u/bemyguestdarling

Hey, guys. I (28F) have been seeing a guy (34M) for about five months. He's autistic, avoidant, an immigrant from the UK who's lived in my country for over 10 years, and he's been dealing with heavy grief.. his father died by su1cide almost two years ago. We had this instant and amazing connection through music, life goals, sense of humor, love for animals, understanding the world..

Three weeks ago we agreed to meet and talk about us, after I'd noticed he'd gotten quieter following a difficult phone call from his family. The day we were supposed to meet, a day he suggested, he vanished. Stopped responding. Didn't pick up his phone. He'd never done anything like this before. I was genuinely worried something had happened to him and went to his house (we were supposed to meet there).

He was okay physically but clearly wasn't well mentally. He told me he had family problems and that when things get hard, he hides and needs to be alone. I asked what he needed and he said some time. I told him I missed him. He said he missed me too. He apologized for not picking up my calls and told me to stop apologizing for showing up at his house (I was ashamed about it). He was physically affectionate and very gentle with me. Holding me, kissing my forehead, pulling me close. He didn't avoid eye contact, but he didn't know what to say.

I asked him directly: "So, is this over?" He said no.

When I asked what we were, he said he couldn't answer at the moment.

I leaned to kiss him and he kissed me back intensely, pulling me close. Things got hot and we almost got intimate, but I stopped. I said, "I can't do this, I need to go home." I called an Uber. I told him I didn't want things to be like this and he said, "I know," with his arms still around me. I asked if he was being honest (he always said he was brutally honest) and he said yes. The last thing he said was "text me if you need anything." I think he meant about getting home safely late at night. I said, "you too, please."

I got home and texted to let him know I got home safe and said if he needed anything, I'm here. He didn't replied.

Five days later I sent a calm, no-pressure message. I said I was confused about what everything meant for us and asked when would be a good time to talk. I said no rush, no pressure, I know you said you needed time. No response. It's been almost three weeks of silence now.

He hasn't blocked me. He still follows me on everything. But zero words.

And yet, I've noticed things that don't add up. For the first two weeks, his Spotify activity was all depressive music (songs about broken men, grief, about failure, about being beyond repair.).Then about a week ago, it shifted. Suddenly it was indie rock, songs about missing someone. Bands we share. Songs he knows I love. He's played them on repeat for days.

He also hides and unhides his Instagram stories from me. He doesn't know I can tell when he does it. Right now they're unhidden since friday (today is sunday). But he hasn't looked at a single thing I've posted (at least not with his account).

Here's what I can't understand: I gave him an easy out. I literally asked if it was over. He said no to my face. I sent a thoughtful, pressure-free message and still nothing. Is this something avoidants do? Not break up but disappear anyway? Is he genuinely taking space and planning to come back, or is this a slow-motion discard?

I know people will say "silence is an answer." But he explicitly said it wasn't over. That's what I can't reconcile.

My therapist thinks he has no idea how much his silence is hurting me. He's a very black-and-white, practical thinker, and my message didn't mention the pain at all. She said I should send another one when I'm ready, saying clearly that the silence isn't okay with me. I extended my hand, but I didn't say I can't work with silence.

Hey, guys. I (28F) have been seeing a guy (34M) for about five months. He's autistic, avoidant, an immigrant from the UK who's lived in my country for over 10 years, and he's been dealing with heavy grief.. his father died by su1cide almost two years ago. We had this instant and amazing connection through music, life goals, sense of humor, love for animals, understanding the world..

Three weeks ago we agreed to meet and talk about us, after I'd noticed he'd gotten quieter following a difficult phone call from his family. The day we were supposed to meet, a day he suggested, he vanished. Stopped responding. Didn't pick up his phone. He'd never done anything like this before. I was genuinely worried something had happened to him and went to his house (we were supposed to meet there).

He was okay physically but clearly wasn't well mentally. He told me he had family problems and that when things get hard, he hides and needs to be alone. I asked what he needed and he said some time. I told him I missed him. He said he missed me too. He apologized for not picking up my calls and told me to stop apologizing for showing up at his house (I was ashamed about it). He was physically affectionate and very gentle with me. Holding me, kissing my forehead, pulling me close. He didn't avoid eye contact, but he didn't know what to say.

I asked him directly: "So, is this over?" He said no.

