u/Zagoon_96

I write here cause I would feel stupid to schedule an appointement with a psychologist for that. I just feel stupid.

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I met my crush on a youtube live chat on which we were both moderators. We discused from time to time on that chat for approximatly 1 year, we became friends there, then we exchanged our numbers and started to discuss almost daily. We met once IRL and I really had a crush on him.

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6 months ago he told me he just started to date his girlfriend. I felt devastated at first but I got suspicious that his girlfriend didn't exist : I saw nothing on social media, he was very reluctant to talk about her or things she liked and he kept telling me ambiguous things ("you're really special", "I feel so alone", "girls don't like me"...). At some point I was sure his girlfriend was made up and that I had a chance with him.

I clearly flirted once, and he became really defensive. He harshly told me he was not free and that I live too far away from him (which is true...). He said I was delusionnal (also true). But after that, he kept on talking to me in an ambiguous way (sending hearts, "I would be interrested if you lived closer"... )

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We met again 1 week ago with a friend of his, and their discussion made really clear that his girlfriend was 100% real. He gave some details, he explained how they met, where they dated...

And for the last 7 days I have been devastated. I burst in tears at random moments, I feel like I won't sleep at night if I don't drink, and I feel completly empty.

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After we last met, my crush kept talking to me as if we were together, saying "we had a sweet story" and "I will be sad but i'm sure you'll find a boyfrien"... and I had to ask him to stop cause the way he fueled my hopes was too painfull for me.

But he is a great friend for me and I don't want to go no contact. Just with more boundaries.

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--- Some character developpement for me and my crush :

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*My crush just graduate from a very demanding degree and he has grown up in a very religious familly. Now he has left religion and he made some money from his new work. He wants to make up for lost time, test a many new things as possible and travel from place to place to find somewhere to feel at home.

He grew up in the same area as me, but he studied and began to work at 800 km from his hometown.

I have the feeling that he wanted to experience dating, now that he's free from his familly and study. A girl was interrested in him and he said "why not".

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He is also an inspiration for me, because he now wants to live his life as intensively as possible whereas I'm a routine person. He inspire me to test new things.

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*I used to be a very shy person even if I improved myself those last years, in particular by appearing on youtube/ twitch lives and beeing part of some communites online. I feel like I succesfully bonded with my crush and that now I just have to find another guy to bond with. But I don't want another guy.

Besides, I have been struggling with low chronic depression and vaginism, and intimacy makes me inconfortable. I know those will be an issue to meet someone and I wonder if that's not the reason I was so fond of this all-message relationship.

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To conclude :

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*I know I have to grieve the delusionnal relationship I had with my crush, but I can't handle the pain anymore. What can I do ?

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*I feel the urge to find another long-distance relationship right now to fill the space my crush have left empty. Can we agree that it's a bad idea ?

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Thank you for reading me until now.

I needed that off my chest. Feel free to tell me what you think or to give me some advice.