I’ve received a bunch of messages about my experience as a healing FA and individuals wanting to know if their partner is an FA or why they did what they did. I’ve been repeating a lot of stuff so I thought it’d be better to just make a guide! This post is extremely long because I wanted to get as in-depth as I possibly can.

Here is the Google doc if you want better navigation through sections.

GOOGLE DOC

A couple things to know before we start 
- I am an individual human. My experiences, culture, childhood, and trauma is completely different from someone else’s. What may be my thought process or how I handle things may be completely different from another FA or someone’s FA partner. This is MY experience. 

- Attachment styles are not the end all be all and cannot explain every behavior. Their behavior could very well be from attachment but they also could just not be that into you. 

- I am an individual with a HEAVY growth mindset and that has been since I was young. I’ve always wanted to better myself. If someone doesn’t have this sort of mindset or isn’t this type of person it’s going to be a lot less likely that they will change. 

- It is extremely helpful to keep in mind you cannot get someone to change. You can send them this post and even make them read it, but only they can put in the work to care to fix it.

- THIS GUIDE IS FOR UNDERSTANDING BEHAVIOR, NOT CONTROLLING IT. Do not get upset with me if you approach in a way that I have detailed and you do not get the same response. Again, we are NOT A HIVE MIND. You know your partner much better than I do. I suggest taking them into account and using your best judgement. I will NOT tolerate or engage with individuals who come at me like “I did this, you said it would fix it but it only made it worse! You ruined my relationship.”

- THIS GUIDE IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR FAS TO BE ASSHOLES. If your FA is being rude, manipulative, or abusive, you HAVE to set boundaries. Do not tolerate behavior. You can understand why they’re doing what they’re doing without condoning it. 

- IT IS NOT YOUR JOB AS A PARTNER TO MANAGE THEIR EMOTIONS OR REGULATE FOR THEM. You do not need to baby them or walk on eggshells. They are ADULTS and should act like ADULTS. They will need to do the work to regulate, it is not on you to do this.

- I’m happy to answer questions or help out but I am not a therapist and I don’t want to be yours. I’m happy to give some back and forth but I do not want to be a regular source of emotional support for you. I highly advise to work with your therapist or lean on your support systems.

-I’ll be heavily monitoring this post and if I see a lot of common questions I will update the post. I will also respond to any and all comments and messages when I’m able to, as I have a full time job.

- This guide took a LOT of time for me to put together. I am very aware the sub I posted to and understand a lot of you are hurt by DA or FA exes. Please respect that I’m a person. I am not your ex, I did not personally harm you, so I would appreciate if you stayed civil with me in the comments. I’m genuinely doing this to help others.

——
A quick about me
You can call me Dingo. I’m female, 30, and have had over 15 years of being in therapy. The first 14 years was CBT and DBT focused. The most influential towards my healing has been IFS, Parts Work and EMDR. It vastly helps that my therapist is also a FA. 

My main trauma is that I am adopted from China. I was abandoned as a newborn baby on the side of a very busy road and then put in an orphanage that had no running water and had dozens of other babies. This was at the height of China’s one child policy. I shared a crib mate because there was little space for each baby to have their own crib. My caretakers were stretched thin taking care of so many babies that my care was very inconsistent. I had a foster home before being adopted by my American family at 11 months old. 

I’ve been through multiple relationships including a divorce and I describe myself as very self aware. I think context is really important when it comes to behaviors. 

Now to get into it. 
——

What is fearful avoidance?

Fearful avoidant attachment, also known as disorganized attachment, is an insecure attachment style characterized by a strong desire for emotional closeness combined with an intense fear of intimacy and rejection. This internal conflict often results in a "push-pull" dynamic in relationships, where individuals may seek connection but withdraw when they feel vulnerable. This style typically stems from inconsistent or traumatic childhood experiences with caregivers who were a source of both safety and fear. 

Fearful avoidance affects 5-7% of the population and is considered the rarest of the attachment styles. 

What caused it?

