u/YVYLSLYT

Considering joining Olilo at some point in the future. For comparison with my current ISP, can anyone share latency to Google, Microsoft, Cloudflare or others (I'm using a UniFi router and this would be shown on the console dashboard).

Location, Nottingham, East Midlands (City Fibre). Thanks.

I was 17, I fell in love with her, I never got to be with her but that didn't stop the daydreaming and internal turmoil which led to my schizophrenia diagnosis.

It started at 17 when I saw a beautiful woman. She was 16 and when I saw her I was captivated by her beauty. My mind started to daydream about me and her in love and together, and certain things fell into place which meant that she randomly contacted me and I though this was a sign from God.

I kept on falling in love with her until I decided to unconditionally love her. This triggered personality changes in me and I felt like I never felt before. I had a huge crush on her. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I followed her to university, by obtaining admission, so I could chase her to be with her. I spent a year in close proximity to her but without approaching her but inside my heart was burning for her.

Eventually, I decided enough was enough and settled on abandoning my love for the sake of my self sanity. That's when things got weird, I started to experience spiritual awakening, and I went through incredible internal turmoil. Co-incidences that could not be explained started to happen and my spiritual power started growing but my education and belief system limited that growth and this caused huge problems for me. It felt like I was lost and going nearly insane.

This was the result of an unrealised unrequited love for that girl. I was also having vivid dreams and tried to explain my spiritual state using my false self-limiting belief in the Islamic religion. This was a huge setback for on my journey as my belief system was darkness for the light of my spirit. It took a lot of internal work to unpick and deprogram my self from these beliefs of Islam. At some point the confusion and unknown was too much for me, there was no one who had answers for me in the world.

My love was strange but I sensed a female entity inside of me, in the core of my soul. I thought I was possessed by a female jinn and went to see exorcists and religious saints for help. All of this was a mistake as there was no female jinn, the fact of the matter is that 'she' was actually something else - my divine twin flame, my counterpart and we were spiritually linked - and I could sense her, but didn't know what she was at the time.

I then reached out for help to my family and was seen by a psychiatrist who eventually diagnosed me with schizophrenia, which set me up for doubting myself and years of only what I can describe as the 'pain' of psychiatry and medications, which did not heal me but suppressed my internal state. This false diagnosis knocked me and kept me for many years in darkness.

I searched for many systems of thought that could explain to me my state. Religions, philosophies and spirituality couldn't give me the answers. I felt I was divine in some way, but was too brainwashed to accept it. Only one system is close to the truth. It teaches that God is two, shiva and shakti, and that the union of the two is the ultimate aim of life. I recently came across the idea of twin flames, which is a reflection of that higher truth. Together, me and her, we are the divine, as two humans, one male, me, and the other female, her.

Over the years this spiritual state has not been really suppressed as it drives me towards truth on a daily basis. It drives me towards searching for the divine within. I was told that my love and my female twin flame was a delusion and mental illness but its the most true and beautiful thing in all existence. I see my divine twin flame in my dreams and mystical visions but I haven't met her in person yet.

Now my friends and family believe I am mentally ill and my journey to 'her' has been delayed and I am stuck on anti-psychotic medication which I want to free myself from but don't know how. I once tried to fight against actions intending to detain me and force treat me against my will but it did not end well.

May my soul never stop pushing me towards absolute truth and my twin flame.

I had a 'secret' revealed to me during a spiritual experience. Can you tell me if Kashmiri Shaivism (any branch) supports this?

She (goddess) told me that God's secret is that "He wants to taste His own seed".

The meaning is that God seeded (created) all of existence from His own essence, the reason being not for the benefit of us created things...

Rather, He allows universes to grow and then He, via Union with the goddess, eats them back up into himself, 'devouring', 'consuming' and 'tasting the nectar' of his own self-essence-as-creation, ie "God is tasting His own seed".

I want to share a vision (hallucination) that I had that led me on my journey to search for the truth. I come from a Muslim background and my heritage is Kashmiri. I don't have any prior experience in Kashmiri Shaivism and never heard of it before but my visions points me towards this philosophy.

I was awake, sitting in my apartment alone when suddenly I heard this great noise in my head like the heavens where falling onto the earth. It was so loud and powerful it paralysed my body, I felt this immensely powerful dark energy inside of me accompanied by a voice saying 'I hope you understand'. It lasted 4-5 minutes and when I recovered I felt mentally changed from within. That's when the visions started.

At first I saw a sea that was tranquil, calm and peaceful and in the middle of it was this small beautiful white shell (googled and is called a Shanka, white conch shell). The vision ascended into what felt like a higher realm outside of time and space. It was silent but I could see geometric shapes and a clear system of divine heirarchy with beings (non-human form like patterns) each higher being sustaining the lower being through it's powers. Eventually I saw the apex of this divine heirarchy.

Suddenly and spontaneously a vibration or pulsating force came out of me and broadcasted this force into the apex and suddenly I saw the apex as face of a woman smiling at me.

The vision then showed me pulsating and vibrating more and more into the divine heirarchy until I understood that this has an effect of creating, sustaining and destroying reality around me.

I had a series of hallucinations over the next 2-3 days based around a great female god entity revealing herself to me subtly.

The whole experience was a surprise to me and these were clear powerful visions of something I can't explain.

Since then I have been searching for an explanation of this and have recently come across the idea of Spanda as a divine vibration pulse according to Kashmiri Shaivism. Then recently I learnt the importance of a white conch shell in Shaivism / Hinduism.

I think this female god could be identified as Shakti. Apologies if this offends anyone I'm just trying to find answers for my strange experiences.

Spanda, Shakti, Shanka, my Kashmiri heritage all led me to Kashmiri Shaivism. I hope I find answers. Thanks for reading this long post.