u/aboynamedrat

My partner likes to tell me that he wants me to be equal to his spouse, he "doesn't want me to feel secondary". He's married, and tells me the marriage, legally, was for insurance purposes. His romantic notions of the future have stopped doing it for me, and it's made me start feeling resentful. I want some level of escalation in the future (financial protection for the future, sharing finances, beneficiary designation) that aren't on the table because of his marriage. He said he wants those things with me too, but that doesn't mean I'm secondary because he's married, and wants us all to be equal.

So I asked the question that I thought I'd never have the guts to ask. "If the legal marriage was strictly for insurance purposes, you don't care for the institution, and you have a state government/pension job with healthcare now, would you get a divorce so none of us are married?"

The answer wasn't no, but it wasn't yes. I told him he has 6 months to discuss it with his partner, and saying no wouldn't mean a breakup. I need to stop treating him as a potential primary partner and date intentionally for a primary partner if he can't offer me what I need. I'm starting to feel like I was too harsh, and it's a shitty thing to ask, but at the same time it was weighing on me and I needed to ask. I know opinions about this are extremely mixed, and I need to stress this wasn't an ultimatum or an effort at triangulation. I have no ill will to their marriage, but needed to stop feeling like I was holding it in and just plainly as the question. That's all. Maybe I'm the bad guy. I don't know. I guess we'll find out. Thanks for the ear(s).

I've (29m) been seeing my partner (34m) for almost 6 months. He's married (spouse uses they/them pronouns), and told me early on that his spouse has never been interested in meeting his partners, and that "they just don't like most people, and it's something that bothers me but I deal with it". He's talked about them in a negative light more than a positive one, including that they don't really want anything to do with me.

I set a boundary last night that I was starting to feel resentful, and wanted full parallel with meta as well unless they reached out first. I had been accommodating and open to whatever meta/partner wanted, and I'm aware not everyone wants the same level of familiarity with metas, but I was no longer interested in hearing about them or seeing photos of them together when I felt the interest was not reciprocated. Whether it was healthy or not, my feelings were hurt and I just didn't want to keep upsetting myself and calling it ok.

As soon as I said that, he said "well they actually just extended the invitation to meet you". He said they've "just been really busy and they finally have time now so they agreed to meet you, and just didn't want to spend the little free time they had with people they don't know". He also said meta has met other partners of his in the past, which is not at all what he told me before. I asked him which description is the truth, and he said "people and situations can change, there's jealousy issues on all sides" and started defending meta against accusations I wasn't making when they were things HE said to me.

I don't know where to go from here. I'm wondering what he's said about me to meta if this is the way he switches up on describing them/their relationship. How do I explain to him that I don't trust him? How does he earn that back? Do I even want to meet meta at this point? Is it a rejection if I don't, even if he's the one that caused the resentment? I'm lost here and can't articulate my thoughts properly. We're speaking about it tonight, I just need some perspective. Thank you all.

I started Lexapro a few weeks ago. My doctor upped my dose from 5mg to 10mg. I've been on 200mg of lamictal for 7 years, but I also struggle with OCD and the Lexapro is supposed to help (prozac was a miracle for me until it made my hair fall out in patches and spiked my liver functions). At first I didn't really feel anything, but now I just feel a general sense of numbness, aside from fleeting, intense bouts of self harm and/or suicidal ideation.

It's situational. I'm in two healthy relationships, but if one of my partners has to cancel plans or can't talk to me immediately because their other partner needs something, I'm immediately spiraling and thinking about harming myself. I worked for 10+ years in therapy to be able to have healthy relationships, and I can't tell if this is the relationship or the Lexapro. I have only ever felt this way before in highly abusive relationships, and that's not what this is. Has anyone else experienced this or something like it? I'm lost.

Boyfriend had to change our standing plans tonight last minute because meta said this morning that they need help with something so he has to be home early. I changed my work schedule for today already to accommodate the usual time/place, and now I have to travel an hour (it usually only takes 10 minutes) there to spend maybe 2 hours together and then take another hour to get home. I get up for work at 6am, and at the earliest I'll be home by 10:30 and still need to take care of my pets.

Last minute changes drive me crazy. I'm autistic and usually try to just go with the flow but we barely see each other and he has a lot going on so plans keep changing and I'm trying to be as flexible and accommodating as possible, but I know I can't hide that I'm upset/frustrated. I'm incapable of a poker face. He senses it even when I try to be neutral. I feel guilty for being upset but also can't stop being frustrated. That's it, just venting about scheduling and meta all of a sudden deciding they need help on the one night a week I get with him.

Edit: I cancelled the plans. Thank you all for the reality check of being a people pleaser.

Update: I laid out my expectations and boundaries to feel secure and prioritized in this relationship, and he received it very well. We got on the phone and planned out the entire month of June so we have solidified plans at a frequency we can both easily manage. Thank you all for the advice and perspective, I wouldn't have had the courage to speak up and make my needs known so firmly without it.

I kept seeing ads in the subway for an art exhibit where the paintings look like jellyfish. Does anyone know what I'm talking about?

He (M34) has a spouse (NB30s) and they live together. I (M29) live alone. When my bearded dragon was dying, he was my rock. Came to my house to be with me when she needed medicine and I was barely eating, and was in the room with me when I had to put her to sleep. His cat is sick, and he doesn't lean on me or really confide much in me. I feel more like I'm bothering him when I try to ask how he is or if he wants to talk. I'm deathly allergic to cats, and his spouse is strictly parallel with me (their choice), so I can't exactly go to his house to help. We've seen each other for a few hours in the last 3 weeks.

The idea that he's leaning on his spouse, even if it makes sense and it's a pet that they share, makes me incredibly envious. We've barely talked recently, and I don't even know how to help. I feel useless and shut out. He didn't answer his phone for 7 hours when I asked if he was ok (completely unlike him), and all I could think about was if something happened to him, I wouldn't even know. I guess it's bigger than the cat, now that I'm typing it out. We don't share any friends, and we live an hour apart. I don't trust that his spouse would inform me. Very much in my feelings these nights and feeling extremely guilty for even thinking about myself when he's going through something that I know takes such a toll on him.

TLDR; He leans on his spouse for support, and I wish he would lean on me too.