u/adviceporfavor123

How do I resolve feeling contempt for my partner regarding household responsibilities?

When we didn’t have kids we both worked. Since we have 2 kids under two we agreed it made sense for her to stay at home with the kids and I would continue working. She plans to go back to work as a teacher when they are in preschool

We have a great sex life and we still each others best friends. My contempt comes from the household stuff.
I already do the dishes, the laundry, fold the laundry and basically clean. When I get home I watch the kids for two hours and we often share feeding them and getting them ready for bed.
She cooks dinner once or twice a week. Half the time I get home the kids mess in the kitchen is still there from breakfast and lunch so I clean after dinner, I’m the only one who mops and vacuums. I don’t think she’s ever cleaned the bathroom.

It’s like pulling teeth. I’ve asked for help like, ‘ I’ll do the dishes if you put them away.’ Or ‘I’ll do the laundry if you fold it’ vice versa. I also do the yard.

I feel like when I’m exhausted/stressed/ busy at work 4-6x a year for a week or two the house just falls apart. I mean the kids are fine but everything is a mess. My wife has anxiety, depression and chronic migraines. She has weekly counseling. I just feel like she also uses the excuse I’m tired, I have a migraine, I’m emotionally exhausted.. way too much. They are valid things but I feel like I’m always picking up the pieces.

Work is exhausting to me and I love my family but it feels like the household stuff is exhausting too and I don’t get a break. Or she will see I’m busy then she will be considerate and stop emotionally unburdening on me or like finally empty the dishes and do the dishes once. Other than that it feels like it’s on me. When I’m overwhelmed or stressed I feel like I don’t get the same consideration. Or if I say, ‘hey this week at work is going to be really busy I could really use your help with household chores’ .. nothing changes or she will be considerate for a day or two then Complain to me how she’s tired and overwhelmed or like frustrated at me that she’s doing household stuff when I’m already having a hard time at work. Honestly if we could trade places I wouldn’t mind being home with the kids all day and taking care of things. I do that on the weekends or when I somehow have some days off.

tl;dr: how do I resolve contempt at my wife for feeling overburdened with most household chores and working full time while she’s at home with our two kids under two. I do all the chores, otherwise it’s pulling teeth. I help with kids in the evening and weekends. No support back for me when overwhelmed.