For me, early abandonment trauma from birth/adoption. Exasperated heavily by divorce and relationships with DAs. (Yes, I’ve also experienced being with DAs and it sucks) 

Fearful avoidant beliefs

I am broken. I will always be abandoned by those close to me. Love is painful and untrustworthy. I will always be hurt by people close to me. People will always let me down. I am not worthy of love. I must always be in control. Uncertainty and lack of control is scary. Love and vulnerability is terrifying. 

Common fearful avoidant traits

FAs showcase both anxious AND avoidant behaviors.

These are some common ones 
- clingy one day and completely disinterested the next
- extremely hot and cold behavior 
- leaving partners with emotional whiplash 
- multiple breakups (often initiated by the FA), with them also coming back very soon after 
- guilt, shame, feeling as though they aren’t “good enough” 
- self sabotaging 
- being mean during fights or breakup conversations 
- pushing people away 
- flighty behavior 
- trust issues 
- hyper vigilance 
- emotional volatility
- inconsistent behavior or behavior not aligning with words
- issues with setting boundaries, following boundaries, or respecting others boundaries 
- difficulty regulating emotions 
- “testing” you to see if you’ll fight 
- All or nothing thinking

I often describe myself as a cat who begs to go outside and then when you put them outside they immediately want to come back inside. Then you let them inside only for them to beg to go outside again. 

What’s the difference between fearful avoidant and dismissive avoidant?

FAs show a lot more back and forth and volatility. I’d describe DAs as a light switch flipping off, and FAs as a kid playing with the light switch by rapidly turning it on and off. 

While not all breakups happen this exact way, I see DA breakups like “everything is perfect until it suddenly isn’t” whereas I see more FAs breakups are “everything is perfect until it suddenly isn’t and then it’s back to being perfect and then it’s back again to something is wrong.” 

I do not see a lot of DAs return at all after a breakup. I do see FAs return sometimes multiple times. 

FAs show BOTH traits so during their anxious sides they can relate to many APs with anxiety over not texting back enough, asking for constant reassurance, worried that they’re too much, etc. 

FA fears

Anxious side
If I need too much, I will be abandoned. If I voice my needs I will be abandoned. If I voice my needs I will be shut down and rejected and will be forced to leave. I am too much. 

Avoidant side
I will be trapped / overwhelmed if I’m too close. I will lose my autonomy, my independence, control, and myself. Life is easier if I were alone. I am deeply broken and I hurt everyone I love. I am not enough. 

Deactivation and Dysregulation

What is deactivation? 
Deactivation is an attachment-based nervous system response where the system tries to turn down connection, feeling, and attachment in order to feel safe.
It is not a conscious choice, and it is not the same as clarity, loss of love, or emotional maturity even though it can feel like those things in the moment. 

Sadness, grief, anger, are all emotions. Even if they’re negative they’re still there. Deactivation means there’s no emotions at ALL. I’m not happy, I’m not sad, I’m not angry at you, I just feel nothing at all. For those who are familiar with coding, it’s not a 0, it’s a null. Another example is the majority of people can see black, and black is a color. Completely blind people see nothing at all. 

What is dysregulation? 
Dysregulation is when the nervous system is overloaded and instead of shutting down to feel safe, anger and defense mechanisms are used to create distance and feel safe. I often kind of “black out” where there’s 0 logic going into anything and all my actions are controlled purely by emotion. This often shows up as emotional volatility. Oftentimes I will say things I regret later after I come out of it. It can often feel like being overwhelmed and overstimulated. I refer to this as “above threshold.” There’s not a single trigger that sends me over the threshold, it’s usually multiple triggers in a short amount of time with little space to regulate in between, unless the trigger is something large like cheating.

Triggers for deactivation

- When my emotional needs are not met 
- When I don’t feel safe with the person 
- After experiencing deep emotional connection or realization that I actually love you
- Emotional exposure or vulnerability
- Feeling criticized or overly judged 
- Feeling trapped or smothered 
- Feeling like I’m not understood, heard, important, loved, or prioritized
- Betrayal 
- Empty or broken promises
- If I take accountability for my actions and they don’t take accountability for theirs
- Being shut down when communicating my needs
- Feeling like I’m too much 
- Being labeled “too emotional”
- Feeling like I’m too emotional 
- Feeling misunderstood
- Needing reassurance and not receiving it or being rejected after asking
- Partner shutting down, stonewalling, or saying “I don’t know”, “I don’t know what you want me to say”, “It’s not that big of a deal”, “You’re blowing this out of proportion.” 
- Feeling responsible for regulating someone else’s emotions
- Conflict without repair
- Inconsistency 
- Intimacy followed by emotional distance
- Dishonesty
- Change in communication pattern
- Canceling or changing plans last minute

What am I like when I’m deactivated or dysregulated?

