u/agreementloop184

How often does she cook and what does her cooking consist of? Like mostly from scratch? Frozen dinners (which I wouldn’t call that cooking but I would consider it providing a meal which is what I’m asking)?

Just trying to gauge how common/uncommon it is for a woman to have a traditional role in cooking and being a housemaker etc

Now before you think the worst…

So my husband has gout. He’s been having some flare ups lately and last night it was pretty bad to the point he needed assistance walking/ getting out of bed to use the restroom. I basically waited on him hand and foot - getting him whatever he needs the second he says it, helping him get up etc.

Well one of the times, he was trying to go to sleep and had no intention of getting up - laying down and eyes closed. So I got on my phone and started responding back to texts from my friend that she sent a few hours ago but I just now had time to respond to. Well a few times my husband reached out to me to touch/ caress my shoulder and arm. Of which I put my phone down (not off) and touched him back and kissed his hand. And then I went back on my phone.

Well I thought he was going to sleep since he needs to wake up early for work. But then he gets up to go to the restroom but I didn’t notice until he was up already, so I asked him if he needed help and he said no.

This is where he got upset. I will say: he did NOT want to talk about it because he said he knew it was no big deal at all. But anyway eventually: He said that he got his feelings hurt because usually I would jump out of bed and ask him if he needs help or say something like ‘oh I’m so sorry I was on my phone and didn’t notice you were getting up, do you need help??’

But instead I barely looked up from my phone and didn’t move and just asked if he needed help and he said it felt like he was just a second thought or even a hindrance to me in that moment.

Obviously I understand his perspective and I would feel the same way. I apologized and then he apologized and said that I spoil him so when things are different he takes it a certain way.

Well this morning I had plans to help him with work because of his gout but idk what happened somewhere along the lines I guess I offended him again this morning - I don’t know how or why or when or what, but he told me he doesn’t need my help anymore and I ‘can stay home’ and seemed distant. I kept asking him if he’s okay, and he said yes. I obviously didn’t want to keep asking him in the morning before he left so I dropped it.

I texted him when he left and he seems completely over last night so I guess somewhere this morning he got offended by my attitude. I’m not sure what it was.

As much as I understand where he’s coming from and I would feel the same way, it hurts my feelings when he has these thoughts because he is my whole world and I do everything for him. I know that’s also a problem/ can be a problem where people take that for granted and now expect that to be a baseline instead of something to be appreciative and grateful for.

We come from different backgrounds and a lot of the things he finds offensive and disrespectful: I don’t even think twice about. So for \*me\* it’s been a learning curve to understand what offends him, what makes him double think things etc etc. and what’s funny is that most of the time it’s the same thing that would also make me doubt or hurt my feelings a bit too - just no one has done it to me so I don’t have any direct experience being on the receiving end.

Anyway…. I don’t know. I feel like sometimes I’ve gotten good at understanding him and knowing what upsets him, and then other times I feel like everything I say and do comes across as unintentionally rude and hurtful or upsets him and I should know better.

EDIT to add context: we are both divorced. He came from a terrrrrrrible marriage where she did not care about him in the slightest: when he was sick she would get mad at the inconvenience etc (that type). I didn’t have near as long a marriage as him but I experienced similar just at a much shorter duration. So everything he does is a reminder of how lucky I am to have him. I guess it hurts me when it’s not reciprocated and he doesn’t see me like I see him. But from his perspective: I guess he DOES really value and care about the care I give him so it means more to him when there is a shift in change in my behavior and can bring up old insecurities etc. hence why he does get hurt by small things.

TLDR: I upset my husband by not putting him first when he needed me. We got over it but I somehow offended him again this morning.

So my boyfriend and I do have a bit of an age gap 10 years. I have always dated older men so this is not new to me. However I (guess?) I look younger than my age and my bf may look older than his age.

Whenever we go out and I’m dressed up, he occasionally gets guys asking him ‘what did he have to do to get me’ or say something about me to him when I get up to go to the RR. This can be at a bar or out in nightlife. And he says when I leave for a moment another guy usually starts talking to him about me. He always notices when other guys look at me when I walk by - which honestly I feel like most people do that instinctively, but I guess for him it’s something.

Obviously while I guess flattering on the surface, also just makes me feel like an object or that people really don’t see past my looks or that perhaps my whole self confidence lies in my looks…which is not a good feeling

However when I don’t dress up and have no makeup on, people in everyday life mistake me for his daughter despite us being COMPLETELY separate races (this has happened before with other bf’s so to me this isn’t really shocking but it is embarrassing).

The other day I went w him to get his license renewed and the lady there said it will be my turn soon (I thought she meant my license was expiring next) but then started talking about the driving tests for teens etc and that’s when I realized she’s talking about me getting my whole license…….. for the record I’m 30.

So men: would you feel embarrassed if people made comments about your girlfriend to you?

And also would you be embarrassed if people thought she was your daughter or otherwise a minor?

there’s obviously nothing I can do except hope and pray that my boyfriend doesn’t feel a type of way about it. I don’t really care because I don’t care what other people have to say and I’m kind of used to it to be honest. I just don’t want my boyfriend to be embarrassed. He made one comment early on that he ‘did think about people making assumptions such as that I’m with him for money or just judging our relationship’ ultimately he said he’ll learn not to care. I never brought it up again.
But does that mean he did care?! For the record: he has always dated people his age.