u/benderfenderbender

I’ve never had a romantic relationship, and nobody has ever liked me in that way. I don’t have very many friends, and people don’t stick around me very long. I don’t fit in with the “normal” people, but I don’t seem to fit in well with the “weird” people either. I have a few decent friends, but I feel like I’m not their first choice ever. Not many people ever text me or actually talk to me outside of school. I’ve tried to hard to fit in, and people just get annoyed by me anyways, or I just regretfully end up hurting others. I try to be a good person but I’m just genuinely unwanted. I always envy the people around me who are always having fun with their friends. I wish I was them.

This is kind of a rant/ramble so this will prolly look jumbled

I‘m 17 now and I feel like I wasted all my teen years.

I always envy my peers who have had great and fulfilling teenage years. Whenever I see people posting online having fun and hanging out with a lot of friends, I just wish I could be them. I don’t have many friends and I barely ever leave my house for things other than school. I never feel like I fit in with anyone around me, even with others who like the same things as me. I’ve tried so hard to fit in, but I never say or do the right things. Ive always hated myself so much that I try to fit in and change myself to make people like me, but all I do is end up annoying and hurting people.

Ive also struggled with depression, anxiety, and transness for all my teen years, and it’s held me back from so much. I’ve never had the courage to come out to everyone and I regret it. I also suppress my personality in general, because I’m afraid that everyone will stop talking to me. I’ve been living my life as a lie out of fear this whole time.

I’m almost an adult and I’ve just wasted all of my time. The worst part is, I genuinely don’t see anything good in my future either.

I’ve been showing obvious signs of deep depression/anxiety lately to the point where my parents especially my mom is beginning to worry about me somewhat. However, I really don’t think they will help me unless I outright say something. It’s just so difficult to get the words out. I just end up shutting everything/everyone out and staying in my room all day. I wish I knew how to explain what’s wrong with me so I could get help, but it’s just so hard. What do I do

For some background context, I’ve been struggling with bad depression and anxiety lately.

I went to the grocery store today, and everything felt weird. I kept walking around to find stuff, but felt like I was forgetting why I was really there in the first place. It almost felt like I was in some weird lucid dream. Is this some kind of weird derealization?

Nothing in my life feels right anymore. I’ve started to realize some terrible things about myself, the people around me, and the world around me. I just don’t feel like doing anything is worth it anymore. I haven’t left home in days, and mostly just leave my room for food. My depression and anxiety has been worse than ever before. I’ve grown resentful of people around me, even family, but a lot of the reasons aren’t totally irrational and I just feel stuck, not being able to trust almost anyone anymore. I’m not even an adult and I just feel like there’s no good future for me at all. I don’t know what to do with myself but lay in bed all day.

I feel like I just can’t live life normally or find any kind of happiness while knowing the terrible things going on in the world. I want to do more and be helpful, but I just feel utterly useless and unhelpful. I hate knowing that people are being killed, hurt, and exploited all around the world and I am majorly helpless to do anything to stop it. I feel so privileged to be able to live a better life than others with more food and money, even if my family does struggle sometimes. I feel guilty every time I purchase something, especially from big corporations.

I also recently realized some things about myself that have been very terrible and have lead to bad behavior, and want to change myself so bad. However, I feel like no matter what I do, I’m just a terrible person and feel guilty about everything all the time.

sorry for the ramble, but thanks for reading if u read this all

So a few years ago, I began going to therapy. After about a year of it, I had to stop seeing my therapist due to her going on leave. My parents didn’t really try to get me back into therapy. I actually got better after that, but recent events in the past year have driven my mental health to decline back to the way I was before, maybe even worse.

I really think it would benefit me to return to therapy. There are a few things I have an issue with tho. My original therapist was nice, but I felt like she did not entirely understand or helped me as much as I wished. Also, my parents have ran into some financial problems in recent years, and even with insurance, I still feel terrible making them pay for sessions.

So about 6 months ago or so I said something rude about a guy in my class. I did not say it to his face, but I’m almost sure he heard me. It was only one time I said something rude like this about him, but it was incredibly wrong of me. I had friends who were rude to him too, and while I did not participate in that behavior, I watched it happen and did nothing, so I feel just as guilty. I really want to make it up to him and apologize, but I no longer have any classes to him, nor do I know what to properly say. I’m also not sure if he even wants to talk to me. I know I’m terrible for being rude to someone, but I really want to change as an individual. I know how it feels to be made fun of, so I never want to give this feeling to others ever again.