I feel so pathetic and cowardly that I never fought back against my bullies
I was bulled as a child from approximately 8-14. The large majority of it was vocal but some physical stuff too. But what hurts to think about the most is that I never did anything to defend myself. I was so desperate to fit in and have the 'cool' guys like me that I'd voluntarily sit at the same primary school table as these 5 guys who just constantly made fun of me, occasionally punch my arm etc. One of the most annoying things they did was break the tip of my pencil over and over. If I got up for just a few moments and left my pencil there they'd break it. Literally one time I did it back to one of them who had just done it to me, he got up and told the teacher and I got shouted at. I wish I was kidding. What sucks is that I did actually think they were my friends but clearly they weren't. I was just so socially unaware to understand what was really even happening.
One of the most pathetic stories I have from when I was in secondary school was my 'friends' would punch me on my arm multiple times a day, almost every day, for at least 6 months. Not once did I ever punch them back. I know now how different things could have been if I genuinely just punched a few people in the nose if they were bullying me. But I was TERRIFIED of getting in any sort of trouble from say a teacher or my parents. Getting shouted at was my worst nightmare as a child.
Here are a few things I can remember vividly
I know this might seem silly but one thing which sucked was if we were playing something like catch in the playground, so many of them would pretend I never touched them when I had - that only happened to me. They wouldn't ignore each others. A few times I can remember them all running around laughing all in on the joke that I was actually catching people but it was funny to just lie and make fun of me.
Quite often I got bulled for being a geek or a 'swat' as we called it where I grew up. I was a relatively smart kid and one of my first proper interests was science, particularly space - I did a 'show and tell' on the solar system when I was around 8-9 and I remember feeling proud and thinking it was pretty cool that I was able to memorise all of them in order haha. I did well in school up until I started pretending I was ill a lot so I could avoid going to school. Normally it wasn't even the bullying it was because I regularly didn't do my homework. I'd feel so anxious to go to class and face my teacher and potentially be shouted at. My attendance was much better the first couple years but particularly in my last 3 years of secondary school it was kinda bad likely somewhere around 80%. But there was the odd day I'd take off because I was too anxious to be in that environment. I took my birthday off for a couple years because I was egged one time and had my lip burst open. Maybe explains why I actively dislike my birthday now actually. Also I've now got some weird complex surrounding my intelligence. For so long being smart was a part of my inner identity. I would quite often get called smart as a child by my parents, teachers and classmates. I was called a nerd/swat so often it was impossible for my to think otherwise. Looking back I wish I could see that some of them were probably calling me a nerd because they felt I was smarter than me and it made them feel bad. I should mention, I was and am absolutely not some kind of genius I don't way it to come across that way. I was above average as a child but nothing more than that, and now my brain is completely shot after years of drug abuse and not challenging myself.
Had chewing gum put in my hair and had to cut some of my hair off. Once someone put something called 'tipex' in my hair, its a whitener you use to cover a mistake on a piece of paper. My teacher asked me how it happened and I said I got it on my hand without realising and leaned my head on to my hand. I could tell by his body language he knew it wasn't true and that he was sympathetic towards me but not much a teacher can do if the victim covers for the perpetrator. For so many years I lived entirely inside my head desperately trying not to react because I was always told back then not to hit back, be the bigger person etc. But also, I would feel so anxious and things would feel so intense inside my head I was scared to lose control of myself. Or maybe I just developed a type of freeze reaction, I don't know. What I do know is I let myself go through years of torment and it shaped me so fundamentally as a person. My life could have been so different if I just ONCE had some balls and retaliated to the point they wouldn't feel like its worth it to do it again.
Was pushed under a running shower with my clothes and schoolbag on during P.E class. Genuinely picture a small shower room, a bunch of guys blocking my way out and thinking it was absolutely hilarious to get me soaking wet just all laughing at me like I'm on a pantomime stage. My shoes were thrown over that same building once, quite like how it happened in the UK office.
