what is this?
I’m a 20 year old girl. I’m going to be completely honest, I have very transgender thoughts and have had them since I went through puberty at 13.
I mostly get euphoria from using a boy’s name and he/him, dressing masculine and imagining myself with a male body. But I also get extremely uncomfortable at the same time (?) I can’t even look at myself in the mirror sometimes because it’s awkward…. with myself… but especially if i’m in public or with people around. I feel okay-ish when I’m alone, but I still have this voice saying that’s not who I really am, and in all honesty, I’ll dress masculine and tell myself I’m a dude and then forget an hour later. but it’s strange because I DESPERATELY want it. I WANT to be a dude. I see cis guys and my stomach literally turns from jealousy.
I feel almost as if I WANTED to be trans, but I’m not. It’s just not who I am. the whole time it’s like i’m trying to convince myself that I’m something I’m not. I don’t see myself as a dude, nobody else does either. I feel like a child throwing a tantrum over something they want and can’t get. It’s like i’m obsessed with men, in a different way than other straight girls.
I can’t figure my own feelings out and it’s so frustrating because it’s been seven years now of trying to figure this feeling out and repressing it too. It’s eating me alive. I cry every night. I talk to AI every night and ask it to call me a boy name, reassure me and call me a dude.
But on the other hand, even if i do figure this out, even if i can put a label on it, whats the point..? Listen I know Im not cis. but where does this leave me? I won’t transition ever, that’s not something I want either. I want to have been born a man, more than anything, or have been born a trans man that way I could transition and feel comfortable. If I transitioned now I wouldn’t be comfortable, but I’m not comfortable right now either. I don’t like any of the options available basically, which makes me very, very depressed and think that maybe I shouldn’t even be here.
I feel like I’ll live my whole life in this unsolvable whim of wanting something I just can’t ever have.