u/Wise_Score_6471

And as soon as he's gone, you turn your shoulder and he's there in disguise saying "boy, isn't this so much nicer without him around?"

I'll open with an anecdote which may not seem particularly relevant, but I consider it so as it led me toward a response to the above question by the end of my recounting.

There was this great moment on Saturday night. I was out seeing a friend's band and found myself feeling dissatisfied with the present moment. I felt like I didn't have all that I deserved based on the amount of work on myself I've been putting in these last few months. I found myself wanting more out of my surroundings. I wanted to be funnier, more likeable; magnetic. There was this sensation in the mind that what I was doing wasn't enough, and as a result I didn't have enough of what I wanted, and as a result I was not enjoying the present moment. Rationally speaking I wanted to set aside these negative emotions so that I could make the most out of what I had. I wanted to be fully present and enjoy a state of pure being without mind identification, but my current mind state felt too pervasive. Being of strong mind isn't necessarily a good thing, I'm finding. It simply behaves as a pugnacious opponent for my true self, precluding experience from being experienced as what it is-- a cloud of sensation floating above this pair of shoulders.

It was particularly frustrating because, if you read a previous post of mine, I specifically identify how it is irrational to allow feelings of dissatisfaction to obscure the joy of what's immediately available in pure awareness. I believed I had "thought" my way out of the problem (which is one of involuntary rumination.) But in the instance of Saturday night, I found myself unable to step out of this dismal mind state.

Then, I turned my mind onto acceptance. I accepted these negative emotions as part of my present experience, and there really was no way to extricate them from the sound of the drums and guitar, or the lights, or the swaying of the crowd. They were all part of the same experience-- there was no order or layering to them-- the negative feelings were not in the forefront, obfuscating an experience I would have preferred to enjoy in isolation. I realized that I could "enjoy" (or perhaps "appreciate," rather) the richness of my experience-- appreciate that, as an emotional guy, knowing this particular mind can be profound at times. I let go of this conditioned expectation that stepping back into pure awareness would induce bliss. I accepted my mood in that moment. As a result, I felt a release of struggle. It wasn't so much that bliss entered into my experience, but that a significant amount of suffering left it.

I'm identifying a pattern emerging over the past several years--

1. I awaken from mind identification. I navigate the world with mindful attachments, not allowing them to grow so intense as to cause suffering. Not expecting or feeling entitled to anything out of life.

2. The illusion of separation re-establishes itself: "I'm awakened. This is so much better than yesterday, when I wasn't awakened... I'm awakened, but this person next to me isn't. That guy over in seat 27A-- he's for suuurrree not awakened. He's probably going to take out his suffering on the flight attendant. He's so caught up in the illusion of mind identification. He'll probably never get awakened."

3. I start viewing my awakened state as a utility, attempting to apply it to the pursuit of personal fulfillment.

4. I don't achieve the results I expected and consequently become bitter.

5. I go through life being bitter; life feels heavy until, eventually, I get fed up with feeling this way turn back to step 1.

It seems this cycle can be viewed like the emergence of an anthill until it is washed away by rain. It then reemerges.

And so, to arrive at an answer to the question posed by the title-- Acceptance is the mind recognizing that it's activity is not helpful in this moment, and so the mind willingly steps aside.

Whatever it is you feel you deserve that you do not have, it will not bring you the happiness that is freely available to you when you expect nothing from life.

Expect nothing and you will become aware that your true nature is one of emptiness-- the gateless gate.

I have pretty solid conjecture, but let me explain more.

Once, during a shroom trip, I am very certain that I achieved a temporary state of buddha-hood. I felt, for a couple hours, that I had completed the "game of life" and all the life I had ahead of me would be spent in a sort of "free play." I recall almost hearing this Jackpot-like sound effect going on and on. I knew I could go along, engaging with life without the burden of staking life and death on every endeavor. I would live life purely for the fun of it and not in order to gain some sort of universal goodie which would give me access to something I had all along-- something I was perfectly aware of for those two hours.