Something which is still with me today emotionally but seems pretty innocuous really is one time during science class (12 years old) I asked the teacher if an assumption I had made was correct based on something she had said. She reacted by loudly exclaiming, "Yes (my name), that's brilliant!". Immediately I was called a swat by a few guys. But this one guy who said it had this genuine sense of disgust on his face, and again embarrassingly this was one of the same guys who bulled me in primary school, and I viewed him as above me and I still seeked out his approval. I know she was being a genuinely good and supportive teacher but man I hated that she did that. It was something about Argon is all I remember. Anytime I did particularly well in class bad things happened to me. I think over time my desperate need to be accepted made it so I stopped caring about school altogether and just hated it. When I went to university (twice and dropped out twice) I felt so uncomfortable even being on campus I think its related to how my previous experiences of education went, Now, I'm 28 and extremely insecure about my intelligence because life hasn't gone great for me, I've never been not broke and the only jobs I've worked have been hospitality and retail so no career at all. 2 different courses at university I've dropped out off with nothing to show for it, both times as a result of myself just not being able to push myself to care about my future and so I stop attending and submitting work. My first attempt I lasted a month before I just didn't hand in an essay and so just spent the year in my room (Moving away to dorms in a different city was a terrible idea to do as a 17 year old, if not for the reason that you need your flat mates to buy you alcohol). I managed to pass one year of college but only after having a panic attack and then frantically emailing all my teachers for extensions on work that was already supposed to have been submitted weeks ago. The following year I got to around the same time of the year and was in the same situation, but this time the head of the department wasn't as forgiving as some teachers and made me feel so shameful in the two meetings I had with him I was almost too embarrassed to go back even if I could push myself to do the work. He wasn't unfair at all either, I'm just sensitive and deal with a lot of shame.
I don't expect anyone to read this ridiculously long post and I imagine it sounds like extreme self pity, but this is the first time I've ever taken these ideas outside my head and into the real world. The shame I feel at how I didn't ever stand up for myself is so strong I think I intentionally avoided making it real, even though its been tormenting me so for so many years. My life isn't completely gloom and doom of course. I have a wonderful girlfriend, have made a decent amount of friends over the years who treated me like an actual human being. Some of my friend group back starting around 15 I'm still friends with and I sometimes play games with them and once in a blue moon see them in real life. Sadly over the last probably 3 years I distanced myself from them because of how my annoying brain is. To the point where maybe I'll never be as good of friends with them as they are with each other. Sadly I've realised I struggle to balance the mental load of having a girlfriend and a social life as ridiculous as that may sound. I need a lot of solitude or I end up having some sort of meltdown/burnout and because I live with my GF I have less mental space available for friends. That's not even considering maintaining relationships with my family because I'm just seemingly not capable of keeping regular contact with them and being around them makes me on edge so I rarely seem them either. One of the most shameful things I've ever done wasn't too long ago, I didn't go to my uncle's funeral. I am so deeply ashamed, he was a good man and part of my family and I couldn't force myself to go. At the the time internally I realised on the day that I didn't have a suit to wear (I know how stupid that is) and ended up having a bit of a breakdown emotionally and felt like I just couldn't go for some insane reason. The thing is I don't know if its as simple as not having the appropriate clothing or if I just don't deal with death well and it makes me super neurotic. Or it could just be I'm so lazy I couldn't be bothered to go and somehow made up an excuse for me to believe. I didn't go to my grandfather on his deathbed. He had dementia/Alzheimer's and so for quite a while before he actually passed he wasn't really alive, and then spent a lot of time unconscious before dying. But even if he wasn't, humans do things like this out of respect, to honour them. Even if they don't know it, they weren't alone when they truly died. He was a 30 minute bus ride from me and I genuinely do not know if I just couldn't be fucking bothered to leave the house or if there is a deeper reason which I can't identify because I've never been able to process how I feel very well.
Sorry for the numerous typos