Shut down - Numb, empty, disinterested, indifferent (often deactivation)
Low energy to communicate, disinterested in partner’s life and inner world, indifferent to their needs, brain does not think about partner and the relationship feels like it never happened. To others it may seem like I’m cold, unempathetic, and don’t care about your needs. You’re now a stranger in my mind. 
“I don’t care.”
“Do whatever you want.”
“Ok.”
“Whatever.”
“If you want”

Angry - Irritated, resentful, hurt (tightrope, depending on what happens after could send me above threshold or keep me below )
Defensive, all energy is put towards not saying something mean or doing something out of anger. To others it seems like I hate you or despise you. You are now an enemy in my mind. 
“I hate you.”
“I will hurt you.”
“I did x for you, and you can’t even do y.”
“This person is annoying.”
“I don’t know why / I regret even doing x for you”

Annoyed - Nitpicking, hyperfixation on flaws and incompatibility, invalidating earlier feelings, confusion (low levels of dysregulation below threshold)
Brain will do everything in its power to give reasons and justify leaving or pulling away from trigger, second guessing if I even love my partner,
“I actually really don’t like xyz about you.”
“I can’t actually deal with x.”
“Your sudden xyz is actually annoying and disgusting to me.”
“I don’t actually care about you, I only thought I did because of xyz.”
“Do I actually even love them?”
“This relationship is not healthy for xyz”
“I don’t want to be with someone who xyz”

How to get out of a deactivation period

1. Predictable, steady behavior

Do
- Avoid sudden changes in tone, affection, or availability.
- Keep small promises they matter more than grand gestures.
- Avoid double messages like “I love you” one minute and coldness the next
- Over communicate. If you will be gone or unavailable letting me know you will be is paramount. “I will be busy for x hours.” “Work is getting crazy, I won’t be able to respond.” 

Don’t
- Change plans last minute without notice.
- Send hot/cold signals (e.g., affectionate one day, cold the next).
- Act inconsistently in emotional responses.

Why
Fearful avoidants’ nervous systems are wired to anticipate rejection or unpredictability. Predictability signals that closeness is safe.
——————
2. Non-pressuring communication

Do
- Let them come to you, while staying emotionally present.
- Give them space to engage at their pace.
- Use neutral statements of presence.
- Offer options instead of demands.

Don’t
- Send repeated texts demanding attention.
- Ask “Why aren’t you talking to me?” aggressively.
- Try to force emotional responses or explanations.

Why
Pressure triggers the avoidant part of their system—deactivation, numbness, withdrawal.

Example
“I see you’re quiet or need space. I love you, I’m here for you if you need it. I’m happy to listen to you vent or listen to your problems, and I promise I’ll take them seriously.”
————-
3. Validation without judgment

Do
- Acknowledge feelings are real without trying to “fix” or debate them
- Reflect understanding 

Don’t 
- Minimize (“It’s not a big deal” “You’re overreacting” “This is being blown out of proportion.”) or over-analyzing.
-Criticize their response (“You’re being dramatic”).
- Analyze or debate their feelings.

Why
Fearful avoidants often feel shame for their needs. Validation communicates that it’s safe to feel.

Example
“I understand that you’re feeling (hurt, overwhelmed, unprioritized, unloved, unheard, misunderstood) and it makes a lot of sense. I’m here to listen and to understand.” 
—-
4. Gentle consistency in affection

Do
- Offer physical or verbal reassurance without forcing it.
- Give them choice in how and when to engage

Don’t
- Force closeness. They feel trapped if they can’t control proximity.
- Grab, demand, or corner them physically.

Why
It shows you are available without being threatening.

