u/WingEnvironmental892

Just read another thread about people avoiding heat during runs and honestly I’m on the complete opposite side of this. The hotter the better in my opinion. Less crowds, less people clogging up running paths, and it feels mentally tougher and more rewarding.

I live in one of the hottest areas in the country mind you, and I see so many people waiting for perfect weather, cooler temps, ideal humidity, etc. Meanwhile some of my favorite runs are in direct sun when most people don’t even want to be outside.

Obviously hydration matters, but I almost feel like modern runners are overly soft about heat exposure. Anyone else actually prefer running in the heat instead of constantly trying to avoid it? Who’s gonna carry the boats?

I’m asking this genuinely because I’m trying to self reflect after my relationship recently ended.

I was with my girlfriend for just under a year. Early in the relationship I told her I was uncomfortable with close opposite sex friendships involving previous emotional or physical intimacy. I know a lot of people disagree with that boundary, but I was upfront about it from the beginning and she agreed with a lot of it at the time.

At the same time, I also know I was not perfect. I struggled with things like bars, nightlife, concerts, and certain social situations because I’m naturally introverted and tend to associate those environments more with single life and attention seeking than committed relationships. Over time she expressed that she wanted a partner who was more social and outgoing, and honestly I really did try to work on that. I started attending more events with her and pushing myself outside my comfort zone because I cared about her and wanted her to feel fulfilled in the relationship.

The biggest issue in our relationship became one specific male friend of hers. At first he was presented more like a casual neighbor or acquaintance. Later I discovered they had years of very deep emotional conversations about life, religion, emotions, personal struggles, etc. I also saw him asking her to coffee “just as friends.”

We briefly broke up over it early on because I felt the depth of the relationship had been minimized to me. We later got back together, but the issue never fully went away.

For months she continued insisting he was “nothing” and “just a friend,” but recently she finally admitted that before we dated, he used to come over and cuddle with her. What hit me hardest was that I had specifically asked her multiple times over the relationship whether there had ever been anything physical between them and she always said no.

To be fair, I do not have evidence she cheated on me during the relationship. I genuinely believe she was loyal. But emotionally it really affected me because this was already the biggest point of tension between us and then I found out there was more history there than I had been told.

The relationship finally blew up after another argument about it. She became overwhelmed emotionally, told me she no longer felt emotionally safe with me, and ended the relationship.

I’m honestly trying to understand this fairly. I know I became suspicious, rigid, and emotionally reactive at times. I know my discomfort around nightlife and opposite sex friendships probably made her feel judged or controlled sometimes. At the same time, I also feel like she minimized and withheld important context about the one friendship that was causing the most issues between us.

Any feedback thoughts are greatly appreciated. Any honest statements about where I went wrong or how things could’ve improved is also greatly appreciated

I deleted my earlier thread because honestly I thought maybe I was spiraling or overreacting, but after today I definitely have some major updates.

I know Reddit tends to lean heavily toward the modern relationship philosophy that men and women can be close friends and your partner just has to trust you. I am more traditional and old school with this stuff and I know people are going to call me insecure and controlling. Fine. But I genuinely think modern dating culture normalizes blurred boundaries that create relationship problems.

Very early in the relationship, before I was willing to fully commit, I explained to my girlfriend that I do not really believe in the whole guy friend and orbiter thing. I especially do not believe in maintaining close emotional friendships with people where there was previous attraction, romantic tension, intimacy, or unresolved feelings. She knew that from the very beginning.

A few months into the relationship she occasionally mentioned an old male neighbor. She always minimized him and acted like he was just some harmless platonic friend. Then one day I happened to see a text pop up on her phone that said, “Did you talk to him yet?” I asked who it was and it turned out to be this same guy she had barely mentioned before. I found out she had been talking to him about our relationship issues and how she felt I was not giving enough in the relationship.

I know Reddit will hate this part, but I looked through her phone after confronting her and she agreed. I only scrolled for maybe a couple minutes but even in that short amount of time I saw thousands of messages over years. I saw them talking deeply about life, religion, emotions, God, personal struggles, all kinds of intimate emotional conversations. I also saw him asking her out for coffee “just as friends.”

At that point we briefly broke up because I felt like she had heavily minimized the depth of that relationship.

