind of compassion towards me. If I confessed things that make me mad while drunk, it would just become a nasty, loud fight without a resolution. I want compassion. I’m tired of trying. I feel like I’m married to a toddler. Sometimes this “til death do us part” shit feels overrated as hell.

When really what doctors should be looking at is psychological changes occurring in response to estrogen (or other hormonal) fluctuations.

To be fair, the symptoms very much mimic each other. However, if my knowledge is correct, one is the result of imbalances of brain neurotransmitters resulting in mood fluctuations, whereas the other (PMDD) is a situation of hormones having a direct impact on those neurotransmitters. I was initially diagnosed as bipolar II (and I know many others as well). And while I have nothing against that, as the years have gone on, I have tracked my moods, feelings, and overall functioning for YEARS now, and noticed how much estrogen levels seem to impact so much about me. It explains why mood stabilizers never worked well for me. Why anti-depressants only work well for me intermittently, then sometimes it’s as though I’m not taking them at all. PMDD has always made so much more sense.

Anyway, not sure what the point is of my post. I guess to just spark some general speculation and conversation. With women’s mental and physical health being so understudied until recently, it really is both interesting and frustrating to think how many female diagnoses could potentially be attributed to hormonal fluctuations, as opposed to strictly neurobiology. Makes you wonder how much treatments and medications could potentially be improved for mental health conditions experienced by women, if more direct correlation and impact of hormonal fluctuations could be established. So much potential for female hormone research and their impact on neurocognitive functioning.

Get headaches that feel more like debilitatingly uncomfortable “pressure” rather than typical “headaches?” For example, when my chiari (which thankfully has been determined to be mild) flares up, I get this intensity that starts at the base of my skull, and almost feels like my head wants nothing more than to push forward, away from the top of my neck. When I get this “heavy head” feeling, I also have awful physical symptoms. Like an internal shaking, my whole body just feels utterly fatigued, but if I try to sleep, I cannot. It’s just the worst. Before chiari, a neuro had said it was likely me experiencing some type of migraine, but that never seemed right because none of the symptoms, down to the way my head feels (almost like it’s in a vice, though I know they are not tension headaches) match true migraine. Also of note, when I get these symptoms, absolutely no medication (that I have ever tried anyway) touches it. No pain meds, no triptans, nothing works. They are usually triggered by a session of heavier than usual weight lifting, or from a deep sleep of some sort (like if I drank alcohol or smoked weed night prior, which I no longer do either).

Just wondering if anyone else has had these types of symptoms, or can relate at all? I know many of us experience this differently. Thanks!