Example
“Would you like a hug?” “I would like to kiss you, is that okay?” “I love you (said calmly)” “Can I gush over you?”
————
5. Autonomy and choice

Do
- Allow them to choose closeness and timing.
- Give room for independent decisions.

Don’t
- Use ultimatums (“Talk to me or I’m done”).
- Make them feel trapped in conversation or relationship.

Why
Fearful avoidants fear engulfment. Autonomy = safety.

Example
“I love you, and I’m happy to talk now or when you need. I’m also open x,y,z. When would work best for you?”
————-
6. Calm, regulated presence

Do
- Maintain steady tone and body language. Your emotional state is a cue for them. 
- Check your own anxiety before approaching.

Don’t
- Flood them with panic or emotional intensity.
- Yell, blame, or lecture.

Why
Nervous systems are contagious. Calmness invites them to regulate rather than deactivating.

Example
Slow tone, measured words, steady body language, consistent communication and affection
————
7. Clear boundaries paired with care

Do
- Communicate limits clearly but gently. Firm but kind.
- Pause the conversation if needed with a plan to return.

Mean what you say!! Stick to these boundaries. If you tell them that you will remove yourself from the conversation if you’re being yelled at, then DO THAT. The only way FAs will learn their behavior is unacceptable is to face consequences. This doesn’t necessarily mean breaking up, but it does mean holding them accountable. They will trample over you otherwise. 

Don’t
- Leave boundaries ambiguous.
- Be harsh, punitive, or cold when enforcing them. - Ambiguous boundaries trigger fear. Harsh or rejecting boundaries trigger panic.

Example
(if they start getting dysregulated and mean) “Listen, I love you and I can tell you are upset. I would like to listen and understand how you are feeling, but I will not be yelled at. If you continue to yell at me or call me names, I will remove myself from the conversation and we can talk again when this conversation can be more respectful.”

Why
Boundaries = structure, predictability, and protection for both of us. Unkept boundaries will reward dysregulation and anxiety. Healthy, kind, and understanding boundary setting will show a good example to an FA. 
————-
8. Reassurance without overcompensation

Do
- Give occasional, calm reassurance.
- Be consistent without overwhelming them
- Continue to tell me how much you love me and care about me and how we’re a team
- Reassure in a calculated way that feels like I’m being understood

Don’t
- Reassure impulsively in a panic
- Generic reassurance

Why
Fearful avoidants need proof they matter. More reassurance is better than none, but quality beats quantity. 

Example
“I care about you, and I’m not going anywhere. You mean so much to me.” 
————
9. Timing & Repair

Do
- Provide space for them to resurface after deactivation with small and consistent check-ins here and there. 
- Address issues gently when they are regulated.
- Focus on one topic at a time, checklist style.
- Repair by providing options

Don’t
- Bring up everything at once.
- Rehash past deactivation aggressively.

Why
Timing and repair are important. Timing is important because it can either continue deactivation or help to repair. Repair is important because without it it spikes the same fear that you will never pull through and I cannot rely on you.

Example
“How are you feeling today? Is there anything I can help with, or do you need more space? I’m here to listen if you need it.”

“I love you, and I’m happy you told me more about your needs and your feelings. Your feelings matter to me, and I’d like to try and reconnect. Would you like me to (come over, buy you something, talk on discord, play a game together, etc.)?” 

Protest behaviors

What are protest behaviors? 
When the need for connection isn’t being met and it doesn’t feel safe asking for it directly, the nervous system protests in an effort to regain control and connection. “I’ll do something to force a response.” By the time a protest behavior happens, a lot of things have had to go wrong first.

