u/WishboneObvious9758

So as per usual with these first appointments, they asked if I'd ever hurt myself. I said yes though only in the past. She asked me what made me do it. I told her one of the reasons.

Basically, the urge intensifies when my mood fluctuates a lot. Especially when I get dropped from the high end to the low end. I get more depressed when I watch a show that talks about hope and passion. It's honestly ridiculous that I get extremely depressed from watching kpop demon hunters for those of you that know😅. It reminds me that my life and this world isn't and never will be like that.

Another example is when I went out with my friend and their parents on an outing. I has tons of fun. They're honestly the healthiest family I know and can imagine. Again when I reached home, the feeling of emptiness hit me extremely hard. It was like i was dropped of the deep end or flunked off a cliff.

I thought this would be expected because of how dysthymia works, and that we're constantly at a negative on a scale.

I dont really know how to explain it but she wasn't exactly outright surprised or voiced out any judgement but I could kind of see it on her face. It was kind of like she was surprised or confused by how small or underwhelming the reason is? Or that she was expecting something different? She said something along the lines of "oh and you XX because of that?" Or "and it makes you feel the need to XX?" We just kinda moved on after that.

Idk I'm more confused and surprised overall rather than embarrassed or misunderstood or something like that. Like is this reason uncommon or slightly extreme? I don't think so since XX is all about coping and thats how I felt I had to cope after experiencing extreme drops in mood...

Again she didn't judge me or invalidate me. I just couldn't help but notice. Maybe I'm overthinking or not.

I just wanna know if this is something I should push through with or not. I just completed three sessions with this new therapist I'm seeing so I'm still giving her a chance. Of course I'll discuss with her too if I feel like I'm not benefitting but I really wanna hear other people's thoughts on if these are actual signs of it not benefitting or that it's natural to feel like that at first.

Firstly, the main point of dysthymia is chronic low mood. I don't have a specific reason or so I feel this way, I just do. I have episodes where I feel worse and that's when the negative thoughts hit but in general there's no particular reason usually. I just want to not exist. I feel that CBT is more related to when you have constant negative thoughts about yourself which I don't so honestly not sure if this is working.

Another thing relating to the previous point is that she kept trying to relate things to my depression like how would this situation make you feel more depressed. She also said filling my schedule would help distract me from my depression. Plus she wants me to do activities that will bring me a sense of achievement/pleasure for myself but nothing I do would really give me that feeling. I'm just expanding more energy to fulfill that.

Secondly, to my knowledge, CBT has a lot of homework and exercises involved. From past experiences, I know I won't be able to keep up with it. I'll just put it off again and again and the therapy sessions will just become another thing I dread and feel sick about thinking. I know I could work on why I feel this way with CBT but at the same time it's counter productive if I can't even bring myself to do it.

Lastly, feels like I HAVE TO have negative thoughts, almost like I'm obliged to. She just keeps pushing to go deeper and deeper and I feel forced to give her something. I tried to explain that it (a scenario) was just embarrassing but she kept asking why that would be bad. Sure I have negative thoughts but I actually feel quite secure in my emotions and I KNOW when something is not factually true and just my feelings. Plus I have low self-esteem but at the same time I'm sure of myself if that makes sense.

I just wanna know if this is something I should push through with or not. I just completed three sessions with this new therapist I'm seeing so I'm still giving her a chance. Of course I'll discuss with her too if I feel like I'm not benefitting but I really wanna hear other people's thoughts on if these are actual signs of it not benefitting or that it's natural to feel like that at first.

Firstly, the main point of dysthymia is chronic low mood. I don't have a specific reason or so I feel this way, I just do. I have episodes where I feel worse and that's when the negative thoughts hit but in general there's no particular reason usually. I just want to not exist. I feel that CBT is more related to when you have constant negative thoughts about yourself which I don't so honestly not sure if this is working.

Another thing relating to the previous point is that she kept trying to relate things to my depression like how would this situation make you feel more depressed. She also said filling my schedule would help distract me from my depression. Plus she wants me to do activities that will bring me a sense of achievement/pleasure for myself but nothing I do would really give me that feeling. I'm just expanding more energy to fulfill that.

Secondly, to my knowledge, CBT has a lot of homework and exercises involved. From past experiences, I know I won't be able to keep up with it. I'll just put it off again and again and the therapy sessions will just become another thing I dread and feel sick about thinking. I know I could work on why I feel this way with CBT but at the same time it's counter productive if I can't even bring myself to do it.

Lastly, feels like I HAVE TO have negative thoughts, almost like I'm obliged to. She just keeps pushing to go deeper and deeper and I feel forced to give her something. I tried to explain that it (a scenario) was just embarrassing but she kept asking why that would be bad. Sure I have negative thoughts but I actually feel quite secure in my emotions and I KNOW when something is not factually true and just my feelings. Plus I have low self-esteem but at the same time I'm sure of myself if that makes sense.

I just wanna know if this is something I should push through with or not. I just completed three sessions with this new therapist I'm seeing so I'm still giving her a chance. Of course I'll discuss with her too if I feel like I'm not benefitting but I really wanna hear other people's thoughts on if these are actual signs of it not benefitting or that it's natural to feel like that at first.

Firstly, the main point of dysthymia is chronic low mood. I don't have a specific reason or so I feel this way, I just do. I have episodes where I feel worse and that's when the negative thoughts hit but in general there's no particular reason usually. I just want to not exist. I feel that CBT is more related to when you have constant negative thoughts about yourself which I don't so honestly not sure if this is working.

Another thing relating to the previous point is that she kept trying to relate things to my depression like how would this situation make you feel more depressed. She also said filling my schedule would help distract me from my depression. Plus she wants me to do activities that will bring me a sense of achievement/pleasure for myself but nothing I do would really give me that feeling. I'm just expanding more energy to fulfill that.

Secondly, to my knowledge, CBT has a lot of homework and exercises involved. From past experiences, I know I won't be able to keep up with it. I'll just put it off again and again and the therapy sessions will just become another thing I dread and feel sick about thinking. I know I could work on why I feel this way with CBT but at the same time it's counter productive if I can't even bring myself to do it.

Lastly, feels like I HAVE TO have negative thoughts, almost like I'm obliged to. She just keeps pushing to go deeper and deeper and I feel forced to give her something. I tried to explain that it (a scenario) was just embarrassing but she kept asking why that would be bad. Sure I have negative thoughts but I actually feel quite secure in my emotions and I KNOW when something is not factually true and just my feelings. Plus I have low self-esteem but at the same time I'm sure of myself if that makes sense.