u/YoutubeUniqq

I would like to share my story and how I'm going about becoming the man I thought I was before the devastation I brought to my loving ex-girlfriend's life. I'm looking for any advice anybody may have on steps I may be missing, language being too passive, confrontation with myself being too avoidant, etc. I would also like to know if anybody here would give the opportunity to reconcile and try again. Thank you.

It lasted 14 months, this started when we had broken up, going through a rough patch, it wasn't even a technical "break up" we were "not together" for about 3 days, 2 of those days I decided to create an alternate Snapchat account to snap women, none of which I had emotional or sexual desire towards but from what I've learned as seeking validation and filling a void of insecurity I had. (I like to use past tense as I'm no longer the man or anything near the pos version of myself that I was when I committed this act of disgusting behaviour). After these 2 days of just snapping many women back and forth none of whom I knew, nothing sexually explicit, no sexting, just snapping to get a form of validation I seemed to so desperately want. (Pathetic.)

I had proceeded to not log in for a long period, I cannot recall to this day the exact time frame but I believe I had logged in around the 7-8 month mark after the initial time. This time I created two other accounts one that was never used and the other used because I had "added too many friends" on my original of the 2 alternative accounts. This time was slightly different, I was seeking for more validation, trying harder to fill this insecurity void I had. This time I had sent shirtless pictures to other women, nothing sexually explicit or nude. This time we had "broken up" again and this lasted one night and I had logged out the next morning. When I use the term "broken up" my now ex-girlfriend had said we were done and didn't want a relationship with me, keep in mind I fought to stay with her convinced myself we were not breaking up & acted like we were together.

Now, the 3rd time and the worst of all 3 of them. This time we were together, we had just finished arguing and stopped talking to each-other, I decided to log on and this time sent and received nude images from other women, multiple nude images. This was 6-7 months after the 2nd time I had previously discussed. I felt disgusted with myself the next morning, I don't understand what I had done but I never once thought to tell my SO. Completely shameful behaviour, she found out 2 days later I presume from a gut feeling and went through my entire phone while I was sleeping and found it all, I never told her anything and again, this had a time frame of 14 months. She kicked me out of her house as she should and that was that. To make note these alternate Snapchat accounts were logged in to a total of 3 times over a 14 months period.

Since then, I have my first scheduled therapy session in a few days, I have sat and confronted all my emotions and feelings including; regret, disgust, shamefulness, remorse & guilt. I have expressed all of these emotions and feelings to my ex-girlfriend. I feel guilty, remorseful and a level of regret I have never felt before. Me and my ex-girlfriend are currently in contact and I express to her and let her know on her terms of when I can text, my actionable steps towards becoming the man I know I need to be for myself and nobody else. The actions I'm willing to put in place if we were to attempt to try again & everything I have learned about myself and the growing I have been able to do. She tells me she doesn't know if she wants to get back together, she says it's too soon to even know and of course I validate those feelings and ensure she understand none of this was her fault, it was my disgusting choice and my disgusting actions that betrayed her and broke the trust she had in me forever, something that will likely cause damage to her for the rest of her life. I never go a day without the shame and guilt for the pain I caused her. I made sure she knows that everything is on her terms, her schedule and whenever she feels like/wants to do things.. if the moment comes that she no longer wants to be in contact and needs complete and total distance I don't hesitate to listen and follow her request. I ensure she knows she owes me nothing and I owe her everything including complete transparency, honesty and consistency.

**The question re-asked: I'm looking for any advice anybody may have on steps I may be missing, language being too passive, confrontation with myself being too avoidant, etc. I would also like to know if anybody here would give the opportunity to reconcile and try again.**

Hi, I was looking on advice and what to expect from her emotion wise and the best ways to deal with it going forward, so she feels as safe as I can make her & as heard as possible.

I created a secondary Snapchat account about 14 months ago on a weekend where we had "broken up" for a very short time I used it to get validation and fill an insecurity void I obviously have, I'm currently booked into therapy starting next week on my journey to finding the why. Then came a second time where we had also "broken up" for a short period of time where I created 2 other Snapchat accounts because I had maxxed out "quick adding" people and wanted to add more, there was no s*xually explicit image sharing the first two times and it was snaps back and forth, the most I had sent was an ab picture. The 3rd time is the worst on top of the already "badness" of the first two, this time we were together, not broken up, I shared s*xually explicit content back and forth with a girl for one night and that was that.

Two days later my girlfriend went through my phone and found these s*xually explicit messages aswell as my other Snapchat accounts, the first thing I did was take accountability express the insane amounts of remorse and regrets I had and how sorry I was for my actions and the pain I had caused her. The next thing I did was delete all of it, delete every account, remove any way of even watching p*rn on twitter (now x) and more. I never want this to happen again and I've made that very clear to her.

She's been going through a flux of motions and it's only been 4 days, I do expect this to be a long journey and I'm happy if she's even willing to try again. I told her no matter how she feels I do not want to start up our relationship before I understand why I did it and get the building steps to ensure it never happens again (is this wrong or the correct way to do it?).

She goes through spurts of "I hate you" to "I really miss you", and back and forth, It makes sense and I comprehend it completely as I'd likely feel the exact same way. I care for her and I know she never deserved this, I'm doing this healing and growth journey for me, becoming the man I know I need to be, hopefully this ends up benefitting our relationship as-well.

TLDR; I cheated on my girlfriend of 4.5 years on a secondary Snapchat account, she's been going through a flux of emotions as we're still talking, I want to know what to expect over the coming months from other people who have went through this journey or may do therapy and have helped people through this journey.