Common protest behaviors

- Repeated reassurance-seeking
- Long emotional texts or over-explaining
- Rehashing the same issue hoping for comfort
- Heightened emotional expression
- Threatening to leave to see if they’ll fight
- Breaking up impulsively
- Monitoring response time
- Withdrawing communication 
- Going emotionally cold
- Breadcrumbing
- Saying “I’m fine” when you’re not
- Withholding affection
- Creating space instead of asking for reassurance
- Disappearing to regulate alone
- Becoming hyper-independent
- Being harsh with words / unhealthy expression of anger
- Having spiteful behaviors
- Flip flopping from hot to cold 
- Avoiding expressing how I truly feel or what I need
- Acting with contempt
- Being rude and condescending
- Emotional volatility
- Ending things to regain control (conversation, relationship, dates, etc.)
- Reaching out → regretting it → pulling away
- Asking for closeness → feeling suffocated by it
- Wanting reassurance → feeling ashamed for needing it
- Testing connection instead of stating needs

Common (my) protest behaviors and underlying needs

1. Replies are brief, unemotional, logical

Doing in hopes that my partner 
- Notices something is wrong
- Feels the impact of their behavior
- Re-engages or offer reassurance without having to ask

Needs
Reassurance
“Do I still matter to you?”

Being noticed
“Can you see that I’m hurting?”

Emotional responsiveness
“Will you meet me where I am?”

Repair without exposure
“Can you come toward me without me having to beg?”

Safety in vulnerability
“I don’t feel safe being open unless you show you care.”

Feelings associated
Little to no guilt or shame associated. Self rewarding. Very hard to come out of. 

How to deal with it
If there are no outstanding arguments, continue to be neutral, kind, and loving. If there’s an outstanding argument or thing we need to “talk” about, reassure me that it matters and we will talk about it. Give specific time.

“I understand you’re probably (overwhelmed / hurt / feeling unprioritized. I love you and your feelings matter to me. I’d love to talk about this when you’re ready or we can talk about it on (Wednesday / tomorrow / after work, etc). I promise we will work things out.” 
—————-
2. Reaching out to people I know I shouldn’t (exes, backups, emotionally unsafe connections) 

Doing so to
- See if someone will meet my needs
- Prove to myself I’m wanted
- Regain a sense of power or worth
- Signal to my partner (implicitly or explicitly) that they’re replaceable
- “Punish” my partner for not showing up

Needs
Validation
“Am I still desirable / important?”

Reassurance of worth
“Do I matter if you won’t show up?”

Emotional responsiveness
“Someone please meet me emotionally.”

Reciprocity
“If you won’t try, I’ll see if someone else will.”

Restoring agency
“I don’t want to feel powerless or unwanted.”

Protection from abandonment
“I need a safety net if you disappear.”

Feelings associated
**A large amount of guilt and shame is associated. Especially afterwards. I battle against this one the hardest but I also am most aware of it. If I’m under threshold I can manage this relatively easily. I try to meet my own needs first before reaching out to others. If this protest behavior happens it’s because I’m over threshold. 

**I wrote this at the beginning of my healing journey. Since I’m more healed this is not a problem at all and I never do this anymore

How to deal with it
Do not accept or tolerate this behavior. If they threaten to go back to an ex, get on hinge, etc and that is a hard boundary for you then voice this and stick to your boundaries. Do not let them walk all over you or excuse them for this behavior. 

“Baby, I understand you felt like you had to get some emotional comfort from xyz, but returning to an ex is a hard boundary for me. I need someone that is willing to work out problems with me, not bring in other people. Because of this, I think it is best we do not continue seeing each other.” 
—————-
3. Desire to be mean, passive aggressive, or to lash out

Doing in hopes that
- It makes my partner feel the pain I’m feeling
- I regain a sense of power or dignity
- Forces my partner to acknowledge they hurt me
- I stop feeling invisible, dismissed, or small

Needs
Acknowledgment of hurt
“Do you see what you did to me?”

Justice / accountability
“My pain matters and has impact.”

Protection of self-respect
“I won’t keep being the one who absorbs this.”

Being taken seriously
“Please stop minimizing or ignoring me.”

Emotional safety
“I don’t feel safe being soft right now.”

Boundary restoration
“Something here feels unfair or one-sided.”

Feelings associated
A large amount of guilt, shame, anger, grief associated. I know I’m not someone who likes being mean and I understand that I may say something I regret. I usually don’t ever get to this spot, but if I do it’s after multiple perceived slights or after a very large betrayal. 

I also get angry at myself for staying, explaining, trusting, or hoping my needs would be met. Feeling like I didn’t have boundaries, overgiving and under receiving. Grief that gentler bids didn’t work and that I had to resort to being mean for someone to understand. 