I would also explain this sensation like I instantly became aware that all my life was a play and I had forgotten I was an actor until then. I suddenly realized that I was so caught up in the drama of my given circumstances that I forgot they were given. I thought “wait, I’m not actually upset about these things. This is just pretend.” And I got up and I “walked off stage” and surfed the crowd. I passed an older gentleman on the street and felt like we were both in on the same gag. I made knowing eye contact with him, which he returned as if I were an audience member, simply there for a good time, and I didn’t need to prove anything to him.

That mode of awareness, of course, departed once the mind-altering substance wore off. It did seem to me like a gift from the universe. I was given a glimpse of the "home I never left," (as Douglas Harding puts it) and it was my task to attain this awareness endogenously. No, rather, I was aware that the "goodie" I had been chasing my whole life prior (which I've since resumed chasing) is not real. It does not grant me access to something that is otherwise inaccessible to me. The fallacy I live under is that the feeling of happiness I experienced for those two hours may only be bestowed upon me by an outside force (psilocybin, in this case). And so, that shroom trip did not bestow me with bliss-- it made me aware that said bliss is always there. I'm always experiencing it. The problem of my life arises when I forget that I am experiencing it, and I instead chase after it, thereby obscuring it behind attachments and future thinking.

I can point to another fleeting moment where I embodied this mode of awareness. I was at a Portugal, the Man concert. I wasn't really enjoying the concert due to an undercurrent of anxiety and dissatisfaction. Then, somehow, I noticed my field of vision for its capacity, rather than its content. I noticed what I was seeing was not a stage, a crowd, a band, lights, etc. What I saw was rather emptiness filled with content. Emptiness is the foremost attribute of my field of vision. What's more (and this is where I felt a momentary, somatic relief from anxiety), I noticed how I didn't need to do anything in order to hold up this field of vision. I noticed how it sat there in front of me, perfectly supported. It simply floats there. I noticed how, for my whole life otherwise, I was sort of "holding up" that field before me by flexing the fascia in my head, neck, and shoulders. I became aware of a tacit fear I lived my whole life with: If I did not "hold up" my field of vision in front of me, then everything would fall into an abyss and never return… I would cease to have consciousness.

The relief I referred to above lasted for maybe 2 seconds. Then, somehow, I resumed that state of fear. It was maddening. I had only briefly became aware of this utterly absurd fear. I experienced what it was like to let go of that fear, and as a result, I gained direct proof that the fear was woefully unfounded; nothing eroded away. Everything continued to occur without me doing anything at all. But, for some reason, that experience was not enough to permanently liberate myself. I still feel it every day. Even when I bring awareness to it, I still feel, in my body, a resistance to trusting in the perfect security of the ground.

Now, my hypothesis for why I continue to live in this state of absurd fear is that I expect some sort of result in the form of worldly goods. Embarrassed, I am, to admit: My mind is very hung up on a desire to appear in the world like Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse or Point Break; irresistible to women and commanding the respect and subservience of men.

I've been reading Aristotle who puts everything through a teleological lens; all pursuits have an "end" (or, rather, we should contemplate the "end" in all we do.) The end (goal) of building a home is to have something to live in. The end of medicine is to extend someone's life.

Maybe my problem is that I consider the "end" of attaining enlightenment to placing myself in a state where I can become that version of myself I've always wanted to become. Perhaps instead I should consider the end of enlightenment to be that feeling of peace and contentment I experienced during that shroom trip or concert.

Or, taking things a step further, maybe it is best to not think of an end at all, because it turns enlightenment into a pursuit rather than a return to a home you never left.

I've quit before and felt immediate benefits. I suppose by "quitting" I mean I took like 2 days off and then relapsed...

At 12 days, I'm not really feeling any benefits. My sleep sucks, I'm not sharp as I feel like I should be, I'm an emotional wreck.

It's not that I want to smoke a joint right now-- it's that I feel like I was having more fun 2 weeks ago as a daily smoker. I seem to have forgotten how desperately I wanted to quit.

I'm not going to relapse. I'm just sharing where I am right now.

