u/a3sthetic_ali3n0903

**No word censoring and only using the V and tu words**

My boyfriend and I (22F) adopted a dog in February of last year. He’s always been a very vomity dog since we got him. He always throws up in car rides, even if they are 10 minutes or less, which makes Christmas, vacations (like taking him to be boarded) and vet visits a pain in the butt.

He threw up on the car ride home when we first got him. Threw up on the way to Christmas at my mom’s (we stay the night there on Christmas Eve), threw up driving to the park for a walk, gets sick all the time at home with no obvious reasoning.

At least once every week or two, he usually vomits yellow bile or white spit. When we took him to the vet a couple of weeks ago for his vaccines, and we asked about his vomiting,, the vet really didn’t take us seriously and shrugged it off, saying “some dogs just do that.” On the 10 minute ride home, he threw up three times. And I was panicking, because I couldn’t get away from it. :(

Well since then, for the last 5ish days, he has thrown up every fucking day without fail. This morning he did it RIGHT when my boyfriend stepped out of the house for work, and I immediately called him almost bawling because it was the third or fourth time I’ve cleaned up a mess in less than a week.

When he was a pup and would vomit, I would feel horrible because when he got sick, I’d yell at him, because my emotional response to fear is 9 times out of 10 anger. This caused him to run away from me when he’s sick and always throw up in his cage. While I feel bad for it, it’s way better than the time he threw up on my blanket or near my feet while I was in a call for work.

Overtime I have gotten better about comforting him when he’s done being sick rather than yelling at him. But this last week, since he is doing it so much, I am starting to resent him and want him as far away from me as possible. Which is making me cry because he keeps giving me puppy dog eyes and wants to cuddle with us. He’s very gassy tonight and it smells awful, and has another vet appointment (with a different vet) scheduled for Friday morning, which my boyfriend will be taking him to alone, as I cannot handle the car ride with him.

I can’t sleep because every time he moves or makes a noise, I panic. I can’t eat because every time he vomits, I lose my appetite for HOURS on end, and as I stated, he is doing this daily at the moment. Every time he licks his lips more than twice (he does this a ton before he starts gagging), my body enters fight or flight mode and I begin to shake and panic, and run away from him.

It really doesn’t help that he’s got a very nasty vomiting sound, and it’s usually loud enough that I can hear it from across the apartment WITH my ears covered. I really don’t know what to do. I’m trying to hold out until Friday but I want so desperately to drive to my mom’s and stay there until this is figured out. I’d hate to get rid of him I love him so much but I simply cannot live like this. Does anyone have advice on how to lower his vomiting and discomfort, or how I can manage the panic I have when he simply exists?

Last night I fell asleep after we played Skyrim together, and he was supposed to wake me up at 11pm so I could stay up some. He didn’t wake me up until he accidentally did after 1am and he said he tried waking me up (I’m not hard to wake up and I have no recollection of this) but I went back to bed anyway because he was also going to bed.

I woke up before him this morning and felt the familiar pull to check his phone. I didn’t think much of that gut pull feeling at first, because I’ve been searching his phone every other week or so for years just in case. I’ve never found any reason to be concerned. No redownloading social media, no long times sitting in safari, etc.

Last night, he was on safari for 24 minutes between 1am and 2am. And so I naturally go to see if his history has anything (like a game guide) that would warrant this time.

Immediately upon opening safari, it asked for a face lock code which I was able to clear, and the first tab was an empty private browser. If you’re on iPhone, you know you literally have to navigate away from private browsing and purposefully open a private browsing tab, so it can’t be an accident. I immediately felt it - the stomach drop, the tremors, the negative body image.

This time, he left a search history of a bunch of Facebook links in his regular tabs. Guess he either got careless or he couldn’t take anymore Facebook thirst traps and had to go to the real thing, and forgot about the links in his history.

Roll the women in bikinis, see through skirts, boobs 10x the size of mine, etc. I recently put on weight due to my birth control implant (like 20lbs), while I’m not fat, I’m now curvier than I used to be, and all I’ve been doing is complaining about how scared I am that he’ll go back to porn because I’m ugly. He has expressed his disgust for fat women multiple times in the past, which makes this weight feel heavier than it actually is…. Literally.

So I naturally went to his account and his history on videos and it goes back to October. Visiting model and OF pages like “miss mischief” and “yukinnoe” who is a Japanese young lady who poses in thongs through see-through skirts.

I’m needing ideas on how to confront him. I can’t keep secrets like this inside and the worst part of everything is that I can’t leave him. I have been in arguments with my family lately that remind me of how much I don’t want to go back and live with them, but I can’t afford to live alone. And…. I can’t kick him out. His whole family just packed up and moved to Arizona a couple of weeks ago and all that’s left here is his mom whom he has a terrible relationship with at the moment. And unfortunately my dumbass still loves him enough to not do that to him.

So, I’m wondering if I should just accept it and let him have his porn, we still got freaky last night so I don’t understand why he turned to random girls. I guess if our sex life is still alive right now I can’t be too mad. Maybe it’ll be freeing to give up and never check his phone again, to not want to know and not have to know, to not call it betrayal anymore because I allowed it. But then I know it’ll get worse overtime. I don’t know what to do. I’m never going to find a man who doesn’t watch porn so why leave a third man in a row over it?

Kinda explains why he’s been buying me so much stuff lately and offering to pay when we’re out and about, a rarity in our lives. Also explains the odd amount of horniness and affection I’ve gotten lately. Why can’t he just love me and only me? Why can’t he be affectionate with me without looking at other women? Why am I never fucking good enough?