When I asked what we were, he said he couldn't answer at the moment.

I leaned to kiss him and he kissed me back intensely, pulling me close. Things got hot and we almost got intimate, but I stopped. I said, "I can't do this, I need to go home." I called an Uber. I told him I didn't want things to be like this and he said, "I know," with his arms still around me. I asked if he was being honest (he always said he was brutally honest) and he said yes. The last thing he said was "text me if you need anything." I think he meant about getting home safely late at night. I said, "you too, please."

I got home and texted to let him know I got home safe and said if he needed anything, I'm here. He didn't replied.

Five days later I sent a calm, no-pressure message. I said I was confused about what everything meant for us and asked when would be a good time to talk. I said no rush, no pressure, I know you said you needed time. No response. It's been almost three weeks of silence now.

He hasn't blocked me. He still follows me on everything. But zero words.

And yet, I've noticed things that don't add up. For the first two weeks, his Spotify activity was all depressive music (songs about broken men, grief, about failure, about being beyond repair.).Then about a week ago, it shifted. Suddenly it was indie rock, songs about missing someone. Bands we share. Songs he knows I love. He's played them on repeat for days.

He also hides and unhides his Instagram stories from me. He doesn't know I can tell when he does it. Right now they're unhidden since friday (today is sunday). But he hasn't looked at a single thing I've posted (at least not with his account).

Here's what I can't understand: I gave him an easy out. I literally asked if it was over. He said no to my face. I sent a thoughtful, pressure-free message and still nothing. Is this something avoidants do? Not break up but disappear anyway? Is he genuinely taking space and planning to come back, or is this a slow-motion discard?

I know people will say "silence is an answer." But he explicitly said it wasn't over. That's what I can't reconcile.

My therapist thinks he has no idea how much his silence is hurting me. He's a very black-and-white, practical thinker, and my message didn't mention the pain at all. She said I should send another one when I'm ready, saying clearly that the silence isn't okay with me. I extended my hand, but I didn't say I can't work with silence.

I (28F) have been dating an Irish man (mid-30s) who has been living abroad for about 10 years. Our relationship has been deeply connected, intellectual, and very transparent for the 5 months we've been together. He is a Philosophy professor—typically very rational, stoic, articulate, and possesses ASD traits.

He suffered the sudden, tragic loss of his father in mid-2024. It was a devastating bereavement, and with the "Darkness into Light" walk coming up this Saturday (May 9th), he seems to be in a total downward spiral. I know his family in Ireland is gathering for it, and being away from that support system during such a significant date is clearly taking a massive toll. 

Following a bad phone call from home in late March, he began to retract. He eventually went radio silent 10 days ago. When I saw him briefly right before the silence started, he was affectionate but unwell, saying he "hides" and needs space when things are bad at home. He essentially vanished without a clear explanation, even though we had plans. When I asked him if it was over, he said no, and when I asked so what are we, he said he couldn’t answer that at the moment.

The Question for the Irish Community:
I’m trying to understand the cultural side of this because here in my country, we’re more open. In Ireland, how common is it for men to deal with intense trauma by completely cutting off their partners?

• Is this "masking" and isolation a common cultural defense mechanism against appearing vulnerable?

• When an Irish man says he "hides" and goes silent, is it usually a sign he's ending the relationship, or is he just "white-knuckling" through the pain in total isolation?

I care for him deeply and want to be supportive. I want to wait, but the total lack of communication is hard to navigate and I’m suffering a lot :/

Small Version

The Context: I (28F, ADHD/RSD) have been dating a 34M (Ethics Professor, Irish-born, ASD traits) for 5 months. We had an instant, deep connection—geopolitics, philosophy, music, and daily "deep dives". He met my parents, brought me gifts from UK, and made a "2026 to-do list" for us. His father died by suicide in July 2024

The Catalyst (March 24): On March 24, he received a "bad phone call" from home and withdrew. He became quiet, distant, and physically ill.

