u/Zakirshumi

Hello everyone! I'll be starting a research position at Fudan University this fall, which should last a couple of years. My two cats and I have just moved into an apartment just off of Daxue Road. As long as we'll be in town for a while, I thought I'd ask for some recommendations. Does anyone here have a favorite cafe in the area? Favorite restaurant? Favorite fruit vendor/grocery store? I don't quite care for nightlife all that much, so that's not really necessary. But I'm very excited to learn more about the neighborhood!

I'm 36, male, and I've known I've been on the spectrum for years. First I'll start with the positives. I've been able to turn my hyperfixation in ancient history into an actual academic career, which I am extremely passionate about. The job market is miserable for the humanities, but I've surprised myself with how well I've been able to adapt to the instability. I have lived in five different cities over the past five years, during which I have had eight different employers. I am now starting a two-year research position in China... which I did not expect, considering I don't actually study Chinese history, nor did I know any Chinese until this year. I am grateful to be part of such a wide academic community who has my back, and I am grateful to my family for supporting me. On top of that, I have finally been able to make friends. I have been told I have a very sweet personality.

But I am still deeply, deeply alone.

I have only had a single romantic partner in my entire life, for exactly one week, ten years ago. To be blunt, I have little confidence in myself as a romantic partner... and none in myself as a sexual partner. My entire childhood, I was incessantly criticized about my weight, my stimming, my speech, my interests, my everything. I have hypotonia so my body barely cooperates with me. I was ruthlessly bullied by my only friend. Lots of trust issues there. Socializing has never been easy for me, and it's something that I have actually worked on a lot since I was a child. But romance, sexuality? Nothing. In fact, I've only recently accepted the fact that I'm attracted to women. Which is an odd thing to say for a man. But I've never really considered myself much of a man. I'm not what you would call a "real" man. Really I'm more like a cartoon character. Charming, maybe. Friendly, even affable. But not good material for a partner. Just some goofy monstrosity you can laugh at if you need a bit of entertainment.

At some point I just accepted the fact that nobody will ever like me for what I am, and that to be accepted in any relationship I would have to be something I'm not. Didn't help that every relationship in my family was some level of dysfunctional. I wasn't even safe from my own best friend, who bullied me relentlessly and beat me up. I thought that by avoiding relationships I would keep myself safe. Safe from the constant judgment. Safe from being screamed at. Safe from being beaten. But I am so, so alone. And because I've been out of the game so long, I have no confidence to even begin dating. I've tried using dating apps, but my first response to strange people swiping right on me is blind panic. I have such a hard time trusting people I cannot help but reject them outright. Even though I myself am very sensitive to rejection. I'm just so scared. I’m worried I’m nothing more than a bag of neuroses. I don’t know if I can be anything more than that.

I want to be in love. But I don’t know how to get to that point.