u/beehaw_folks

I (25F) have a job interview soon in the Longwood area. It it a few blocks away from the 41st precinct, at IS 217.

I have gone to NYC for interviews before, but the last time I was in the Bronx kinda rattled me. Someone who wasn’t in their right mind followed me for a block, shouting stuff at me, until I pretended to go to a bus stop full of people. I didn’t make it to my interview with that other place that day.

I’m from Long Island and have been to NYC a million times. I carry pepper spray and a little doodad (courtesy of my father) that can make a deafening noise if I press a button.

I try to do research in advance before I go to interviews, and I understand that reality is usually more nuanced than what the internet will say about a community. However, what I have seen is that Longwood has some of the highest rates of violent crime in the entire city.

My interview is at 9am. Would it be recommended for me to take the LIRR and the 2 subway, or should I just drive it if I’m comfortable driving in the city? Since it’s probably relevant, I am a squishy little white woman who will probably stand out no matter how hard I try, because I have OCD and anxiety disorder, so I’m naturally rather anxious-looking.

Any advice would be recommended. Thank you! Sorry if this came across as overly cautious, like I said, last time kinda rattled me. Hopefully it didn’t sound too pathetic, lol

I am sorry this is long. Before you read this, please be warned that I’m allo and this post is about my growing anxiety about my long-term relationship with someone who is asexual. Please skip it if you know it’ll be upsetting - I don’t write any of this with the intention of being dismissive or invalidating someone’s lived experiences.

I met my girlfriend in high school. She is very direct, sarcastic, intelligent, and one of the funniest people I know. I knew by senior year (2018) that she was asexual. I had a crush on her, but I was also very shy, so I didn’t do anything about it. I had never had a relationship before, and honestly I had really low self esteem and didn’t think anyone would ever like me.

I was very surprised when she told me that she liked me. We dated for about 2 weeks, until she said we were better off as friends. I accepted this and we remained really close friends into community college — until she changed her mind and said that she really liked me and maybe we should give it a shot.

That was in 2020, right before the pandemic. (This is relevant, unfortunately). Due to the situation, we weren’t able to see each other often. When we did, we were basically always 6ft apart. We spoke on the phone and on Discord constantly. We hadn’t talked about it much, but it had been mentioned that she comfortable with the idea of cuddling or holding hands or maybe kissing, which I thought we would do when the lockdown was over.

The lockdown ended, and things barely changed. We would see each other once every 3-5 months (both full time students with jobs at this point). My gf is very uncomfortable about intimacy and set in her ways, and for a while I was scared of talking about it because I didn’t want to ruin anything. I love her so much and I also don’t want her to feel like I’m expecting her to do something she doesn’t want.

Around 2022, I started getting upset. We had never kissed and we had been dating for 2 full years, and for added context by that point she had said she was comforting with kissing and could see herself having sex for the intimacy someday (but she believes in waiting until marriage, which tbh I didn’t mind, especially if it meant I could be with her). I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable since she had more defined boundaries about intimacy, so I waited for her to initiate our first kiss, but she never did. We didn’t speak about it again until 2025, when she said again that she was okay with kissing, and that she expected me to initiate it. She insisted that she was too flustered to do it and that I had to be the one who initiated it — which honestly made me feel like she didn’t want to kiss me at all, but I don’t know if that’s not what that really means or if it’s common among ace people.

I had a hard time talking about this for a while because I didn’t want to ruin anything. We talk about fanfiction and tv shows and she’s always telling me random animal facts that are crazy interesting, and I love how direct she is. I’m such a nervous wreck all the time with my OCD and trauma, her very calm and level-headed attitude about everything is incredibly reassuring. She makes me feel safe when I hear her voice. I love her so much.

Things changed a little on New Year’s Day 2026 (this year we both turn 26, for context). She invited me over, and it was really fun. We stayed up late together for the first time, watching the final season of a tv show that was very important to me. I thought that we would watch the ball drop after that, since it was getting late. But shortly after 11pm she told me that she was tired and asked me to leave. That made me feel really upset because it felt like she’d suddenly gotten tired of me, or maybe she just didn’t want to kiss me, or maybe it was all in my head. I went home and I cried for an hour, and a friend told me I had to tell my gf how much our lack of intimacy was affecting me.

A day later, I spoke to my gf about how it made me feel, and I know that it hurt her feelings. She was really nervous about saying “no” to me for things for a while, and that just made me feel worse because it felt like being honest with her had scared her out of being honest with me, which isn’t what I wanted. We came to a compromise: we both wanted to see each other more often, we would cuddle upon request with my promise to ask for clear permission and accept a ‘no’, and we would kiss more.

For about a month, things were really nice. I went to her home all the time, and we would just hang out in each other’s presence even if we didn’t have a set activity to do together. We would cuddle sometimes when I asked. The last time I asked though, she said no and I didn’t want to ask again the very next day because it felt disrespectful right after a ‘no,’ like I thought she would say something bc she had in the past but she didn’t, so I thought it’ll happen later. And then my school semester (full time job + final Master’s semester, i was VERY BUSY) started and I didn’t see her for a while again.

She attended my graduation last month and I know she was proud of me. Honestly I don’t think I could’ve done that without her — not only for the emotional support, but she also helped me study a lot for my oral exam. However, ever since I graduated I have seen my gf a handful of times. I asked her a few times to hang out, and there were multiple instances where a he said she was sick or had allergies, only to tell me she went out with her parents or brother either later that day or the next day. I started to wonder if she was avoiding me.

We went to the beach with our friends on Sunday; Lesbian A and Lesbian B. Lesbian A took her gf, Lesbian B, and my gf to the beach while I got us a pizza. When we linked up at the beach, one of the first things that happened was my gf calling me her “friend,” and I think the whole group got weird about it because I must’ve looked upset. But then we moved on and collected rocks by the water, and we were all having a nice time.

Later, a joke was made because Lesbian B accidentally said something about her own sexual experiences out loud - to the extent of “uhh that should’ve been an internal thought, not a vocalized statement.” Me and Lesbian A were laughing at it really hard because it was honestly rlly goofy. My gf didn’t really laugh and I don’t remember what she said exactly, but I got the impression that sex being mentioned made her uncomfortable.

She was very short with me for the last few days when we texted. We agreed to see each other tomorrow, on Saturday, and she asked if I could show her my needle-felting. Then I asked her how her day was and she admitted that she was spiraling, and then she told me that she didn’t think she ever wanted to have sex. She was so stressed about telling me that she started to cry from relief. I read her text message and I felt horrible. I keep trying to do everything to not make her feel like I’m pressuring her into anything, but I just feel so lonely all the time. We barely hug or kiss or cuddle, and at this point it feels like we’re just friends, like she said on the beach. I didn’t know what to say so I said I love you and I was sorry if I made her feel like she had to agree to anything.

I know that relationships between someone who’s allo and ace can work with communication, but I don’t know what to do. We are each other’s first and only relationship, for over 6 years now. But I don’t see her ever wanting to move in with me, or marry me, or even taking a nap together, ever. I know she can’t help it, but I feel like our compromises we made for my comfort were just written off, but I also don’t want to make her uncomfortable.

I told her that we shouldn’t be texting about this, so we would talk when we were meeting up for our date in less than 12 hours now. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be without her, but I don’t feel like I’m happy with the way things are and if it keeps going I don’t think I’ll ever be.

But then I think about it and honestly I don’t even know how much intimacy is supposed to be normal in a relationship - she was/is my first girlfriend. I don’t know if I’m making small problems into something huge when she’s the love of my life, and what if I ruin it for reasons I regret down the line