How to deal with it 
If I’ve reached this stage you are way too far gone. The best thing to do is apologize profusely and with an apology that means something. It is paramount to be solution based and take full accountability. Anything less or different will result in things getting monumentally worse. Indifference is easy to get out of but anger, contempt and resentment will ruin the relationship. It must be saved immediately. You must go above and beyond and take initiative to reconnect and re-establish trust.

DO NOT absolve them of being mean or lashing out. You do not need to just take this. 

“Baby I am so sorry I did (behavior / action). It makes me feel (feelings) that I hurt you by (behavior / action). I’m sure you feel (feelings), and I completely understand. I take your pain very seriously. I’m going to (action to make up for it).”

“Baby I am so sorry that I (forgot about our plans). It makes me feel (awful) that I hurt you by (letting you down). I’m sure you feel (disappointed), and I completely understand. I take your pain very seriously. I’m going to (make sure that next time I set an alarm so I remember.)”

“I understand you are upset. I am so sorry I forgot about our plans, it makes me feel awful that I let you down. I will promise to do better in the future. While you have every right to be upset I will not tolerate (being called names, manipulation, being passive aggressive). If I do something that upsets you bring it up in a productive and kind way or I will leave the conversation.”
—————
4. Attempting to break up or actually breaking up

I do when I feel
- Emotionally overwhelmed
- Feeling unseen or dismissed or not understood
- Hopelessness that needs will be met
- Shame for having needs, overgiving and under receiving, feeling unbalanced, feeling lack of trust or safety
- Uncertain. I want to relieve the pain by ending the uncertainty

Doing in hopes my partner will
- Finally take me seriously
- Fight for the relationship
- Show urgency, care, or accountability 

Needs
Relief from emotional pain
“I can’t keep feeling this way.”

Urgency and prioritization
“Please show me I matter now.”

Reassurance of being chosen
“Will you fight for me?”

Consistency and safety
“I need to know this won’t keep happening.”

Emotional reciprocity
“I can’t be the only one trying.”

Restoration of dignity
“I won’t keep begging to be seen.”

Emotional regulation through distance
“This is so much right now. I have to get away. The only way I know how is to break up”

A need to escape chronic uncertainty
A need to end the push–pull, one way or another

Repeated attempts means that
- The needs are real, reasonable, and consistently unmet
- The system doesn’t yet trust that needs can be expressed and responded to safely

Feelings associated
Intense and immediate desire to run. Feels like the entire relationship or you yourself is dangerous and unsafe. When done, an immense relief being “free” as well as complete emotional shutdown and deactivation. 

How to deal with it
If threatening a breakup during a fight, it’s best to ask them if this is something they really have thought about or if it’s because they’re feeling overwhelmed. It would be best to tell them that you would like for them to think about it. Allow them space, even a couple days. If you offer space do NOT pressure them before the time. The point is to let their nervous system calm down so they are coming from a much more stable place and not one of dysregulation.

“Hey, thank you for telling me your concerns. They do mean a lot to me. If it’s okay I’d like to take some time for us to both think about it. I’ll give you some space, and I will text/call/check up in a couple days. If you still feel breaking up at that time is the right choice then I will respect that decision.”

Make sure if you offer this to actually follow it. Don’t contact sooner if you told them a couple days. Don’t go longer than a couple days if you promised a couple days. It is important to promise and reassure to come back. If they do still feel like breaking up then you will need to respect that decision.

If they come back, you decide if you want to take them back or not. It’s advised if you do take them back to let them know that you understand they’re upset, but you will not tolerate threatening a break up or breaking up just because they’re dysregulated. It is paramount that you do not let them get away with this behavior. 

If they attempt to break up because “you deserve better” tell them that you have autonomy, and that they should not he breaking up or making decisions because of you. If they’re going to break up it should solely be their decision.

