u/alivingstereo

So I (29F) have been with my partner (33M) for 4 years now. Before him, I had experienced a lot of BDSM, while he was more vanilla, but slowly we started to do more BDSM-y things, respecting his own pace. I've always liked to be submissive, and we explored that through shibari courses and so on. But something was still a bit weird, and I noticed that he wasn't fully comfortable being dominant. So I suggested us to switch, even though I never actually have been dominant before. It's working quite well, but it's not the mainstream domination in which I directly tell him what to do, and he does it. It's through... manipulation (consensual, of course). A non sexual example here: I ask him to get me water, then he says something like 'i'm busy', which prompts me to make a big cute eyes face (think puss in boots) and he immediately does it for me. We've been exploring this during sex as well. It's almost like 'soft domination' (?) like we all know I'm being the dominant here, but it's not direct. He says it turns him on to do everything he can to please me, and I'm loving it because it doesn't feel too dominant either. Is there a name for this dom/sub subtype? I'd love to learn more.

Oi, pessoal. Não é bem um problema de imigração, entendo que é um problema muito mais "meu" e da minha dinâmica familiar do que tudo. Mas, na esperança de ter alguém com problemas parecidos aqui, cá estou.

Seguinte, eu e meu marido somos brasileiros, mas ele é de SP capital e eu de Salvador. Nos conhecemos em Londres. Normalmente, dividimos o tempo no Brasil 50/50 em cada cidade. Dessa vez, ficamos todos os dias em Salvador e trouxemos a família dele para turistar aqui. Enfim, acontece que, mais uma vez, eu me sinto mais cansada nas férias no Brasil do que trabalhando em Londres.

Eu gosto muito do Brasil, mas é tanta coisa pra fazer aqui que eu sinto que preciso de férias das férias. É dentista, é levar a sogra ao médico (senão ela não vai, enfim...), é visitar sei lá quem, é resolver burocracia. Mal sobra tempo para ir pra praia, que é o que eu realmente AMO fazer quando estou em Salvador. Em SP é ainda pior, pois a cidade é muito muito muito difícil para locomoção e cada rolê demora +1h pra chegar. Eu não contei para as amizades que estaria em Salvador, com exceção do meu melhor amigo, pois eu já sabia que ia ser difícil ver todo mundo (e eu quero!!!!). Eu sei que a resposta é aprender a dizer "não" para todas essas funções e já tenho dito para algumas, mas outras, infelizmente, eu ainda acho muito difícil dizer "não" até porque passa pela família do meu marido, que depende muito dele.

E ainda tem outro detalhe um pouco TMI: eu tenho uma endometriose fudida, diagnosticada há uns 2 anos, mas até hoje to na fila de espera do NHS pra diagnostico, então todo meu tratamento é aqui no Brasil. Daí é médico, é exame, é sei lá o quê. Pra piorar a situação, eu descobri que tô em uma perimenopausa precoce com 30 anos, então o calor do Brasil me deixa MUITO mal. Em Salvador, a casa da minha família tem ar condicionado, então mal sinto. Na casa da família do marido em SP parece que faz mais calor dentro do que fora, quase não tem escapatória, nem o ar condicionado do shopping faz cócegas. Dessa última vez, eu surtei e acabei reservando um hotel na mesma rua, mas isso gerou muito burburinho dentro da família dele. Enfim, eu to aqui postando e meio que já sei a resposta (preciso aprender a dizer "não" e ignorar o que os outros vão pensar), mas, sei lá, seria bom ver se alguém passa por coisas parecidas.

I need advice of what to do.

Two days ago, I travelled 12 hours in an overnight flight with my husband to visit our families in our home country. I don’t sleep during flights so I spent those 12 hours fully awake.

When we got to his hometown, I was super tired. We always stay at his mother’s when we visit. So we came to her house, socialised a lot, then visited his grandma, then went to the shopping mall with his dad and than had dinner with his family. Anyway, I was exhausted. In spite of liking his family, I was already burned out before bedtime.

Bedtime, however, was awful. I’m starting to hint at him that I don’t like staying at his mother’s, but I think this is a sensitive topic. We come from different classes backgrounds, I’m from a much richer family while his is very working class. This is why I never told him that I don’t like staying here because I don’t want to be that spoiled rich woman. But my MIL’s house is VERY hot. Like it’s 33 degrees here and it’s not even summer. There is no air conditioning, just a small table top fan. It’s also very noisy as it’s in a busy road, with multiple cars and busses driving past. It’s quite polluted as well, to a point that my boogers get black as if I’d been to a festival. We have to sleep with the bedroom door open because of the heat.