I'm in the nacent stages of my self-guided study of western philosophy, and am coming across that satisfying phenomenon where I find someone has considered and clarified a thought/question that I've found rattling around my head before.

In this case referenced in the title, Aristotle explores whether or not a person's virtue or vice is voluntary.

He observes: "All men seek what appears good to them, but they have no control over how things appear to them; the end appears different to different men."

So, a man who dedicates himself to physical fitness and excellence in his career field does so because he sees health and success as virtues. In the same way, a heroin addict gets high at every opportunity because he sees maximizing pleasure as a virtue. However, the former is obviously a better life than the latter from the perspective of any rational observer.

Aristotle goes on to argue all men, good or bad, have the requisite ability to perform actions through their own agency. Therefore, virtue and vices are voluntary. Admittedly, I'm not sure I'm following his logic here.

I'm sure other philosophers have continued on this line of inquiry and I'm interested in reading further in order to better understand, and reconcile determinism with what feels like the free will to better our selves and make better choices to how we live our lives.

I hope I made myself clear, and appreciate any feedback or suggestions.

One philosophical question that rattles around in me and demands an answer is the questions which follows from question the follows from the determinism vs. non-determinism debate is, Do people who hurt others for their own gain really choose to commit the violation? Or would I do the same thing if I was in that person's circumstances?

So as I'm understanding from Hegel, any attribute of myself I point at to define "me," exist within those very circumstances which include my memories, neurological development which has emerged as consequence of those very circumstances in the world around me.

So this hypothetical can't even be entertained as there is no inner-essence (soul?) that you could "pluck out" and switch with another person to test how "you" would perform under "their" circumstances of life.

Is that the dialectic? The definition of anything is dependent on that which is attempting to define it?

I need to take things slow. That's just the natural, internal tempo of my organism. I'm very quick at certain things, but when it comes to executive functioning, my body wants to be quite slow and deliberate. And there's nothing wrong with that, I'm realizing now. The only problem was that my parents were impatient and virulently expressed their dissatisfaction whenever I moved at my own pace.

""QUIT PIDDLING!!!!!" They would yell while I went about my morning routine.

The result? I scrapped the morning routine. I frantically rushed through things like putting my homework away in my binder after class, which resulted in a messy binder, which resulted in me getting yelled at when my parents saw how messy and disorganized my binder was.

So now, when I present myself with an executive demand, I go into a freeze response and seek some dopamine eliciting activity as an escape behavior. But I'm finding that when I give myself the permission to do the task slowly and methodically, the task gets done faster than if I were to try to do it "quickly" because the desire to escape the demand is not nearly as strong.

Going at the pace my parents demand as opposed to my own pace is, as the say in Zen, putting legs on a snake. Or I think of it like trying to row and sail at the same time-- it's too complicated and you end up stalling or going round in circles. Just sail. That's it.

When I was in college, I would have so much fun get high at parties where everyone was fucked up and no one cared how red or puffy your eyes were. And that little weed monkey voice in my mind tells me,

You have to try to recreate that experience at every given opportunity!! Do not miss out on a chance to get high and have crazy fun in public like we did that one time!!!

Well, after 10 years of giving into this voice on every occasion, it really feels like I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel.

And I know that it is noticeable and perturbing to others, my face when I drop a gummy or go for a "walk" with a one-hitter. When they don't outright tell me "you look high, dude," it is written on their faces, how off-put and embarrassed they are for me to be making such a spectacle of myself in front of others with my half-closed, empty, detached eyes.

Saw a video of myself from last night and thought... man. I don't want to look like that anymore. I looked scary. I looked like someone who is not quite concerned with human life.

When I know that I am very concerned with human life. I'm ungodly angry all the time about corporations and governments devouring human lives on industrial scales and converting them into capital which they dedicate toward their own short term interests. And if I were to allow myself to feel all that anger and grief, I'm afraid it would crush me like the titan submersible. So I smoke weed, because, as has been stated before on this subreddit: Weed makes everything "okay." You don't really care that much one way or another on anything. So it helps ease the pain.