“I understand that you feel I deserve better but you need to trust that I do want to be in this relationship. I am a person with my own autonomy. Do not break up for me. If you are going to end the relationship end it because YOU want to, not because you think it’s better for me.”
—————-
5. Showing actively or performatively that you do not matter

Behavior manifests as 
- Proving I’m fine without you
- Proving I don’t need you
- Showing I don’t need you
- Showing I’m thriving, detached, unbothered

Done through
- Emotional coldness
- Independence signaling
- Moving on quickly (or appearing to)
- Minimizing your importance
- “I’m good either way” energy
- Not returning bids for affection

Needs 
Self-worth protection
“I won’t beg to matter.”

Restoring power and balance
“I don’t want to feel like the one who cares more.”

Reassurance without vulnerability
“Please see my value without me having to ask.”

Relief from dependency shame
“Needing you feels dangerous.”

Safety from rejection
“If I act unaffected, you can’t hurt me.”

Being chosen freely
I want you to want me—not feel obligated.

Feelings associated
Anger, extreme amount of hurt.

How to deal with it 
Depending on the behavior, you’ll want to make sure you understand what went wrong or why they feel like you don’t care about them to reassure them. If this is behavior after you broke up or whatever, do NOT engage with them. Continue to focus on yourself and keep your boundaries.

Healing

What has helped me heal
At the root of the problem is childhood trauma. The best way to start healing is to get into therapy. DBT and CBT are good for practicing emotional regulation, but if you do not address the actual source it will take longer to heal. For treating the problem at the source, IFS, parts work and EMDR has helped me a ton as well as working on my codependent behaviors. Being truly okay with being alone has also helped quite a bit. 

How can I convince them to heal? 
You can’t. You cannot force anyone to do anything. You can set a good example, show them that you are a safe and secure place, but if they do not realize they have a problem or do not want to fix it they won’t. You can gently bring up FA and attachment stuff but do not be surprised or hurt if they do not care to heal or don’t recognize their part. I had to have several “aha” moments to get where I am today and those were not given to me, I found them myself. Only you can decide if you want to continue seeing an unhealed FA. I wouldn’t recommend it. 

What are signs that my FA is healed or healing? 
I do want to preface that while I was self-aware and healed enough to make this guide, I am still nowhere near healed. I have a LOT of more work to do. This work takes a very, very long time and it is very difficult. Do not expect them to change behaviors or patterns overnight. 

- Healthy communication 
- Showing they’re attempting to emotionally regulate (I can tell I’m dysregulated. I’d like to take a 30 minute break so I can regulate) 
- Knowledge of their triggers, and being able to realize when they have been triggered 
- Knowledge of their own emotions. They are able to tell you they feel shut down.
- Sitting with discomfort in a healthy way. If they stay present during difficult conversations, or fight the urge to run they are sitting in discomfort. 
- They show proper regulation techniques like deep breaths, holding ice, box breathing, or any other healthy habits for emotional regulation 
- They are in therapy regularly 
- They take accountability 
- They admit they have a problem and have an authentic desire to fix it 
- They are aware of or have knowledge of attachment styles and their own attachment style 
- They are open to constructive criticism and are able to be called out on their unacceptable behaviors without getting overly defensive or making excuses 
- They show they are doing or have done research on their own
- Their actions match their words 
- They are able to sit with your emotions and are able to validate and hold space for you. 

FAQ

How long does it take for you to come out of deactivation?
It depends on the trigger / core wound that was touched on. If I deactivated because I felt pushed, pressured, or because I felt like I was asking too much or had a need that wasn’t met that I can meet myself, I usually need the dust to settle and with the right combination of communication and boundaries I can come out of it. “Quickly” would be a couple hours to a full day. 

If I deactivated because trust in my partner and safety was challenged then it can take days to weeks to months or never depending on what happened. During that time I’ll be increasingly hypervigilant and any small mistake will stack up against you potentially increasing the deactivation behaviors into dysregulation or prolonging the time I’m deactivated. I was recently in a dysregulated state for a week and a deactivation period that lasted a whole month. 

When you’re deactivated and I need reassurance, how can I ask it without triggering you?
I’m happy to give reassurance whenever through talking or words as long as I’m given a reason or feeling behind it. “Hey baby I need reassurance” will be met with “I don’t really care. Handle it on your own.” whereas “Hey baby, I need reassurance, x makes me feel y, and z will make me feel loved and cared for.” will get you a response from me. 