So… yesterday I went to bed and couldn’t sleep. Everything felt much hotter than it was, much noisier than usual. My heart starting racing, I started crying while he was asleep, and I felt like punching myself and scratching my face. I cried for two hours straight until I woke him up. I wanted to escape so so so badly. All I wish to do was to run away. He held me and manage to calm me down, but I couldn’t sleep much. I felt so much rage that I cannot explain. The last time I felt this way was 7 years ago, way before I met him.

Now I told him that I don’t want to sleep here any longer. I found a hotel nearby. But he’s very uncomfortable with this, and haven’t told his mother yet. I feel that this could impact my relationship with her, but I’m so so so tired of masking. I never liked being a guest at someone’s house, never. I also hate receiving overnight guests. I just want to go home :(

Vocês já encontraram brasileiros com um tipo de mentalidade beeeem específica no exterior? Não to falando de posicionamento político partidário (até pq eu já vi gente em todos os espectros políticos fazendo isso). Vem normalmente de brasileiros brancos.

Faz um ano já que eu contratei uma faxineira semanal para minha casa. Ela vem uma vez por semana, faz algumas horas, pago o dinheiro dela, e depois ela vai embora. Ela é brasileira e do mesmo estado que eu, então conversamos bastante sobre diferenças culturais, etc.

Enfim, hoje ela me falou que recebeu uma proposta de uma outra cliente dela. Também brasileira. A cliente pediu para que ela se mudasse para a casa dela para trabalhar como babá do filho. Até aí, ok, afinal esse é o conceito de au pair, que é um trabalho como qualquer outro (ainda que eu tenha minhas ressalvas pessoais). O problema é que a tal da cliente pagaria 1000 libras por mês (o que é MUITO abaixo do salário mínimo) e ainda cobraria pelo uso de água etc.

Aposto que alguém vai dizer: "Ah, mas a funcionária não vai pagar aluguel fora". Verdade, mas a própria lei britânica fala que o valor máximo a ser debitado quando o patrão dá a moradia é 77 libras por semana, o que daria em média umas 310 libras. Então, mesmo debitando, o salário ainda está abaixo do salário mínimo.

Essa mesma faxineira me disse que tem colegas que se recusam a trabalhar para casa de brasileiros porque, infelizmente, de vez em quando aparecem uns com esse tipo de mentalidade de tratar faxineira como sub humano. E é foda porque muitas pessoas que trabalham com faxina não tem documento, o que só aumenta a chance de exploração.

Eu gosto muito do Brasil e às vezes até romantizo nosso país sem querer, mas essas coisinhas me trazem de volta pra realidade. Sei que tem outras nacionalidades que fazem coisas muito parecidas (eu tinha uma ex-colega da Indonésia que falou, na maior cara dura, que as empregadas da casa dela "cresceram com ela" e, quando eu questionei, ela disse que "ah mas elas são como da família"), mas esse tipo de mentalidade só consegue florescer em lugares com desigualdade social gigantesca.

Oi pessoal, sei que é um assunto nichado mas não sei qual outro sub ir.

Eu faço doutorado na Inglaterra com bolsa integral. Ano que vem, vou passar uns 6 meses no Brasil fazendo pesquisa de campo. Pensei em me filiar a alguma instituição brasileira como visitante, basicamente um sanduíche por lá. Perguntei pra minhas orientadoras aqui e elas falaram que nunca conseguiram mandar doutorando visitante pro Brasil porque a bolsa da CAPES é confusa. Mas, no meu caso, como eu tenho bolsa aqui e iria continuar recebendo, não vejo tanta necessidade de ter uma bolsa lá, até porque vou ficar hospedada no apto da minha familia e não vou pagar aluguel. Eu gostaria de ir pra uma universidade pública, pensei em USP já que vou estar em SP. Alguém já passou por coisa parecida?

Não sei se é relevante, mas eu sou brasileira de nascimento e, ao mesmo tempo, naturalizada no UK.

Ok, I'm really afraid that this is going to sound harsh, but is my MIL using her illness (a real illness) to blackmail us?

My husband (34M) and I (30F) live abroad. Both of us are from the same country, but from different cities. When we visit our home country, we spend 50/50 of the time with each of our families. This time, we decided to do something different: combine our two families and travel together to the beach. Everyone loved the idea, we already booked flights, hotels and some activities.

Three weeks ago, my MIL started to have very strong pain on her right hand side cheek, which irradiates to her neck. Her pain is so strong that she told us that she throws up the entire night because of it. She couldn't eat or drink anything. By the way, she had cancer in the past that made doctors remove her entire stomach. She also only has a single working kidney. So... dehydration could literally kill her. Still, she refused to go to the doctor. Her husband (my husband's stepdad) wanted to take her to the ER, but she refused. He took her either way, even though he can't drive right now because he recently got his eyes operated. When they got there, she didn't tell the doctors everything. She omitted the part of the vomiting, so doctors didn't put her on IV fluids. She also didn't mention that she doesn't have a stomach or two kidneys, so doctors prescribed her medication that she couldn't take. They did a CT scan, saw that there wasn't any stroke or blood clot signs and discharged her. Having said that, the pain medication only made her vomiting worse.

