u/_Grimalkin

currently sick and tired of my boobs, they also happen to hurt a lot which is just one of the many things that make them annoying.

but the most annoying thing is this. i'm losing weight, not my boobs fortunately (or unfortunately?) but i don't know what to wear, especially to work.

if you've seen the business 'casual' tops nowadays its like they expect all people to have cupsize <C. if I wear any of those tops to work i'm going to be reported to HR.

i'm really at my wits end bc i want to look good since losing weight but i also don't want to look like a prostitute at work. so I resort to baggy blouses, jumpers and tshirts, which in turn make me look bulky since the boobs are inflating the whole setup.

there has to be more out there for our girlies, i need some advice.

ps. if you're a man reading this and ur going to dm me i will annihilate you.

hi all,

i don't feel very comfortable putting this out here, and ashamed, but i feel like i need some objective answers/a logical explanation for this instead of listening to my (extreme) limerence and something that i guess has turned into extended grief/a major overreaction.

sorry for the extensive post, but i'm just trying to get all the information in so i can find some answers.

context: i have been diagnosed with (c)ptsd, subsequently avoidant personality disorder and traits of borderline personality disorder, and adhd (in childhood: autism diagnosis). all the diagnoses are labeled 'high functioning' since I (quoting my therapist) have full insight into my own behaviours and thoughts, I am able to keep a successfull career in academia and able to fully and independently function in life.

also adding that its quite strange to be able to observe and recognise your own distorted thoughts and beliefs, act fairly rationally and responsible except for the occasional (minor) outburst, function well, but still not able to control the emotional response to them. when i'm in private, my 'disorders' manifest themselves to the fullest, as i'm very adept at masking and being socially acceptable, and then coming home to ruminate and cry all evening.

so, I know i'm mentally ill.

my most prominent symptoms are self-hate, low self esteem, constantly having the feeling others must hate me or think i'm lazy, fat, stupid, unworthy of existence (paranoia), and my bpd only shows up in romantic connections (obsessive, limerence, idealisation, depression and anxiety, extreme fawning/pleasing/rarely saying no).

i've had some bad experiences in the past regarding dating (partners that cheated, lied, SA, and me fawning and self-harming during) and general life events (parents constantly fighting, a chronic illness, a near death experience, multiple family members being critically ill).

regarding partners i somehow always choose the most unavailable, 'unlovable' kind of persons and I seem to have a tendency of wanting to please them and even beg for their attention and love, even letting myself getting abused to please them/not having any self respect (so yes, i stopped dating to get into therapy :) ).

this is going to sound extremely pathetic but here we go.

so 'after all that' i randomly talked to a guy online for 3 months (not my intention, but it happened), it was quite intense (everyday communication, sharing intimate details, etc). i assume for simplicity he was my usual type (avoidant, emotionally unavailable), it just didnt work out, and he ghosted me. fair.

i don't even know the man that well. i tried getting over it for the last bloody YEAR. it worked, until he casually reached out again. i logically know it means nothing to him, but my brain has gone batshit crazy again just ruminating about everything as if i'm in active ptsd, which is total bs regarding the magnitude of the event (i mean, i've been through way worse, c'mon now, this was 3 months of a talking stage... i had a near death experience in the ICU and a breakup of a 7yr relationship and i cried less, lol). crying, missing him, while i, again, don't even know the man that well and haven't even seen him irl... idealising, ruminating, wondering why, feeling inadequate and worthless, having a grief like reaction to such a minor event basically.

when i'm stressed, alone, or tired, the emotional reaction, obsession, and ruminating gets more intense.

and no, i'm certainly *not* reaching back out to him to entertain his sorry ass, as I know I am mentally ill :) and i'm in therapy (currently on the waiting list for DBT).

i really want it to stop. and for it to stop, i have to understand where its coming from. ofcourse when looking at my history you can guess why this is happening.

but i don't understand the intensity of it/what this is trying to teach or tell me/and why this specific person and this minor event? what is my brain even doing?

thanks for reading all that.