We later got back together and tried to work things out. She continued insisting he was “nothing” and “just a friend,” but it always remained a sore spot in our relationship and caused multiple arguments.

Recently she brought up that this same guy was inviting a group of people to a baseball game. That reopened the conversation and I directly asked whether there had ever been anything romantic between them because my gut feeling was screaming there had to be more history than she admitted.

She responded by saying something along the lines of she could not tell me because I would “flip it against her.” That immediately made me feel like there absolutely was more to the story.

Update

Today she came over to my house to talk things through. First she denied everything with the guy. Eventually she admitted that before we dated, this guy used to come over her house and they would cuddle.

That honestly made my stomach drop because for almost a year I was repeatedly told this was basically just a platonic friendship, nothing ever happened between them. I always felt like there was more to it.

I asked if it was only cuddling and she said yes, but honestly I could tell from her face there was probably more she still did not want to say. Maybe I am wrong, but that was genuinely my impression.

I know people are going to say I am insecure and controlling. But I feel like there is a huge difference between a purely platonic friendship and maintaining a close emotional friendship with someone you previously had physical or romantic intimacy with while minimizing that history to your partner for almost a year.

People here always told me I was jealous and overreacting, but today I learned my instincts were not completely wrong. The guy was not just some random platonic friend. There was emotional and physical intimacy there before me.

Am I overreacting for feeling betrayed and misled by this?

Update 2

Last night was honestly one of the most emotionally confusing nights I’ve had in a relationship and I’m trying to process it objectively.

I went over to her house after the gym because we had been in the middle of talking about this ongoing issue regarding one of her male “friends” that I recently learned she used to have physical and emotional intimacy with before we dated. She agreed to talk when I got there. She had already had a few beers and at first the conversation was relatively calm and emotional.

I told her that I understand now that maybe part of the reason she never fully disclosed the truth about this guy earlier was because she knew how strongly I felt about opposite sex friendships and orbiters from the very beginning of the relationship. I told her maybe she was afraid to fully tell me because she knew I would react badly. She agreed and basically said it is hard to tell me things sometimes because she feels like I twist things against her.

After that, the night became emotionally intimate again for a while. We laid down together, cuddled, hugged, kissed a bit, and watched TV together. The emotional connection between us clearly still existed, but underneath all of it I still felt deeply unsettled.

At one point I told her that what hurt me most was feeling like I had been lied to or at least not told the full truth for almost a year. She maintained that the physical intimacy with this guy happened years ago before we dated and that now the relationship is completely platonic.

I explained to her that to me it fundamentally changes the meaning of the friendship because this was not just some random male neighbor or casual friend. This was somebody she had emotional intimacy with, spent years talking deeply with, and now I find out there was physical intimacy too. I told her that once you cross into that territory, to me it no longer falls into the same category as a harmless platonic friendship.

I asked her directly whether this was somebody she would be willing to let go of for the sake of the relationship considering how much damage and conflict it has caused between us. She said no. She also mentioned that he is having a group outing in a couple weeks and wanted me to come with her so I could see he is “not a threat.” I told her honestly that I was not okay with that and I do not believe this is somebody who should still have a place around our relationship after everything that has happened.

Before things escalated badly, I even asked her whether she still saw this as something we were trying to work through together and she said yes. So at that point she was not saying the relationship was over or that she never wanted to see me again.

But after continuing the conversation in circles into the night, I with intention stated emotionally grounded. On her end, the emotional tension exploded. She became extremely overwhelmed emotionally, started crying hard, yelling loudly, threw a chair, and slammed a beer bottle into the garbage can very aggressively. She repeatedly yelled at me to leave. I was honestly embarrassed to walk out the front door because she lives in a small condo community and I felt like the neighbors probably thought something much worse was happening than just a relationship argument, so I left through the back door instead.

As I was leaving through the back, I tried one last time to calm things down and basically said I wish we could just relax and stop escalating like this. At that point she physically pushed me out the back door and locked it behind me.

After I left, I texted her saying “You lied to me,” and then blocked her because emotionally I could not handle continuing the conversation anymore that night.

The whole thing feels surreal because this does not feel like a clean breakup where two people stopped caring about each other. It feels like two people who are still emotionally attached but hit a massive incompatibility and trust wall regarding boundaries, opposite sex friendships, and transparency.