I will shut down if you ask to meet immediately or spend time together if I’m not wanting to. If you need me to be there for you physically then you will need to ask to set a date or time (“Hey, we haven’t seen each other in a while. Can we see each other within the week?” 

What would make you stop questioning the relationship or being so wishy washy about us?
Trust, consistency, security, safety. I cannot have good feelings about you if I don’t feel safe. Once I feel you’re safe and reliable only then can I feel safe to have deep feelings about you. 

What makes an apology feel real to you?
Validation and understanding of the problem  “I understand you’re hurt / frustrated / sad / angry because xyz” 

Accountability “I realize I abc and I am sorry for that. I should have done xyz.”

Commitment to change with an actual plan / actionable items. “From here on out I will abc by xyz.” 

What should I never do during conflict, even if I feel justified?
Manipulate, gaslight, make me feel crazy, make me feel like my reality is not justified or real, make me feel like my emotions are not important. You have to be extremely careful with your words or warn me that you may not be the best at communicating right now. 

“This has been blown out of proportion.” -> Better to say “I think there was a misunderstanding.” 

What has been the most helpful behavior a partner has done for you? 
Being able to show me you can take care of yourself and be alone aka being secure. 
Voicing boundaries and sticking to them. 
Not letting me get away with harmful or hurtful behaviors. If you cannot have boundaries and enforce them, I will (subconsciously) walk all over you. 

What made you finally want to heal?
After becoming aware of my attachment style and truly understanding that my failed relationships are because I have not healed. I found someone I really wanted to keep and he was patient, understanding, loving, but firm. After I broke up with him a couple times he said “I understand you’re working on your attachment patterns but if you break up with me again it will be the last time. I will not put up with this behavior.” When I finally recognized “oh shit, he’s serious.” I kicked my ass into gear and went fully into healing. 

Why don’t they understand I’m here for them? Why do they push me away? 
They do understand you’re there for them. It can trigger shame to them because they know you’re a good partner, and they are not. They know they’re broken, and they would rather not be a burden on you or “make you deal with their shit”. You cannot do anything to help them with this. They need to learn how to deal with shame and work on self esteem. 

Why are they so mean? Why did they treat me that way? That was so uncharacteristic of them. 
Unhealed FAs operate solely off of emotion and their nervous system. They feel like you are going to betray them, reject them, or harm them in some way, and they try attacking first to protect themselves from future disappointment.  It’s a defense and protective mechanism that is subconscious. In their mind you aren’t rejecting or leaving them if they’re the ones doing the pushing away. It’s regaining what they feel is a loss of control. 

Did they ever really love me? Was it all a lie? 
Yes, they most likely did love you. Their survival piece is just too strong. This is all they know, this is what they default to. 

Is there any way to get them back? 
Maybe. This is so partner dependent. I promise you though you do not want them back in an unhealed state. Unhealed FAs are not going to be good partners. End of story. 

Did you ever feel bad or apologize for what you did during those periods or how you treated someone? 
I absolutely do feel bad for the harm I’ve caused once I knew and started healing. Unhealed, I only felt bad and ashamed if I said something mean or broke up impulsively. If I broke up with you not impulsively I usually entered deactivation soon after and didn’t feel bad at all. 

I apologized when I could if I felt apologizing would not cause further harm. This is only healed me, though as I’m able to sit in discomfort and potential pain of my partner. Unhealed you may not get an apology especially if shame is involved as they may feel reaching out to apologize would be “hurting you more” “causing you more pain” or “bringing you back into something” 

It’s extremely frustrating for them to say “you’re too good for me” “I can’t give you what you need” or “you deserve better”. Why can’t they just be better?
I get this is incredibly frustrating. I’ve had this done to me so I understand. In their mind they genuinely feel that they do not deserve your love or “how good you are to them” because in their mind they are broken and unworthy of love. It is shame based. 

They cannot just “be better”. Being better requires an amount of self awareness, desire, and capacity to do extremely hard work to change. I only started changing when I realized I was the problem and I was sick and tired of failed relationships. I only changed when I wanted to.