u/aita12367

i suspect i have autism because theres things about me that i cant really explain or i have trouble doing so. like making new friends, trying new things, why i get so attatched to a certain thing or person , especially people because ive been told im obessesive and weird and its with almost every relationship i have like if someone shows interest with me, i end up doing too much then losing it then lose myself and its a pattern. i also notice patterns in evverything and i have a unique way of thinking when i want to process emotions like in inside out, there's different emotions i have different voices that manage different emotions in my head. their names are persephone, rose, pinkie, athena, reverie and senette. if u want me to get into what they all do then i will. anyways, i also dont know what im feeling most of the time but i know the why, like if something happens im able to describe that and what it may make me do or how i react but the actual feeling.. im not sure of it most the time. i dont know .. i js know i spend a lot of time in my head and it makes me look like im angry or sad but im really just neutral and theres nothing wrong with me. but when i am angry or sad i dont wanna talk to people i just wanna listen to music and stuff.. i prefer being alone and working alone rather than in groups.. its hard for me to keep friends so thats why i dont have much rn and i usually observe people when im in a group setting rather than talking but i will respond if someone talks to me first. sometimes i dont understand what is expected of me because no one tells me and then i get punished for it and im just left hurt and confused. i remember having one friend when i was in pre-k, her name was vaneska and she was white with two front teeth missing and thats like the only friend i remember from when i was that young. and then in first grade i had one close friend, desiree . and then other people id js observe and speak when spoken to. i know this childhood stuff matters, but i cant remember much and if i do come to remember it comes in waves if that makes sense. my mom would be able to say more stuff but she doesnt believe i have any of this stuff and that its a bad thing and she dismissed it the last time i tried telling her. but my dad seemed more open to it. i told him sza has autism and he was surprisd, i told him when her song was playing and i was hinting js bc someone is not ur typical autistic person, it doesnt mean they cant have it. cus its a spectrum and whatknot. i usually feel invalid cus i know im not neurotypical.. i js know it i always feel something wrong and maybe thats why i wanted to end it all, because neurodivergent people usually think in black and white thinking its either all or nothing. in march or april i felt a lot of emotions so i thought why feel anything at all when i could be gone? i didnt rlly think it thru cus it would affect everyone around me and im not like that anymore i swear.. its also sum that comes in waves. i cry for no reason sometimes too. and like im very self aware so it may seem like im okay but i think thats just me masking it . i also stim a lot like i spin, go back n forth, kick my leg rapidly, and when i lay down i brush my foot with my other foot if that makes sense. and since i was young i always bit the inside of my mouth and this one time my dad noticed it when we were in the bathroom but ig he aint think much of it and i dont blame him. and my mom would notice the white cast itd leave but she'd think it was cus i didnt brush right and thats far from the truth. i js dont tell her. i wanna be able to tell them this stuff but im always scared of how they react and i wanna just avoid it.. and theres so much stuff i can write about how ive been over the years but i think this is enough for now... so heres the test score i did cus i feel they'd be relevent alongside this personal account . and mb its not like perfect. anyways:

\* AQ: 33/50 — just over the commonly used 32 threshold.
\* RAADS-R: 143/240 — substantially elevated.
\* Aspie Quiz: 143/200 — strongly weighted toward the neurodivergent end.
\* CAT-Q: 142/175 — this is very high.
\* TAS-20: 64/100 — elevated alexithymia traits.

so yea.. idk if any of these things point to autism automatically, but i feel its consistent enough for me to have a reasonable suspicion of having it. ive been researching this for months now

i suspect i have autism because theres things about me that i cant really explain or i have trouble doing so. like making new friends, trying new things, why i get so attatched to a certain thing or person , especially people because ive been told im obessesive and weird and its with almost every relationship i have like if someone shows interest with me, i end up doing too much then losing it then lose myself and its a pattern. i also notice patterns in evverything and i have a unique way of thinking when i want to process emotions like in inside out, there's different emotions i have different voices that manage different emotions in my head. their names are persephone, rose, pinkie, athena, reverie and senette. if u want me to get into what they all do then i will. anyways, i also dont know what im feeling most of the time but i know the why, like if something happens im able to describe that and what it may make me do or how i react but the actual feeling.. im not sure of it most the time. i dont know .. i js know i spend a lot of time in my head and it makes me look like im angry or sad but im really just neutral and theres nothing wrong with me. but when i am angry or sad i dont wanna talk to people i just wanna listen to music and stuff.. i prefer being alone and working alone rather than in groups.. its hard for me to keep friends so thats why i dont have much rn and i usually observe people when im in a group setting rather than talking but i will respond if someone talks to me first. sometimes i dont understand what is expected of me because no one tells me and then i get punished for it and im just left hurt and confused. i remember having one friend when i was in pre-k, her name was vaneska and she was white with two front teeth missing and thats like the only friend i remember from when i was that young. and then in first grade i had one close friend, desiree . and then other people id js observe and speak when spoken to. i know this childhood stuff matters, but i cant remember much and if i do come to remember it comes in waves if that makes sense. my mom would be able to say more stuff but she doesnt believe i have any of this stuff and that its a bad thing and she dismissed it the last time i tried telling her. but my dad seemed more open to it. i told him sza has autism and he was surprisd, i told him when her song was playing and i was hinting js bc someone is not ur typical autistic person, it doesnt mean they cant have it. cus its a spectrum and whatknot. i usually feel invalid cus i know im not neurotypical.. i js know it i always feel something wrong and maybe thats why i wanted to end it all, because neurodivergent people usually think in black and white thinking its either all or nothing. in march or april i felt a lot of emotions so i thought why feel anything at all when i could be gone? i didnt rlly think it thru cus it would affect everyone around me and im not like that anymore i swear.. its also sum that comes in waves. i cry for no reason sometimes too. and like im very self aware so it may seem like im okay but i think thats just me masking it . i also stim a lot like i spin, go back n forth, kick my leg rapidly, and when i lay down i brush my foot with my other foot if that makes sense. and since i was young i always bit the inside of my mouth and this one time my dad noticed it when we were in the bathroom but ig he aint think much of it and i dont blame him. and my mom would notice the white cast itd leave but she'd think it was cus i didnt brush right and thats far from the truth. i js dont tell her. i wanna be able to tell them this stuff but im always scared of how they react and i wanna just avoid it.. and theres so much stuff i can write about how ive been over the years but i think this is enough for now... so heres the test score i did cus i feel they'd be relevent alongside this personal account . and mb its not like perfect. anyways:

* AQ: 33/50 — just over the commonly used 32 threshold.
* RAADS-R: 143/240 — substantially elevated.
* Aspie Quiz: 143/200 — strongly weighted toward the neurodivergent end.
* CAT-Q: 142/175 — this is very high.
* TAS-20: 64/100 — elevated alexithymia traits.

so yea.. idk if any of these things point to autism automatically, but i feel its consistent enough for me to have a reasonable suspicion of having it. ive been researching this for months now

sometimes it feel as if i dont have any friends cus like i cant think of one person i could reach out to just to talk without feeling annoying besides frm my bf . and there was this one hb but over time i realized we dont talk unless i text first and thats how it is with evb else too. its kind of lonely not having people to speak to who would reciprocate my energy, maybe im weird maybe im the problem but its been months now and nothings changed. it js makes me rlly sad . like evb has their own friend groups and i dont fit in w them so i js stay in my lane but its so freakin lonely yo.. like who will i sit w at lunch or even talk to? i dont like myself because of this. why dont i have friends. i just feel like a loser and that hurts really bad.