The Communication Breakdown (April):

• April 18-19: He went radio silent. When he resurfaced, he said he was helping a friend in crisis and "wasn't comfortable" with me checking in, stating he isn't on his phone during serious situations.
• The Wellness Check (April 24): After days of distance, I broke the silence and told him I was feeling really uncomfortable and didn't want things to be like this between us. He said, "Me too, no need for it at all, let's have a chat". We scheduled to meet on Friday, April 24, after his work.
• We didn't speak after agreeing to meet, but I went to his place anyway. On my way there, I checked in and got nothing. I decided to wait at a bar nearby—still nothing. I called and it went to voicemail. Then I saw him listening to a "depressive" song on repeat on Spotify.
• Fearing for his life (given his father's history), I went to his house. He wouldn't even respond to the doorman. It took about 20-30 minutes until he finally appeared.

The Reaction: He looked unwell, but he was also affectionate, hugged me for minutes, and told me he was sorry. He explained that he hides when he has family problems.

The Mixed Signal: I asked him if it was over and he said "no". Then I asked what we are, and he said he couldn't answer that at the moment. We started making out intensely (he led), but I stopped it and said, "I can't do this" (referring to the intimacy), because I felt like a distraction. I went home and texted him to say I got home safe and that if he needs anything, I'm here. He never replied.

The Current Limbo (May 4):

• It has been 10 days of total silence since that night.
• He still follows me on social media.
• I sent a "no pressure" text on April 29—no reply.
• Behavior: He removed our shared Spotify playlist and hides/unhides his IG stories from me, but still follows me.
• Context: May 9 is a major suicide prevention event ("Darkness into Light") in his home country. His family is gathering, but he is here in Brazil.

My Questions for the Autistic Community:

1. Is it common to vanish from a partner during a grief-induced shutdown while remaining active on social media/Spotify?
2. Does the "I can't answer what we are" usually mean "it's over," or is he legitimately incapable of processing a relationship right now?
3. Could he be ashamed that I saw him "unmasked" and in crisis?

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Full Version:

Hi everyone, first of all, I'm sorry for such a long text. I'm reaching out because I am completely lost in a "gray zone" and my head is spinning :( I have ADHD and RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria). The guy I’ve been/was seeing for the last 5 months is a 34-year-old Ethics and Philosophy professor from UK living in Brazil. He has ASD (Autism Spectrum) traits.. he’s a very "black and white" thinker, extremely rational, and warned me early on his so called "red flags". He mentioned that he sometimes can be perceived as cold because he struggles to read emotional cues, but he was working on that. Important to mention he lost his father, his hero, to suicide in July 2024, while he was living here in Brazil. His dad was his absolute hero, and I know he is still deeply struggling with that grief.

I especially want to ask the autistic community: Have you ever experienced a shutdown from as ASD? Is it normal to completely vanish from a partner while still being active elsewhere? Does he eventually reappear, or is this his way of ending things without the "demand" of a conversation? Is he ashamed because I saw a side of him he's been masking for a long time?

The Timeline of Connection We matched on a app on Nov 8, 2025, and our first date was Nov 14. The chemistry was instant, intellectual, musical, artistic. We didn't just have small talk; we had "deep dives" into geopolitics, music, philosophy, our childhoods. We talked every single day.

• December: We saw each other twice a week. I met his best friend. He went home to UK for Christmas and brought me back pajamas so I could be comfortable at his house. He even made a "to-do list" of things for us to do in 2026 and was excited to see me.
• January 30: He met my parents and kind of bonded with my dad in terms of liking the same stuff (I feel like my father may gave reminded him of his father). He invited my family for a barbecue at his place. I told him my parents were clingy and we should take it slow, and he was very understanding and we weren't in a rush.
• March 14-22: I went to a St. Patrick’s Day party with him, his uk friends and his coworkers. On March 19, we saw Interpol (one of our favorite bands) and it was perfect. On March 22, we had an amazing date, one of our best. just fun, domestic, and perfectly in sync.

The Shift (March 24) On March 24, he received a "bad phone call" from home and said he would tell me about it the next time we met. But things started to change. He became more quiet and retracted. He started looking physically sick—this was shocking because he always took pride in never getting sick. When we saw each other in early April, he looked exhausted. On April 9, we had a date night on his place and asked him about it and he blamed it on "work overload," but that soon he'd be fine. I didn't want to push a hard conversation because he was tired, I was tired and we had planned to watch a movie together. We had fun, laughed, cuddled to the point he almost got late for work in the next morning. But I had a heavy feeling that we needed to talk.

