u/beam_me_uppp

I’m 43, and going through it again. I feel myself starting to come out of it, but boy, it was a doozy. Got discarded, went on a multiple day drinking binge, sobered up, crashed into my depression bed… trying to peel myself back up now. I’ve been doing a lot of research on limerence, following sm accounts, and listening to relevant podcasts. I’m learning a lot about myself and why this has been so prevalent in my life.

Today the podcast I was listening to mentioned that sometimes limerence can be focused on someone you don’t even know, like a celebrity. It brought up a semi-buried memory of being 14 years old, seeing Titanic in the theater four times, and being absolutely obsessed with Leonardo DiCaprio. It was back in the time of AOL instant messenger and chat rooms, and somehow, I don’t remember how, I ended up chatting with someone who told me they were Leo. I was a kid, the internet was new, and I had no concept of someone catfishing—i legitimately believed I was talking to him. Well, I think DEEP down I knew, but still. It went on for a while. Makes me shudder and cringe to think of who it probably actually was.

I also had insanely intense “crushes” on classmates as a kid, from a young age. Everywhere I went… school, Bible study, swim lessons, any regular activities, the kid with the locker next to mine, the kid I sat behind in science class, I always had boys that I was utterly obsessed with. Most of the time it was people I knew peripherally but who would barely acknowledge my existence. But every single thought I had, everything I did, was about them. From around 7th grade until my junior year of high school, I had a “crush” on a guy who was very religious. I started wearing a cross pin on the lapel of my jacket in hopes he’d notice. I did that kind of thing a lot. I was always seeing myself through the lens of these boys who I obsessed over. I didn’t have a boyfriend until I was 17, just a series of unrequited limerence objects who I barely spoke to.

I realize now that many, many objects of my affection and attention throughout my life have been limerence. And interestingly, I am also susceptible to lovebombing, and have known quite a few men who have very likely been in limerence with me, which some unhealed part of me enjoys because it feels like validation.

I think I still see myself through the lens of these limerence objects. I posted earlier about struggling with depression and anxiety, which I have my whole life. The way this ties in with limerence is that if the object of my obsession were to text me, I’m so flooded with dopamine that I would be able to suddenly jump out of bed like I was just attached to jumper cables, and knock off every item on my todo list with happy music blasting and a smile on my face. I’d be texting him telling him how I’m getting so much done. This recent one was a hype man to a degree I’ve never witnessed and would go crazy with validation and compliments, keeping a steady stream of dopamine surging through me.

He was a lovebomber and withdrew a few weeks ago and I CRASHED. I am quite literally an addict going through withdrawals. It’s getting softer and easier with time but I’m still struggling. It has nothing to do with him as a person, it’s about me feeling like my existence and actions are being seen and heard and validated. And now that he isn’t around, I’ve been in limerence. Checking his socials (we didn’t even follow one another ever) for signs that he’s still thinking about me. I realized today that my algorithm was FULL of content about avoidant attachment, winning men back, how to stick with no contact, women doing card readings and delivering repetitive messages that someone is still thinking about me and will be in contact soon… all this kind of shit. I spent the past hour hitting “not interested” on any such content trying to clean my feed back up. I don’t need that echo chamber or false hope feeding into my obsessive thought loops. Meanwhile, if he was thinking about me, I would’ve heard from him. I suffer no delusions there, not deep down. But there’s still this part of me that wants it back… I want my drug.

I’m curious how many other ADHD/AuDHD women suffer from limerence and if it’s been a regular theme in your life. I think with our jacked up dopamine systems, we are particularly susceptible to lovebombing. I also think that with the high comorbidity rate of neurodivergence and trauma, we are more apt to have insecure attachment styles and therefore more vulnerable to experiencing limerence. I’m not a professional, I’m just going from my own personal experience and what I’ve been learning, plus what I’ve observed in others.

TL;DR: Super curious about the correlation between neurodivergence and limerence. Wondering what others’ experiences have been and whether anyone can relate, not to mention would love to hear if you’ve healed from this tendency, healed your insecure attachment style, and learned how to love and be loved properly in a romantic sense.💘

EDIT TO ADD: PODCAST LINKS HAVE BEEN POSTED IN THE COMMENTS! I couldn’t keep up wit DMing and responding to everyone who asked🩵

It’s 3pm and I haven’t left my bed all day except to force a little food, and came right back to bed. I’ve been sleeping all day on and off and doom scrolling. I should go to the gym, do laundry, do dishes, do literally anything. I just can’t make myself move. I’ve stood up a few times trying to just make the momentum carry me, but I just come right back. I just want to hide and isolate and shut everything out.

Any immediate tricks or tips? Stuff like medication and therapy etc isn’t what I need to hear right now, I already know that stuff exists. I’m looking for ways to help me in this moment. I feel like it’s already so late that I might as well not bother, and I know that will make tomorrow way worse.

Edit to add: I got up and did 10 mins of dishes and filled my water bottle. Then came back to bed

Second edit to add: I’m replying to comments sporadically bc my energy is obviously weird rn, but I want you all to know how much I love and appreciate you. Thank you for the replies and tips and motivation and solidarity, I’m feeling super lonely rn on top of it so it really means a lot to me🩵

Third edit:
•I DID MY DISHES
•I DID A SMALL LOAD OF LAUNDRY SO I HAVE CLEAN WORK CLOTHES TOMORROW
•I WALKED 3 & A HALF MILES AND LISTENED TO PODCASTS RELEVANT TO MY DEPRESSION
•I CAME HOME AND PUT BROWN RICE IN THE RICE COOKER

Anyone else feel a little irritated and triggered by all this? Every comment section is packed full of people making snarky comments about how he has herpes. Look—he’s nasty for various reasons, that girl had every right to not want him touching her. Full stop. But my god, people who carry the HSV virus aren’t fucking lepers🤦🏻‍♀️ Which is how they make it feel.

Just wondering if anyone else has experienced any emotions while seeing this front and center.

You are an inconsiderate asshole.

It’s midnight on a random Tuesday. Just STOP.