My husband was very worried, of course. He even called her GP, who told him basically that her mother is capable of speaking for herself and she didn't tell the GP any of this stuff. But she kept getting worse and worse. Her dentist suggested it could be a tooth related issue. But my MIL didn't let the dentist see her tooth. The tooth X ray though showed that it was a tooth infection. The weeks passed and she lost weight and kept sending texts that she was ready to die.

Anyway, we travel tomorrow. Yesterday, she called my husband to say that she won't travel with us anymore. My husband begged her to go to the dentist again, who confirmed she has a tooth infection and needs a root canal. Yup, just a root canal and she'll be fine. She doesn't want to do it. My husband is considering staying in his city with his mother so he can convince her to get treatment. I'll go with my family to the beach.

I strongly believe she's doing this to blackmail him. There is some context to it: they used to talk to each other on the phone every single day. This isn't unusual in our culture, I do the same with my family. But I'm self employed and my hours are flexible. His work recently went back to fully in person, which means that now he can only talk to her when it's late in the night here (timezone differences). Because he gets home tired, he hasn't been talking to her that often. She complains a lot about this and even says that this happened since he got married to me, even though he says that it has nothing to do with me. But now that she's sick, he's been talking to her every single night for at least one hour. He's a single child, her marriage is a bad one and she hates her stepdaughter because her husband puts his daughter as a priority over her (which is the right thing to do, if you're a father, in my humble opinion). My husband agrees it could be blackmail but he also thinks it's his fault for not giving her enough attention.

That AI is so so so stupid. I have the very common female issue of a repeated thrush right before my period, nothing that would require sitting for long hours in a A&E. It didn’t told me to go to a sexual health clinic, but the A&E. I obviously won’t go go. Then, I called 111, spoke to a real person and they booked me in a GP appointment for this morning.

To procurando outras opções de comida. Trabalho de casa 3x na semana e como bastante carbo nesses dias, mas nos outros 2 tenho sentido um pouco de fome, acho que não tenho comido o suficiente.

Hi everyone

For a bit of context:I have DIE in my uterosacral ligament, rectosigmoid and right ovary, but most of it is in my uterosacral ligament. I recently had to get rid of hormonal treatment because I’ve tried them all and all of them made me sick (on top of that, my mother just found out when she was trying HRT that she has a progesterone intolerance, which I think might be my case as well).

Three months ago, I had an awful pelvic pain two days before my period. My vulva hurt, my vagina hurt and I couldn’t even seat. I booked myself a pelvic physiotherapy and have been doing it every PMS since then.

I’m currently on my period and… it’s painless!!!! It’s almost in the end now and I didn’t even have to cancel plans to stay in bed and taking painkillers. I’m not sure if it’s going to stay like this forever. Probably not because endometriosis is progressive, but I’m genuinely so happy that it’s helping. Physiotherapy won’t cure it, far from it, but it helps managing the pain. My physio said it’s especially good for those with endometriosis in the uterosacral ligament as we tend to have tight pelvic floors.

I’m just sharing here in case it helps someone. I know it’s expensive, but I can’t keep this information to myself, so I decided to post it here.

Hi, here are some context for the sub. My husband (34) and I (30) have been married for three years. Since we were dating, we discussed if we wanted to have children. I never wanted to be a mother. He's always said he never thought of having children, and he always had other priorities in his life.

Until the beginning of this year, I was on hormonal contraception, mainly due to my endometriosis. But hormonal contraception made me AWFUL throughout the month, and I've tried all of them (vaginal ring, patch, copper iud, hormonal iud, implant, pill, etc). My mother has a progesterone intolerance and I suspect I have something similar. Anyway, I underwent surgery for endometriosis and now, even without contraception, I feel the best I've ever been.

We've been using condoms since then. When we switched to condoms, I suggested: 'maybe, if I feel fine after my surgery, what do you think of vasectomy?'. He agreed, but he also said he doesn't mind wearing condoms either. In my case, it's not like I dislike them, but I much prefer to have sex without it, it feels more intimate. Anyway, I keep reassuring him that it's okay if he doesn't want to do it, it's his body after all. And he keeps saying that he'll do it. Yesterday, I decided to have a long and deep conversation about it because I just felt like he was simply agreeing to do it because of me, not because he wanted to. He said that he never thought of being a dad and our relationship is a priority for him. But I keep thinking: what if I die? What if he has to remarry and decide to have children? I understand this might sound like me overthinking, but it feels so weird to suggest that my husband does something with HIS body because of ME.

I'm not sure if this is a common feeling among partners, but I feel a bit guilty?