The Breakdown of Communication (April)

• Monday, April 13: I told him I noticed I was holding myself back and didn't want to do that, so I wanted to talk to him. He said, "Absolutely, let's chat!," and we scheduled a talk for Thursday, April 16.
• Thursday, April 16: He had an emergency tooth extraction (from a tooth he was trying to fix). He didn’t cancel until he got home and took medication. He asked to reschedule, I said yes obviously, and he said: "Thank you, I appreciate that. I know you have stuff you wanted to chat about. I don't want you to be anxious or let it grow on your chest." He offered to talk over text while medicated, but I said "no, you need to rest". I wanted to talk in person.
• Saturday, April 18: He texted "Good morning" and was trying to make conversation again and I replied 20 mins later, but then he vanished. I checked in after lunch: "How are things? I'm just trying to keep the communication line open." At 4 PM, he finally replied saying a friend was with some bad problems and he was helping him and then asked how was my day. I was anxious, with a terrible PMS and I replied: "I’m sorry about your friend, hope things get better soon! but wtf? A simple 'something came up' would have been appreciated! I’ve been waiting for a sign of life since morning." I swear it wasn't an attack, I never talked to him like that. It was a crying for help. He stopped replying entirely, which he NEVER did. I noticed he was listening to "pink noise" all night on Spotify.
• Sunday, April 19: At 9 AM, he sent a long text saying he appreciated that I was worried about him but that he wasn't comfortable with how my message "came across." He said when things are serious, he isn't on his phone and doesn't want me to worry because it only means he's focused on what's on front of him. He also said he'd be helping his friend so he wouldn't be on his phone much and that we could talk when he got back if I was up for it (which got me like ??? wtf, I've been trying to talk). I told him I understood the friend situation, for real (and I really do), but my point was that he had been distant for days. I told him I agreed on talk as soon as he could. He then went silent for all Sunday, Monday and Tuesday.
• Wednesday, April 22: I decided to break the silence because I was feeling BAD. I was sick, my dog was sick.. so I messaged: "Checking in to see howre things there.. I'm feeling really uncomfortable and I don't want things to be like this." At 7:38 PM, he replied: "Hey, all good here, how are you? Me too. No reason for it at all. Let's have a chat this week." I was relieved for an instant! I shortly replied asking thursday or friday?
• Thursday, April 23: At 1:19 PM, he hadn't replied yet. I asked for a word so I could organize my day. At 4:24 PM, he said: "Hey, can't do today, have an event at school. But free tomorrow after University if that works for you." I agreed and wished him good luck on the school event.

The Night of the "Rescue" (Friday, April 24) We didn't talk at all that day, but I assumed we were on. I had seen an Instagram post about May 9th being a commemorative date in UK called "Darkness into Light" for suicide prevention.. and I saw his sister post about it saying the family was going to gather in memory of his father. I knew this would be heavy for him, not being there with them. I told myself I wouldn't reach out during the day and that it was his turn. But still no word. At night, I started getting ready. I usually met him around 9:30 PM at his house after his university class.

At 9:02 PM, I messaged: "Still good for tonight?" as I got into my Uber. No reply. As I got closer to his house, I decided to change my destination to a bar near his house—the bar where we first met—just in case he was still working. At 9:45 PM, I sat at the bar and checked Spotify. His listening activity was "on." I thought he'd message once he settled.. but then I saw he was listening to "The Blade" by Kingfishr on repeat. It’s a very depressive song about death and loss. I felt something was off, tried to message him again by saying: Hey, I'm at the bar having a beer. Tell me when you're good to go and I'll be there. And no reply. Then I notice the song was still on repeat and tried calling; it went to voicemail. I tried WhatsApp; no answer. I panicked. Given his father's history, I was terrified he had done something.

I took an Uber to his place (something I NEVER thought I'd do in my life). I was shaking and stuttering. I talked to the Uber driver, who stayed with me and tried to calm me down. At the house, the doorman tried to call him and got nothing. He said it was awkward because he always picks up fast. I explained my worry to the doorman and he kept trying. A neighbor waiting for a delivery heard me and decided to help by going to his house. he knocked on his door and came back saying the house was pitch black and silent.. not even his dog was barking. I was in shock! And the spotify was still playing the same song.

The doorman kept calling and after a while he suddenly said: "Want some good news? He’s coming up." I felt such relief but then such a shame! I thought he was going to be the most cold person in the world to me after that. He appeared at the gate and went outside to meet me and asked calmly what was happening. When he saw me crying and shaking, he embraced me and took me inside. He said he would make me some tea and he hugged me all the way to his house. I told him I was terrified and sorry for invading his privacy and for being there, but I only did it because I was worried about him. And he told me to stop apologizing. He said he had been sleeping because he was unwell. His face was not good. When I asked him about the silence, he said he was sorry and knew what he did was wrong. He said he was having "family problems in Ireland" and that when this happens, he hides; he needs to be alone.

I told him he didn't have to share details, but a simple "I can't talk today" would have been enough. He said sorry. He saw how distressed I was and held me. He was so affectionate.. putting his hand on my leg, hugging me tight, kissing my forehead. I remember saying, "What am I doing here? I need to go," and when I went to call an Uber, he actually took the phone from my hand to stop me.

I asked what he needed and he said "time .. long pause.. space." I asked for a proper hug and we hugged for minutes. He wouldn't let go. I even laughed because I started sweating since he’s naturally very warm and the embrace was so tight. He was looking deeply into my eyes, not avoiding eye contact at all, which was unusual for the whole situation. We sat on the couch, and I told him I missed him. He said he missed me too. We joked for a second about his hair being long. I told him things wouldn't work out with all this silence. I asked, "So, this is how it ends? After everything we went through over the past 5 months?" and he said, "No." I asked, "So what is this? What are we?" and he said, "I can't answer that right now," and I started crying. He hugged me again, caressing me. He pulled my legs onto him. I was like ?!? Then we started making out intensely on the couch. He was leading it, pulling me closer. But then I thought, "I'm not thinking straight," and I stopped and said, "I can't do this."

I repeated "what am I doing here?" and also that I needed to go home and called an Uber. He sat next to me, looking at my face, caressing my thighs, playing with my rings. He was quiet, but his actions were very present. Like he knew he fucked up. When the Uber arrived, I looked at his dog one last time with tears in my eyes and left his house. He followed me, running a bit to catch up, and put his hand on my waist. I said, "I didn't want things to be like this," and he said, "I know." I asked if he was being honest with me and he said, "Yes." He walked me to the car and said, "Text me if you need anything, okay?" And I said "you too, please". I messaged him when I got home, told him the same thing, "if you need anything, I'm here. Good night!" but he never replied.

The Aftermath: I was miserable. I went to a gig the next day that we were supposed to see together, and it was brutal. My friends said his "No" meant he didn't want it to be over. I talked to my best friend about it and told him the whole situation and he was like: what if he understood you broke up with him when you said: "I can't to do this". And I was like: "NO! I meant having sex! not us". So.. on Wednesday, April 29, realizing I might have confused him by stopping the intimacy, I sent a message: Hey I’ve reflected on what happened on Friday and I’m feeling confused about it all.

I wanted to talk things through with you calmly, have a chill conversation, not pull away. I didn’t mean to show up to your house like that at all, but I was really upset because I hadn’t heard from you. 

Between what we both said, I’m not sure what any of that meant for us and I’d like to understand it. I hate talking things over text because things get misunderstood so easily and I wanted to check with you when would be a good time to catch up? No pressure and no rush at all, I know you said you needed some time

Hope all is well there, x

He hasn't replied. He has hidden and unhidden his Instagram stories multiple times since (he doens't know I know when he does that), he's been listening to some very introspective, mellow, father/son, not being enough, being broken songs. He removed himself from our blended Spotify playlist (which was pinned to his spotify and even his students knew about). But he still follows me there and on instagram.

I'm still here in this gray zone.. I don't understand how things can possibly change like that, so fast.. and he said multiple times over the past 5 months he was always going to be honest with me he and valued transparency. I gave him a chance to break up with me in person when I asked him if it was over and a second chance by text within my last message.. that's what is confusing me.

Today is May 4, and like I mentioned, on May 9 there's an event for suicidal prevention in his home country and his family will gatherer and it's going to be tough on him.. I don't want this to be over like this, without even "trying". I really like this guy and I never ever experienced such a thing. So I don't know if this "shutdown" is normal and I should wait on him to reach out, or if he's just being avoidant. I thought sending something over the following week, after the event, something like: "Hey, just checking in to see if you're still there", because I really need some closure.